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Have I really lost my sparkle??
7/11/2006 11:26 am
Have I really lost my sparkle??
Backtrack to Saturday night. It was a friends birthday, and a man that I started to have casual sex with almost 5 years ago drove me home. We were both missing the sex at home, so it seemed like a good match. We work together so we still see eachother, talk etc. and it never feels awkward between us.
I actually met him in 1995 when I just turned 18, we spoke to eachother back then but that was about it. Then when I was 19 I moved away but re "met" him when I moved back to Peg City when I was 24. We werent intimate with eachother for years up until May, and again even when I see him things are just 'normal'
Okay sorry for the backtrack, but I wated some background on how this man knows me.
So like I said, Saturday night he drove me home and we spent 2.5 hours in front of my house talking. He is a great person to chat with and quite often has a knack for telling me things about myself that I didn't know, or had never spent time thinking about. Alas, he did it again, and I have been thinking about it since Saturday night.
He told me I lost my sparkle, my spunk, he asked he when I look in the mirror, what is it that I see. So Sunday morning I looked in the mirror and began to cry. I wasn't sure what it was I saw.
We spoke about how I used to be, the fun, the carefree, the sparkle and humour. I told him yeah, but that was 8 years ago, and 4 kids ago. He told me it was important to stay true to myself, and that I needed to reflect upon myself, what I have become, and if I like that person. At first I was like...ugh, shut up. But the more I spend thinking about it, I agree with him totally.
Who am I? What do I stand for these days, do i know who I am anymore.
In the past two days I have been asking myself a lot of questions, writing things down, looking from within for answers to questions I never knew I had.
So much has changed since I have had 4 kids, but there isn't any reason that I cant try to have some of "me" back. I will try for that.
So this is me thanking him for bringing up what he did on Saturday night.
So, um, thank you
7/11/2006 8:34 pm
Bec, I think you have your sparkle. I saw it. You just need to look for it. YOu are beautiful in and out. I appreciate you. If you need help looking - let me know. |
7/12/2006 9:14 am
Trouble with kids is that they are a dividing factor in your life. Not to say that's bad, rather there is a definite line between before and after you had them. I had a cousin who was thinking about giving up his kids to the mother, but I had to point out that wouldn't change things back to the way things were. When I knew I was going to be a father the first thing that occurred to me was "I SEE SERIOUS PROBLEMS AHEAD" followed by, "your life, as you know it, is over." It took my daughter's lagging smile to point out that, over or not, it's not a bad thing.|
I won't labor you with the details about how my life has changed, but it's no worse than before and in many ways a great deal better.
So what makes you think your "sparkle" has gone? The pic doesn't show a single lost ray of radiance, nor did the others. Your posts remain playful enough to convince me of your continued good nature from more innocent days. Furthermore from what you tell us of your sex life, you haven't lost a bit of your drive. So what made you face the mirror and stir the sorrow? Face the reflection again and think of who you are now, not who you were. Such juxtapositions are bound to be at odds and bear little relevance to each other. Ask yourself not what's wrong with the image facing you, but what's wonderful about the person you are now.
...Well... um... that was deep. Uh... if it makes you feel any better, you are as lovely a specimen of womanhood as I've ever seen, and I'd not be ashamed to have you on my arm. I bet your friend will tell you the same.