Expectations and Sex Zen Relationship Dribble Stuff (Ignore)  

BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F
1008 posts
1/2/2006 11:01 pm

Last Read:
5/20/2006 2:48 pm

Expectations and Sex Zen Relationship Dribble Stuff (Ignore)


“Well I’m trying to make some sense of it all. But I can see that it makes no sense at all.” ‒from Stuck in the Middle with You, Stealers Wheel

This is a bunch of meaningless amateur sex Zen relationship dribble stuff. It’s kinda out there, you may not wanna waste too much time on it…

What did you EXPECT? Ever hear that? Ever say that? Ever think, “what the hell was I thinking?” I know I have. I won’t even go into all the stupid shit I’ve done. I can only hope I take a lesson away once in awhile.

Wouldn’t it be great if people behaved the way you want them to? My little sister used to say “everyone is entitled to my opinion.” How much do we suffer because we want people to behave differently than they do? We want to change them. We want to alter their behavior so it fits our model of the way we want them to be. And sometimes we can. It’s a lot of work, but we can to some degree. But for the most part, we can’t. Or at least not for long. People are gonna do what they do, whether you like it or not.

This site is a good example. What did you expect when you joined A F F ? Interesting to look back isn’t it? If you’ve been around this site for awhile, think back to when you first joined. What were you thinking? And how completely different was that from the way it was? It’s funny. After being on here for quite some time, I’m finally starting to enjoy it. But it is not at all what I expected. Not even close.

What kind of expectations do I have when I meet someone? Or when I’ve been with someone for awhile? Do the expectations change based on how it unfolds? In the beginning, if we had the chemistry and the attractions and enough other stuff going, and it went deep and physical and emotional and some kind of bond got formed, how did my expectations of that person change? How did hers? What happened? Different for everyone. Most likely different for her and me.

Say you meet someone on this site. Say you two hook up, and it is a lot of fun, and you enjoy each other immensely. Say you want more of that. Or he/she wants more of that. Or both of you want more of that. Now what do you both start expecting? More time? More fun? More kink? A bit of exclusivity? Total exclusivity? The opposite of that? Do you dare even mention it, or just enjoy the ride and keep your mouth shut while it lasts? And if one of you has had enough, and decides there’s no more interest, then what? Did you really think you were gonna meet your next partner on this site? Yeah I know, gotta communicate. Damn, that’s like, work, ya know?

So, say it’s gonna end. It’s gotta end. It ends. Did someone get hurt? Why? If I got hurt because it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, that’s my problem, not hers. And vice versa. Tough concept? We’re not taught to think this way in this culture. We wanna blame someone for it coming out differently than we expected.

So on ya go, to the next one. Maybe take some time off, maybe not. How to avoid this hurt next time? Can you, should you try to avoid hurt, or should you just expect it to happen? Do I spend too much time in life seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, in a vicious cycle? If I expect not to feel pain, and then pain comes (which is inevitable in a human form), then I suffer. If I expect pain, perhaps I don’t suffer as much when it comes, and I don’t spend as much energy trying to avoid it. Can I just feel it completely and let it go through, and be done with it? Tall order.

Same for pleasure. Especially pleasure. If I can lower the pleasure expectations a bit, I may not have to spend so much energy pursuing it, and so feel much disappointment when I don’t get it. But damn, I love it SO much..

Some would say communication is the key, Be clear about what you’re looking for, don’t even respond to anyone who doesn’t meet it all. But if you do that you may be sitting on your ass all the time because they may be few and far between So, as long as you’re clear up front then no harm, no foul, right? But guess what? People hide shit. People play the game to get what they want. People lie. Does anyone have complete integrity when it comes to this kinda stuff? Hell, how hard is that? Really hard work.

People tend to put their best faces forward in the beginning. I really don’t have a clue about the person I’m hooking up with, until much later. We’re taking a chance, always. We can never know how a relationship between two intimate people is going to work out can we?

As Madeline L’Engle said: “Because you’re not what I would have you to be, I blind myself to who, in truth, you are.”

How you think it is, and how you want it to be, are both different than the way it really is. Usually. We cloud our views based on our own filters. People are mostly going to behave based on those filters, not the way you think they should behave. What’s easier, changing someone else’s behavior, or changing what you expect?

I’m looking forward to the next time my lovely woman and I have sex. After rolling around and fucking each other silly in every room for a few hours, while we’re lying there in the tangled mess of the sheets covered with sweat, hair everywhere, she looks at me and says, “wow, that was awesome!”

