Tips on online dating- My Phd. from Screw U.  

Blaze6957 59F
23 posts
5/21/2005 10:36 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Tips on online dating- My Phd. from Screw U.

It's been about a year now since I dipped my toes in the dating pool. Newly single, I was keenly aware that I was not ready for a serious relationship like those offered on other match-making sites. However,I was more than ready to meet new friends in like situations, desiring to engage persons in a lighter, recreational sense.

On line dating was a pragmatic choice to meet people from a wider slice of the pie than was served in my little community. That AdultFriendFinder provides a forum for discussing sexual diversity, it prompts the members to question, seek, and explore areas of compatibility not found on other sites. That's refreshing, progressive, and sane compared to the traditional method that can take several months of thought, energy and time to reveal that two people striving in one relationship may be searching for very different things!

It is not a perfect system yet, considering the disparity of numbers between men and women- and the bothersome prevalent notion that "single men are a dime a dozen". I've never believed that devalueing one section of a group to be of any benefit to the whole. For many single men, and those engaging them,I've developed some handy tips to survive the rigors of searching here for a

1. NEVER TAKE IT PERSONAL. Ever. Because it isn't! Rejections, discouraging replies and belated or ignored messages- have far less to do with you than it has to do with the other person's individual needs. It simply isn't about you and it is such a pitiful waste to let these things negatively effect your self-esteem, your continueing quest, or your confidence in approaching others again.

2. AVOID FANTASIZING THE PERFECT DREAM DATE. When too much email has been exchanged, and too many phone calls made and a lot of time has been invested- there is a tendency to build expectations beyond what can be realistically fullfilled on the part of either person. It creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety prior to the first meet...and you open yourself up for some mighty disappointments when the scenes and scripted anticipations don't appear as you dreamed. Over enthusiastic anticipation can set you up for a let down, and focusing soley on what you desire can rob you of enjoying the meeting for what it is. Speaking for myself " pedestals are high and I'm afraid of heights!" Get me down where I can be myself.

3.REFUSE TO FEEL OFFENDED when someone stops writing, fails to call again, or makes you feel like a snowflake in a blizzard. Again, recognize that it is seldom about you, but more a matter of another's busy lifestyle, distractions, and that they are PROBABLY experiencing the same jitters that you are, fearing one won't measure up to another's expections. I've lost track of people I was very interested in but got side tracked and distracted and lost correspondence.

4 TAKE A CHANCE AND RE-INITIATE and request if there is any true interest before you give up. Nice guys often do no want to be "pushy" and they slip through the cracks too quietly while some silver-tongued devil is wasting my time. I've many regrets on this note.LOL!

5. SMILE WHEN THE ABSURB, THE WEIRD AND THE STRANGE OCCUR. By all means, smile! It is like a grab bag on never know what's inside, but you knew where you were grabbing in the first place... Regarding the chances for landing a date here, it can be surmised that- the odds are good, dear; but the goods can be very odd!

6. PERSIST! Gen. McArthur never retreated...he simply "ADVANCED IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!" So, when all evidence indicates things are going nowhere...with one person, realize that may not be the case with the next. Again, it's no indication that you are lacking! When someone's just not that "into" you...relax and let it go. EXHALE Someone else will be. And the reverse often occurs that you are not that "into" them! These are not negative reflections on you- it's just the way it is.

I've other observations and lessons that helped season me for navigating safely online without losing my perspective, my respect for others or my respect for myself. Hopes this helps someone going through some of the things I went through to maintain my healthy self image in this arena.

purejoy4fem 46F/44F
682 posts
5/21/2005 12:12 pm

Good post Blaze, but it's almost impossible to not take rejection personally

flaashnow 105M

5/21/2005 8:25 pm

Yes Blaze, your insights are quite correct. I do have a habit of taking some rejections personally. Like the ones when the other person can't seem to be real and honest about the situation, especially when you have been intimate for a period of time. I am trying to limit the time that I allow myself to feel the rejection. The sheer amount of "single guys" on this site as well as others can, I'm sure overwelm ladies. And I am learning having been on this site for some time, that a no response to a sent message isn't that big of a deal and it isn't always personal. Yes sometimes I will get a response that is very personal and unkind. That is"their" problem, not mine, unless I allow it to be. Yes, I hate to be "pushy" when it comes invites. My tongue is not "silver", though it has been appreciated from time to time. Life is funny in the aspect that even after a year from inital contact great things can emerge. I have found that out recently and relish the experience. And I hope that that terrific lady enjoys the adventure half as much as I do. Life is long, enjoy it all ~

Blaze6957 59F

5/29/2005 12:01 pm

Oh never meant rejection doesn't hurt....but sometimes considering the source and how very little of our true selves can be communicated's good to guard your heart. This may seem an unlikely place to quote scripture...but does remind me of the one that cautions not to "cast your pearls before swine...they will turn and rend you."
and another quote from a dear friend..."Surrender, Surrender...but never give yourself away."

rm_15SPEED2 67M
2 posts
3/2/2006 8:11 am

What an intresting lady. My mind trys to wrap around the hours of fun conversation that could be had. I am at a place in life where conpatibility is more important that sex, though when all the parts are working properly, I love it. Your insight is refreshing and i look foward to more. Many blessings!!!

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