Desperate for a Miracle  

ButteryDelight 58F
1961 posts
7/10/2006 8:30 am

Last Read:
7/19/2006 10:22 am

Desperate for a Miracle


Desperate for a Miracle

Have you ever had that desperate feeling? The feeling that you need something, want something, ya just gotta have it, you’re not sure what it is, just something? And, you can’t find what it is you are searching so desperately for. You look and you wish and you ponder and it just can’t be found. But, because you have to have it, you keep on looking, searching, yearning. You hope you will find it, that rainbow after a storm, the cloud with the silver lining, if only you keep looking hard enough. What do you do when you feel desperate? Or do you not ever feel that way?

I looked up the word desperate in the Webster’s dictionary and this is what I found.
Main Entry: desperate
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin desperatus, past participle of desperare
1 a : having lost hope, a desperate spirit crying for relief b : giving no ground for hope,the outlook was desperate
2 a : moved by despair,victims made desperate by abuse b : involving or employing extreme measures in an attempt to escape defeat or frustration, made a desperate leap for the rope
3 : suffering extreme need or anxiety,desperate for money
4 : involving extreme danger or possible disaster, a desperate situation
5 : Feelings of extreme intensity

I have written in bold type definitions 3 and 5 as they apply to what I am feeling this morning. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. this morning, unable to sleep any more. I have that desperate feeling I described in the paragraph above and am struggling this morning. I want to feel sad and cry a river of tears but am trying not to be. I did not feel this way yesterday after hearing the news of my sister’s possible cancerous lump. I was pretty positive. But, since spending the afternoon yesterday on different web sites looking up breast cancer, I am now filled with these desperate feelings.

I am desperate and wanting Wednesday to hurry up and get here. I am desperate for the peace and assurance of hearing that the lump is not cancerous. I am desperate to hold my sister in my arms, stroke her hair and tell her how much I love her. I am desperate to hear what the doctor has to say. I am desperate to end this, “helpless to prevent this” feeling I have. I am desperate for someone to find a cure for breast cancer. I am desperate to give sister a ray of hope, and comfort. I am desperate for the right words to say to fill my mind and come out of my mouth. I am desperate to be there for sister as she goes through this.

I am also filled with negative, desperate feelings. I am desperate to blame someone, anyone for this. I am desperate to blame the cigarette companies who marketed their product as “May Be Hazardous to your Health”, when they knew all along that the nicotine in cigarette was addictive and poison to the body. I am desperate to blame myself for not being able to convince sister to quit smoking sooner. I am even desperate enough to shake my fist at God and blame him too for the “Why is this happening to my sister”?

Most of all, I am desperate for a miracle. Once, I heard a television evangelists preach on desperate people. He said, “Often the greatest miracles happen to those who are desperate for one”. I fit that description, as I am desperate for a miracle that sister’s lump is not cancerous. That would be such a blessing and a wonder to me. I also am desperate for those of you with breast cancer to have your miracle too. There are cures; I know that, I’ve read about it. It is just right now with all these desperate feelings; filling me it is hard to be supportive and positive for my sister. I know I need to be. I know she is looking to me for that comfort and support.

So, I will concentrate today on feeling less desperate. I already feel better for having written down these feelings. I thank you all for reading. I think I need some time in my Quiet Place. I’ll probably leave the house and go to the park to be alone. I need some time to think.


GossipJunkie 40F

7/10/2006 10:58 am

I can't even begin to imagine what you (or your sister) are going through. Awhile back, I had heard about a book called Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy. When I moved here, I bought it and read it. I don't know if it would help you but it's a very good book. It's by a lady named Geralyn Lucas.

Hugs for you,
GJ

GossipJunkie
"Dance like nobody's watching"


wickedeasy 67F  
26772 posts
7/10/2006 12:01 pm

feeling helpless is difficult - be patient BD
in time, you will know what foot to put where

i am adding you to my prayer chain and to my energy chant - is that okay?

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


ButteryDelight 58F

7/10/2006 12:34 pm

    Quoting GossipJunkie:
    I can't even begin to imagine what you (or your sister) are going through. Awhile back, I had heard about a book called Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy. When I moved here, I bought it and read it. I don't know if it would help you but it's a very good book. It's by a lady named Geralyn Lucas.

    Hugs for you,
    GJ
I will look up that book, Gossipjunkie. Thank you for the suggestion.
*hugs returned

Buttery Delight


ButteryDelight 58F

7/10/2006 12:43 pm

    Quoting wickedeasy:
    feeling helpless is difficult - be patient BD
    in time, you will know what foot to put where

    i am adding you to my prayer chain and to my energy chant - is that okay?
Ahhhh, WE, you said the P word. Not a very easy thing for me to do. But, I will try.

Of course you may add me to your prayer chain and energy chant! I could use some positive energy right now.

Hugs and thanks for listening.

Buttery Delight


fancy_for_you 40F
3014 posts
7/10/2006 8:01 pm

Buttery,

Wow reading this brings back so many memories. I had to go through the biopsies and all back in 1998. I had 3 lumps in 1 breast. They weren't big at all so they biopsied the whole lump instead of just taking a piece.

