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A past Story (part 2)
A past Story (part 2)
I ran out the door letting it slam. I ran fast knowing this would hit home my point! I wanted to get away before I got sent to my room. How did I know that fuck was a bad word. I always here the boys saying it at school on the playgrond. They even had a song and I sang that for her too! Jeeze she wouldn't even tell me what it meant and I can't figure out what made her so darn mad.
"I like the song, MOM!"
" Fuck....Fuck.....Fuck.....Fuck" and a giggle erupts from the the bottom of my belly!
"Doesn't count if you won't tell me what it means." I chant.
It is not like I asked for the secrets to the universe.
"Just a simple answer would have done MOM!" I scream into the still air.
Then to make sure she knows I am right I decide to sing it loud and clear, "Jimmy and Karen sitting in a tree f ..u...c...k...i...n....g fist comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Karen pushing a baby carriage!" I kinda freak now. What if the neighbors heard. I know it is a bad word but not how bad.
I dash across the backyard and hit my path down the the river bank. It feels like my own private jungle here. Slipping and sliding on the wet earth I smell the dampness and rot of the dead leaves and tigs, feel the sting of thistle and stop my decent by grapping onto a sapling.
"Ha, I made it!" I moan as I roll another two feet.
"Becca" Ihear my mother shout."You get right back here this minute Missy!"
I scamble even faster to get the heck out of here. I am not gong back. Maybe I will never go back. Who cares anyways. They don't. They just want HIM to tag along with me.
I wish my best friend was with me. We could really have played and worked on our fort my the waters edge. It would have been alot more fun. At least I did not have to drag, HIM, along. My younger brother did not even bear thinking about. At the thought of my brother (the next younger sibling in line by just a year) a dark cloud passes over my thoughts. I hate him! God, I am sorry but I hate him. He is so...mean and ....gross!
"Not today, nope he will not find me today!" I vow silently.
Skidding down the last part of the bank I now come to the freedom road. The tracks. Lots of cool things are found here. We also love to put pennies on the track and see who gets the flatest one that is still circular. Mine sucked last time. The time before that too! Awe well.
I grab a walking stick and head on down the tracks not certain where I would go this day. I knew it would not be home.
The sun is so warm on my face and arms. It feels like God has enfolded me close to his heart. I turn my face to the sky and try to soak up as much sun as I can just like the sponge in the tub when I take a bath. If I keep enough light soaked in I can take it out when the darkness comes. I am certain this will work. I am so scared when it is dark! My flesh crawls with the thoughts of darkness. My nightlight is burned out and I think they have not gotten another just so I have to sleep in the dark! I no this is true. Why else?
Even with my eyes closed the bright orange globes of sun filters through. My mom tells me to never look directly at the sun so much because it will burn my eyes. Who cares? I already have to wear these stupid glasses. Oh would it be great to just wake up and be able to see. I wonder what that feels like?
Staring down the path again I decide to go the the VHW boat landing. See if anyone is camping there.
The sun is starting to burn hotter and brighter. My skin feels sticky and trendils of my honey blond hair curl up like a pigs tails. Little rivlets of moisture make their way down the back of my neck. I feel thirst drying out my mouth and skip down the short bank of growth to the rivers edge. There I slip my shoes off and go to the edge and cup my hand for a deep drink of ice cool water. It tastes so good. I feel cooler now.
I turn and flop down on the sand and dig my feet into the cool, dampness. I watch the eagles fly overhead and marvel at how huge their wings are.
"Bet they can carry a large size dog away" I think out loud. I flop back and wiggle into the sand till I am comfortable.
"Awe" I sigh. "That feels good!"
Then I hear his voice."Hey, becca." as he whispers it into my ear.
I freeze. I can't get my breath and fear curls in my stomache.
"Get the hell out of here!" I shout. "can't you ever leave me alone? " My breathing increases as I get ready to make a run for it.
3/26/2006 1:02 pm
Your story is so powerful. I can feel your pain and hurt with each word. If only you and I were closer when we were growing up. We both suffered so much with this family and no one around us was aware. Everyone thinking we have such a wonderful family. Every time I would hear that, I just wanted to blurt out all the hurts they have caused me, but I didn't. I was playing the good adopted daughter that I was. As I was always trying to be. Becca if only things were different....|
3/26/2006 6:17 pm
I wish I had been there for you. I think it was our age difference. Your dad and my mom where close. I think they leaned on each other in hard times. Now the pattern has gone on to us. We know better and maybe we can do better........it only takes one generation to change. That would be us. There are more options for help now. I have a group I think you should join to get over the sex stuff. You don't want to drag that into a new relationship. I will talk more about it next time we meet. Good luck on your new job tomarrow! Go gettem girl!|
3/28/2006 8:28 am
Wow, that's intense!|
3/30/2006 10:08 pm
Cor612 no that was normal. Sad to say. My brother was a total jerk when he was a kid. Very manipulative. He knew my mom never believed me about stuff. Then she would have to do something about it and I think she had so much stuff she was already doing that she chose not to believe me it was easier. Anything he wanted he would blackmail you, like I said manipulate you and so on. I hated it whenever he came around. I was always forced to take him everywhere I went too! I would always try to sneak off for the day. Kids could back then. Just be home for supper. He would always find me the jerk! Also my best fiend and I were the only girls in the neigborhood and the boys where always trying to talk us into taking our clothes off. It so sucked! I hope you had a better childhood. I know that everyone has something so I hope yours was fairly simple. If that is possible. Babies come with no directions. I was 2nd oldest and athe only girl.|
Bless your heart