Grist for the Mill  

BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F
1008 posts
6/25/2006 12:14 am

Last Read:
8/22/2006 12:50 pm

Grist for the Mill

Grist for the Mill

Shit happens. No matter what I do, things will not turn out the way I expect all the time, even if I do all the “right” things. People will not behave the way I want them to. Hell, they won’t even behave the way they said they would.

I wish people were kinder. If I’m kind, I’ll get kindness back, right? More often than not I would hope. But not everyone’s going to be kind to me, no matter what I do. People will steal my stuff, plot against me, talk shit, manipulate, lie, cheat and cut me off in traffic. Even if I don’t. No one ever said life was fair.

So having said that, how do I use the things that piss me off, or otherwise don’t go my way, to my advantage and growth? Or more importantly, what do I about the shitty thoughts and feelings that go along with it, that do not serve my peace of mind? Like anger, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, loathing, depression. Stuff like that.

Take a look at the process that happens with anger. Someone does something that upsets me. What goes through me, and how does that “upset-ness” manifest itself in my body and mind? How do my thoughts start spinning as a result? And then, how do I act on those thoughts? No action can happen without a thought to precede it; actions are thoughts in motion. What am I thinking, and how am I acting as a result? What are the consequences of my actions in the world around me?

Most of the time I’m just on auto-pilot. I might say something biting or rude, yell, swear, then start thinking mean nasty thoughts toward the person or situation. That usually happens automatically, so there’s not much I can do about that. And then, what? Do I keep repeating those thoughts? Do I think of ways to get back, strike out? Does it fester in me? Does it lead to destructive behavior? I know it certainly has with me, especially with the big things. The more at stake to loose, the bigger the thought-spinning and body dis-ease.

Maybe there’s a better way. Maybe, I can let the initial storm pass. Force myself not to act or speak until that happens. Breathe. Of course if I’m in harm’s way I have to act. But most of the time, I have a choice. I can get behind those nasty thoughts and feelings in my gut, and see if I can ride them out until that initial rush is gone. Then I can think more clearly about how to act and what to say.

Now that I’m in a clearer state of mind, I can act instead of react. What really happened? Is this really worth spending any more of my precious time and energy on? Can I just let it go now? And if I can’t, can I do something that doesn’t perpetuate the situation and make it worse until I can? Maybe I don’t have to get even. Can I learn something from it? Can I perhaps put my ego and pride aside for a moment and see the other side? Why did I have such a strong reaction, could I look at this a different way?

Eventually, I may get to the point where I start seeing everything that pisses me off, or makes me react in a way that isn’t in harmony with my happiness and well-being, as grist for the mill. Into the mill goes the grist of my angst. The mill is my thoughts, guided by the higher part of myself that is the peaceful, silent observer, which transforms the disserving thoughts into neutral or better ones. And out of the mill comes happiness and peace.

Then, some day, I’ll may even stop getting pissed off so often and save that precious energy for the most important things. And my automatic angst reactions to the same kinds of events in the future may diminish substantially. I’ll be happier more.

It takes work, since we’ve been so conditioned for so long. That’s why it’s really useful to have a meditation practice, or at least some quiet time each day. Not to watch the tube or grab a newspaper; just to be. If you wanna go for a walk, fine. But be alone with your thoughts and let the noise calm down. Being in nature really helps.

Turnin’ the millstone,

sexymamma662003 31F

6/25/2006 1:22 am

i wish i could handle thing sthe way you do. i have serious anger problems when i snap better watch out.

all though i do not stay mad for long


BenefitsFriend69 replies on 6/27/2006 12:31 pm:
I'll keep that in mind sexy. We all have anger problems, it's good that you don't stay mad long, that's a good sign. The more I work with this the less angry I get though, so something must be working.

runzwithknives 59F

6/25/2006 6:51 am

Well said.
The more at stake to loose, the bigger the thought-spinning and body dis-ease.
And what is that "loss"? Change? Something we have to have? Or expected? Or wanted? Is it really all that important?

It's made a world of difference. That time is now very precious and so necessary. To just BE. Not that I won't ever again be shitty or struggle with my angst, anger, or depression. But I can step out of it even for a minute...

Nice post and thanks for putting this out there. Peace, Gene.

BenefitsFriend69 replies on 6/27/2006 12:33 pm:
Exactly Rosa, we think we are losing someting but most of the time it's just things we have in our mind that we are losing. I'm not talking about someone stealing your car (big loss), more like being cut off in traffic by some wanker on his cell phone (no loss). We expected someone to have manners while driving who didn't.

