Extra-marital troublings  

Bobbingjoy 59F
213 posts
7/10/2006 10:51 pm

Last Read:
7/19/2006 7:40 am

Extra-marital troublings

In my sensual explorations, I've been finding comfort levels and going for what I REALLY want.

One significant boundary for me is extra-marital liaisons, regardless of reason. While I take very much a laissez-faire attitude towards others so involved, it's become a clear matter of my choice not to so do.

No, it's not a moral stance (else I wouldn't have the laissez-faire attitude). It's frankly, a pragmatic one: I want to avoid getting hurt or knowing what I would be doing could well hurt others.

One recent event underlined this boundary I'm now drawing upon myself.

A male friend called me up one morning, sobbing his heart out. His recently acquired extra-marital lover had just committed suicide. Even as he admitted to me he had over-stepped the cardinal rule of extra-marital affairs not to get emotionally entangled with the lady, he sought solace and comfort for his shocked painful loss. And he felt guilty that he wasn't there for her, thinking that he could have prevented her suicide.

We are all, despite what we might wish to present to others, emotional creatures. We need, indeed crave, human touch and comfort when we are in agony. But my friend couldn't find that solace with his wife, the person to whom he should have been able to turn when he was devastated. So he turned to me, a friend of occasional connections.

Sure I listened to his pain and feelings of guilt, offered some truths about suicidal persons, trying to provide some level of sympathy and understanding... I felt very sorry for him, for in the end, he was left alone, by himself in his agony.

I've gained some protection from exposing myself to such pain.

Now, I wonder whether I'll be able to apply this 20/20 hind-sight when I may face a similar situation.

Readers, what are your thoughts? Can we ever protect ourselves from such lonely agonies? Avoid those tears in the loneliness of night?

8321 posts
7/10/2006 11:41 pm

I think the irony of the situation lies in the fact that he was sobbing over someone he probably should not have met in the first place had he been faithful to his wife initially.

The fact that he's coming to you for moral support instead of his wife speaks volumes...

Beginning to wonder how many on this site are married and cheating.


"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur

Bobbingjoy replies on 7/11/2006 2:16 pm:
Hey DIV,
Good comment, thanks. I agree with you that my friend really shouldn't have gotten into an affair, but that's his call, not mine.

There are virtually tons of married guys on this site who are obviously cheating. I don't know how many married women around doing the same, but I've received a great number of emails and winks from attached/married men, even though I've expressly underlined "no attached guys".

From my older experiences, extra-marital connections are not for me, since I don't want to raise my own hopes and also risk hurting others. Believe me: I went through a horrible divorce, his choice. Who's still suffering from the loss of his sense of family and security is our son, even years later.


AcctsPeonyPelts 62M
7 posts
7/14/2006 12:04 pm

I don't believe in extra marital affairs and never have. I must say also I did have one. It's totally against what I beleive in. It was that kindred spirit/ sole mate situation in an unhappy marraige of mine. I do work hard at not becoming involved in a married person and always have but something as special as what Bobbing Joy described in her other post took over. It's chemistry. It happens. We have to learn from our past and move on.

The apin is something each of us bears in situations like that and no one can really comfort us. It's not conventional. That person has to rationalize it the best way he can. Take the positives of that relationship and apply it to his present situation. I do feel bad for her though. She wasn't able to do it. I can relate to her as well.

Bobbingjoy replies on 7/19/2006 7:52 am:
Thanks for your comment, Westboro.

In the situation I described, the lady had been in a longish term adversarial divorce. While she received lots of love and care, her internal issues and fears obviously overwhelmed her.

Me? I want to spend my time and energy on relationships which could possibly be extended on a continuing basis, which could become real, deep friends (besides *THAT*) developed over time, sharing each other's lives, celebrations, .... hanging out, movies, dinners, winter escapes...

Extra-marital obviously cannot do this, so why even try?


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