Drinking Woes (Humor)  

BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F
1008 posts
9/11/2005 10:14 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Drinking Woes (Humor)

One Star Hangover (*): No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**): No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***): Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 ice teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****): Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****): You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


ruready4adark1 56M

9/12/2005 4:59 am

I can't really explain why, but I've never had a hangover. I have been drunk (still) in the morning when it was time to get up and function, and I did that quite well.

Part of my success was learning at a very early age what my limit is and I've never gone over that limit since I was in high school over 27 years ago! Shit I'm old.


BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

9/12/2005 7:57 am

I've only had a few, like when I tried to drink 21 shots of tequila on my 21st birthday. I remember #9, someone said I actually made it to 12 before I went bye bye..

I got ya by a year I think ru. We may be old, but damn, we are fine!


rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
9/12/2005 11:06 am

uggh, just the word hangover is enough to make me ill... that's why i rarely drink these days!



[blog freelove999]


BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

9/12/2005 11:52 am

I hear ya Free. The older (and hopefully wiser) I get, the less it does for me. Although, I love a nice glass of red wine or one of those lovely English bitter beers.. Yum!


Barbiebunny69 43F

9/12/2005 6:17 pm

U said Poopfairy... LMAOOOO

Too true....as a superhero I had to put myself to the hazzard..damn i only got to 18 teq shots


BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

9/12/2005 11:37 pm

Hee hee Bunzzzzy! Hate it when that poopfairy visits me mouth..

You superheros are the best! xoxoxo


BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

9/13/2005 11:49 pm

Hey Candy nice chat.

Cabanana Boy


Become a member to create a blog