Monogamy Blog 01 -- Can you?  

BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F
1008 posts
8/14/2005 12:50 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Monogamy Blog 01 -- Can you?

Monogamy: is it natural? Are we really in line with our true natures if we force it? Like everyone, I can only speak for myself and what I have observed. I doubt that true objectivity exists at all in human relating (relation-ship), especially regarding matters of intimacy and the heart. And blogging! So..

Speaking for myself, I’ve attempted monogamy over and over, and can really find no reason to try it any longer. I’ve lived through many years of marriage and other long term relationships, resulting in closure because of this specific issue. The fascinating thing is that my inability to be happy in a monogamous relationship had nothing to do with my love (ah, the L-word, more blogging on that later) for the woman I was in the relationship with at the time. My deep seated desire to be intimate with others did not diminish my love for her in any way. As a matter of fact, it enticed and enhanced it in many ways.

Why is this so? Are humans really meant to be single-mate species? If we look across the biological community into which we incarnated, we see very few examples of this. In our particular culture, over half of marriages end in divorce, and most of the couples remaining in attempted monogamous relationships don’t seem too happy to me.

How do we deal with this issue? How have you done it? Can we open up our minds to compromise when we are in a cultural, societal situation with kids and families and religions and finances other ties that mandate our staying in the relationship we’ve found ourselves in when we wake up? Can I love you and love others? Can I stay in integrity with my partner and still satisfy my natural and emotional and physical and spiritual pulls and desires to bond with others?

What do you do? Sex only if controlled? Intimacy allowed but not sexual? Anything goes as long as the other approves? How’s it working for you? LOL

Love & Light,

rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
8/14/2005 1:39 pm

yeah, even on love, i find that loving one just means loving more and more ... LOL! well also wrote on that topic in my blog Multiplying non-monogamy ... welcome to blogland and two nice topics to start with! thanks!

[blog freelove999]

Straycatsetsuko 61F

8/14/2005 3:00 pm

Well, here's my opinion, and it's worth every cent it costs:

I think the monogamy thing worked a lot better when one partner kicked in the neighborhood of 20 years into it. Lived with my ex 29 years, married 26 of those, and, when the kids were grown and gone, it was kinda time for us to let go of this. Now, I'm looking for one person with whom I can enjoy what I have left with.

I'm the monogamous type, if nothing else, so I can keep everyone straight. Never into keeping a scorecard to remember who I was with, when. And, when the graffiti showed up on my uterine wall, it was good to be certain who put it there. I intend to be monogamous in whatever type of relationship I have next, and in the one I'm in now. It's not really an exclusive relationship, but it's too hard juggling men. Yelling the wrong name at the moment of truth, that can make for some bad feelings.

BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

8/14/2005 4:23 pm

(ditto) Thanks Free, I read your postings, beautiful. Great minds think alike! <hug hug>. This blog stuff is really interesting, glad I've taken the dive.. Perhaps it will turn into an addiction (one can only hope).

BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

8/15/2005 8:02 am

So, Stray.. What happens when you want to stray? When you were with your partner of 29 years, did you have desire to be with others? What happened when someone you wanted to have sex with hit on you? In your mind, did you supress your feelings and say "well I'm married so I can't/won't? Did you not have desire at all? How did you handle it?

BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

8/16/2005 1:12 pm

Lioness, and Stray.. . If you had that companion whom you describe, and it was all you hoped for, do you think there would come a time, even during the bliss, when you would want to be with another intimately? Even though you HAVE what you have searched for, is there a part of you longing for connection to others while in that agreement? If so, how would you handle it? Supress the desire, try to communicate it, ignore it, act upon it? That's my dillema..


mcsusieg 49F
56 posts
8/16/2005 8:07 pm

I don’t think I will ever be monogamous again, but what does that leave me with? Do I have to analyze how that will play out in my life? You know I love the descriptions on the FwB blog Friends with benefits, not too good to be true! … and not just for THIS time in my life ‒ but down the road ‒ It relates to having a primary relationship and yet special others…

I DO hold out hope to have a Companion, a great love in my life (at 37 there may be 10 of those before the day is done). And I am posting on this one not the L word on purpose…. Love means many different things … But I know what I appreciate… how the beauty in others brightens my life … And Love is way to heavy to lay on someone … It should be mutual …it should be unspoken long before spoken. One person falling in love with another…well it is their feelings their ownership, it shouldn’t be “inflicted” on the other person. Ok ‒ what a load of crapola’ but I would never want to force my feelings onto someone else, nor would I want them to expect from me…because of a word…There are many ways to express devotion to someone…attraction, respect, honor.

How is it working in my life? How am I making it work ‒ non monogamous, yet emotional connections…? Well as with any human connection ‒ it is difficult AND rewarding! My needs are not met, my life is not filled the way I want it to be…but I am learning about who I am, and each day I learn more about who I want to surround myself with, sexual or not. Like “free’s” blog.

Honest and sincere connections...If I wanted monogamy, even for a short time with a companion…I am not sure if I would ask…no I am sure ‒ I would say..” I have chosen to be with just you for now, would you consider the same and we can go from there.” I suspect there are times in any interaction where there needs to be time, time to grow…the bond … maybe that is the whole in your non monogamous thoughts…?

Cathartic isn’t it! To express it and have your voices heard! Time to think about what you’re going to say….

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