And all I had to do was hear what I've been saying...  

ByteChaser2 53M
2834 posts
8/4/2005 3:11 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

And all I had to do was hear what I've been saying...

So, I'm having lunch with my friend "M". We're talking about her and we're talking about me. About what's been going on in our respective lives since we last spoke. She said something, kind of looking for an opinion - or maybe it was just the reaction I had when she said it that made her press for some kind of feedback... Whatever.

Anyway she said this thing about the way her latest ex had been acting around her lately... A little while later, it struck an open nerve and I had this epiphany...

Never mind the topic or who it was about. What struck me, driving back home from our lunch date, was that the situation was so me! In reverse... ish...

So, I gave her my opinion; The guy's conflicted. He's hasn't learned from his past mistakes and he's making inroads to where he feels like he's back on stable ground.

Nutshell version... If we don't learn the lessons of history, we are doomed to repeat it. Simple concept. We've heard it numerous times since childhood. Those of us that fail to learn from our own mistakes, and those of others, inevitably make the same mistakes over and over.

Shit. I've been saying this for years. And you know what? Not one friggen time have I ever listened to it. Not ONCE. I've been fucking my own life up, over and over again because I'm deaf to my own voice. Because I never once listened to the advice I'd given so many dozens of friends; "Learn a lesson from this and don't do it again!"

And "M", you know what really brought it home for me? That last question you asked about "Her". Whether I'd go running back if "she'd" have me. And my answer was - Not one snowflakes chance in hell.

At the time, I didn't really understand why. It's not because I know she'd never have me back. It's because I thought I'd learned my lesson about being truely comitted to my "One". It's because I knew down in the depths of my soul that I'd likely do it again and that I simply couldn't bring myself to dealing with that depth of pain again. But you know what? That wasn't the lesson.

Now I know exactly what I'd do if she called and asked me to come back. Or more importantly, what I WOULDN'T do.

I wouldn't lie to her. I wouldn't cheat her out of months of her life following a false dream. I wouldn't steal her dignity, integrity or morality.

Now, I'm a realist. I know it's all a moot point. She's not going to call. But in that chance another "One" comes along, I've learned that lesson.

And I owe that lesson to you "M". Thank you!

rm_mskitty92562 42F

8/4/2005 8:53 pm

Well, my dear, you are very welcome! I had no idea that today's lunch would bring about so many realizations - for both of us. I thought about our talk all the way back to work and yes, our situations are very similar and they are also somewhat different. You know what yours is, mine is this : I see him every day. We had a wonderful friendship before anything ever happened and the feelings grew from that friendship. I know that what was there wasn't all in my head, it was real. But I also know that given his situation ( the divorce) he got spooked by what was happening. So I have realized this: Just as I had to go out and sow my wild oats after my split with " Mr. Cranky"two years ago,he has to just go out and do. Get it out of his system. And maybe if I pray enough, he'll come back. If you love something, set it free... blah blah. That's not to say it doesn't hurt to watch but I'm going to be optimistic about this one. Plain and simple.. I love him. He's conflicted and I'm under his nose 8 hours a day. It's just a matter of being patient and believing that prayer is my side. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I had a wonderful time at lunch. Let me know when you want to meet up again! Luv. M

ByteChaser2 53M

8/5/2005 6:48 am

Man, we gotta drink martinis and eat cheeze stick more often! Just keep a watchful eye out... Make sure he's learning his lessons before you commit again, ya know?

Luv ya right back!

pretty_blue_eyes 38F
2091 posts
8/6/2005 10:18 am

I am guilty of the same thing, I am the person my friends come to for advice about what they should do concerning this...or that person. They value and trust my opinion. Yet I can't take my own advice. Amazing how that works...

UberMunchkin 43F

8/7/2005 7:29 am

ain't self-realization a bitch?

ByteChaser2 53M

8/7/2005 11:30 am

pretty_blue_eyes and downright frightening in it's implication too yes? Kind of makes one wonder on its validity when we don't even follow our own advice...

ByteChaser2 53M

8/7/2005 11:34 am

UberMunchkin - UberMunchkin... Oh, I don't know as I'd characterize self-realization as a bitch... Maybe just a sulking brat lol

Honestly though, here on my road to self discovery... I get this thrill every time I finally get to some truth about me, even if it IS ugly. At least I've managed to get it out of my head and into the light of day... Ya know?

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