I remember the pure agony of waiting for the results. And dealing with the soreness in my breast. I found out then that I had a couple aunts that had had breast cancer. See in my family no one else ever tells the other till someone else is diagnosed with the same problem....would be nice to know ahead of time there is a family history of something.

Anyways, my biopsies came back that the center of the lumps had been cancerous but the outter margins weren't. So in other words it was just begining and thankfully it was caught in such a early stage.

I have never gotten another lump since and am doing fine. It's been 8 years cancer free. I was 20 when I went through this, which is rare in itself. Normally they start mamograms about late 30's early 40's I have to have one every year because of my past. And now there is a breast cancer that's been discovered that doesn't show up on a mamogram.....geesh we women can't win for nothing ya know it.

Anyways, I wish you sister luck and if it were me I would disreguard her saying you didn't need to be there and go anyways. I know I would have liked having someone there with me. I was alone during mine.

God bless you and keep you.

Fuzzy

~~Fuzzy~~


ohcurious14 59M
1683 posts
7/11/2006 9:26 am

Buttery, I know that the unknown is such a torture and when something of this magnitude comes about it only intensifies the situation. Have you heard of the Susan Komen Breast Foundation? I'm sure they have an office in Texas. I had the extreme pleasure of meeting and knowing Susan Komen and her husband, Stan. She lived in Peoria and I talked to her at least 5 days a week. She was a customer at the grocery store I worked at. You see, I never knew she had Breast cancer. I opened the paper one morning and there was her obituary. I was devastated. Anyhow, Susan Komen's sister started the Foundation that exists today and they have made great strides in Breast cancer Research and treatments. Think positive and hope for the best. NB and I will keep you and your sister in our thoughts and prayers.


ButteryDelight 58F

7/11/2006 11:18 am

    Quoting __JVT__:
    BD, I understand your feeling of helplessness all too well. Have been there many times the last 2 years or so.

    The thing I would encourage you to keep in mind is that people who are diagnosed with cancer today have a better chance than ever of beating it.

    I had a cousin who was diagnosed with cancer when he was 36. He wasn't given much of a chance to beat it. That was 11 years ago and he is doing great.

    One of my mom's best friends has beaten the odds twice in the last 25 years. She wasn't expected to live but a couple months the last time they found the cancer. That was 15 years ago and she is now retired and going back and forth to Florida several times a year.

    It is hard to see now, but I do believe everything happens for a reason and you will all be stronger because of this. Hang in there and you know you have friends who are always here to listen.

    Take care of yourself BD
    JVT
Thank you for listening JVT. I am trying to be positive. Sometimes I do really well and sometimes I am really negative. But, I am better today as I have accepted this has happened and there's not anything I can do to prevent it.

Buttery Delight


ButteryDelight 58F

7/11/2006 11:22 am

    Quoting fancy_for_you:
    Buttery,

    Wow reading this brings back so many memories. I had to go through the biopsies and all back in 1998. I had 3 lumps in 1 breast. They weren't big at all so they biopsied the whole lump instead of just taking a piece.

    I remember the pure agony of waiting for the results. And dealing with the soreness in my breast. I found out then that I had a couple aunts that had had breast cancer. See in my family no one else ever tells the other till someone else is diagnosed with the same problem....would be nice to know ahead of time there is a family history of something.

    Anyways, my biopsies came back that the center of the lumps had been cancerous but the outter margins weren't. So in other words it was just begining and thankfully it was caught in such a early stage.

    I have never gotten another lump since and am doing fine. It's been 8 years cancer free. I was 20 when I went through this, which is rare in itself. Normally they start mamograms about late 30's early 40's I have to have one every year because of my past. And now there is a breast cancer that's been discovered that doesn't show up on a mamogram.....geesh we women can't win for nothing ya know it.

    Anyways, I wish you sister luck and if it were me I would disreguard her saying you didn't need to be there and go anyways. I know I would have liked having someone there with me. I was alone during mine.

    God bless you and keep you.

    Fuzzy
You are a survivor, Fuzzy. That's great.

Yeah I am planning on showing up, even though her husband is going with her.

Buttery Delight


ButteryDelight 58F

7/11/2006 11:27 am

    Quoting ohcurious14:
    Buttery, I know that the unknown is such a torture and when something of this magnitude comes about it only intensifies the situation. Have you heard of the Susan Komen Breast Foundation? I'm sure they have an office in Texas. I had the extreme pleasure of meeting and knowing Susan Komen and her husband, Stan. She lived in Peoria and I talked to her at least 5 days a week. She was a customer at the grocery store I worked at. You see, I never knew she had Breast cancer. I opened the paper one morning and there was her obituary. I was devastated. Anyhow, Susan Komen's sister started the Foundation that exists today and they have made great strides in Breast cancer Research and treatments. Think positive and hope for the best. NB and I will keep you and your sister in our thoughts and prayers.
Yes, OhC, sir, I have heard of the Susan Komen Breast Foundation. We have a Race for the Cure every year and every year I walk in that race. That's cool that you actually knew her. From all that I have read she was a great lady.

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.

Buttery Delight


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