Then I say, “Well, what did you expect?”

rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
1/3/2006 4:10 am

you wrote: After being on here for quite some time, I’m finally starting to enjoy it. But it is not at all what I expected. Not even close.

*** Nodding in agreement there... I will say that blogland has
been the biggest surprise for me since I have been here and it continues to amuse me to the point that my sleep time has dropped radically. I'll renew because of here..not because of there.

Since I've been here....
I've certainly let go of the idea that someone closer to my own
age chronologically might be good for me. I met a guy for dinner
one night that verbally relived Viet Nam all the way through dinner and then could not understand why I didn't want to go back to his hotel room with him. Good God Almighty! That was when I decided that most of the time, it was better to meet someone face to face after
talking on the phone. A little bit at a time, I'm also letting go of
the fear that someone who works with my daughter's husband will
see or read me here. If they have, they haven't announced it out
loud. I've been amused and amazed at the number of people that
I have known for years through business and my work who have written
to me and/or have admitted to being here for one reason or another.
More than a couple of my business associates have admitted being here and it sounds something like: *I saw you on that site..and if you see my profile...please don't tell anyone I am there*

I've rewritten my profile about a half a dozen times since I've been here striving to be more clear so that I would be heard BEFORE someone even bothered to write. People continue to amaze me and I just remind myself that any way the crayons are lifted out of the box, people just are who they are...and that is OK.

As for awesome, people have to be willing to let life be awesome and there are lots of people just aren't ready to do that...
I am and enjoy reading you because I know that you are too {=}

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

1/3/2006 8:48 pm

Candy, you met your guy on here, 4 years ago, and it's still good? Hallelujia! There is hope...

Goddess: I think we've all had "dates" from here like your Vietnam guy. I could tell ya some stories... You are pretty awesome yourself! Hey, I'm closer to your age ya know. My profile's going back on now too, see latest post.

sexyfitwoman: well we've all seen our share of perverts here! With 3190 posts, i take it you've been here awhile, so you must enjoy it for the most part right?


BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

1/16/2006 7:39 pm

Hi honni, nice to see you! I think we read each others' minds all the time. When I really think about it, I'm not sure I've ever been in real love. Maybe once, I bumped up against it, but I don't think that was it. This last one was just an infatuation...

Practice makes perfect they say! I wish I KNEW it as you do. I think it, I may even believe it, but I dont' think I know it will happen. xoxo


runzwithknives 60F

5/20/2006 12:53 pm

Been thinking about this since I read it way back in January, lol.

BF, you wrote: Can you, should you try to avoid hurt, or should you just expect it to happen? Do I spend too much time in life seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, in a vicious cycle?

Don't we all get caught in this cycle? Maybe those so very enlightened they truly understand it all. Does anyone? NOt likely. It's not me I can tell you that. Who really wants to be hurt?
It's those damn filters that cause us to project scenarios that may never happen. They twist our perception into something that may not be in an attempt to deny the possibility of hurt at all cost. Those same filters build walls ever higher-eventually no one can get in. Self defense. Eventually we close the doors for good...tell ourselves it will never happen for us...that we are not worthy...
Yes, we do spend too much time avoiding it. To our own detriment. And pain.

Say you two hook up, and it is a lot of fun, and you enjoy each other immensely. Say you want more of that. Or he/she wants more of that.....Do you dare even mention it, or just enjoy the ride and keep your mouth shut while it lasts?

Isn't this a form of dishonesty? Not being clear deliberately because we fear what we might hear back? Or not being clear or communicative because we expect expectations from the "other" (it's those damn filters again, BF). Not wanting to hear what the other wants to say because if we don't/can't hear we don't have to act with integrity, or kindness, or honesty?
The hurt you ask about exists with this kind of dishonesty. Isn't that hurt for both as opposed to, it's not my problem or it's not her problem?

I've done this forever. In each marriage and each relationship. A prime excuse for better living thru denial for me is living a lie; that I can't change anyone, they can't change me. Sometimes I think it more like I'm not willing to compromise. At least unless it's in my best interest, right? I pretend I have no expectations so I won't bother with the effort life or love or relationships or friendships take. It's easier to dismiss than to question our own actions or motives. To admit being wrong. When we do our perception changes and our thought processes change as well. That re-evaluation of ourselves is one hell of an uncomfortable place to be sometimes.

We would all be better if we could not only remember Madeline L'Engle's quote you posted but really live it,
“Because you’re not what I would have you to be, I blind myself to who, in truth, you are.” And so we continue to cut ourselves off in blindness...

xoxo, sweetie.


Become a member to create a blog