Hope your new meditation practice is going well. xoxoxo

HBowt2 58F

6/25/2006 12:02 pm

i just need some me time most days....otherwise I just don't feel human...

BenefitsFriend69 replies on 6/27/2006 12:34 pm:
Me too. It's kinda like sleep, you can't catch up on it. I get up early for mine. Well, most days. Thanks for stopping by.

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
6/25/2006 3:35 pm

..or you could get a pair of glasses just like mine...rose coloured!!!

i love your guts

BenefitsFriend69 replies on 6/27/2006 12:35 pm:
Love yours more!

I have a pair of those rose-colored glasses. Always have them on when my kids are invloved. xoxo

warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
6/26/2006 1:14 pm

Hello BF and great to be in touch again. Thanks so much for visiting my blog and leaving comments. I certainly need professors of your fine standing in the arts of perversion to get my Collegium Pervertium off the ground.

On the point of anger management - I guess my free-flying experiences have taught me that if a cool head is needed to deal with life-critical situations (and yes, like all free-flyers I've had a few) then it is a good thing to have elsewhere. Perhaps the only thing that travels with us on life's journey is our state of consciousness and in that comes our quality of life and how we relate to others. Beyond that everything is both trivial and ephemeral.

I might be a perv but I do have a philosophy of life.

Does that mean that it's a good idea for everyone to become perverted.

Just a thought!


BenefitsFriend69 replies on 6/27/2006 12:48 pm:
Hi warm, always happy to read a post from you. You know what I'm gonna say, right? Takes a perv to know one. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout..

Forcing a cool head in times of potenital calamity is a skill few master. Practice, practice, practice... Fly!

Venus107 48F
156 posts
6/27/2006 9:41 pm

I enjoyed this post but it also put me in mind of what John Gray Phd. wrote about in "Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars" He wrote that all Men need their cave time which is the alone time that you enjoy. I try and treat others as I would like to be treated yet I also try not to allow other people to control my reactions even tho some really know those buttons, but Hey, we are all human! To err is human to forgive divine...I hope I got that quote right.....

BenefitsFriend69 replies on 6/28/2006 6:06 pm:
Hey Venus nice to see you. Yeah I must be human as hell cuz I err like hell. Forgiveness - hard work but frees us of a lot doesn't it?

I hear my cave calling. See ya round blogland.

saddletrampsk 54F

6/27/2006 11:31 pm

When I had a high stress job in airline marketing stress would rule my life..I would get rashes on my hands from stress, sore neck all the time and I honestly felt like a rat on a tread that I am living in semi-retirement on the farm I am much more relaxed and everything is more in perspective..It's also nice to be so close to nature, at least at this time of year

Glad to see you are back..I have taken a lil break from being online..the kids and horses and yard need me

BenefitsFriend69 replies on 6/28/2006 6:07 pm:
Hey saddle thanks, nice to see you back as well. I hope I can stay away in balance from this place. (!) And I can relate to being the rat on the treadmill, been there done that got the cheese. Well a little cheese anyway. cya

digdug41 49M

6/28/2006 7:52 pm

BF I should've come sooner but I didnt want to deal with the blogs for a moment as you saw the fiasco I created from mu opinion its hard not to be driven by emotions and ppl dont seem to realize ya gotta ease back and look at what part they play in all of the affairs that happen in life the serenity prayer sums it all up for me I dont worry about others I really worry about myself but thatnks fdor something to grow on

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

BenefitsFriend69 replies on 7/8/2006 12:11 pm:
Hey dig, nice to see you my friend! Yeah, that was one fiasco, but I have to say I enjoyed it all. That's a lot of grist there. I agree, it is VERY difficult not to be driven by emotions. Those who can overcome it will master situations and are able to redirect that energy into good things for themselves and others around them. Those who cannot control or choose not to usually end up suffering a lot. I know I do.. It's constant work we do on ourselves.

rm_goddess1946 105F
13518 posts
6/30/2006 8:06 pm

I have learned that anger and passion FEEL very much the
same in the physical body sometimes....interesting thought.

I'm in the living room on the couch when you are ready

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

BenefitsFriend69 replies on 7/8/2006 12:14 pm:
Me too. Hopefully I can act out of passion and not anger.

You are getting sleepy, sleepy...

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