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Just blogging around
Just blogging around
Well, I'm usually not sure what all I'm going to say until I start typing away, so here it goes...
It's Saturday, about 3pm, and I'm still in my sleeping clothes being a lazy-ass bum, which I deserve after this week I've had. I don't know if I'm going to end up doing anything exciting for New Years, which upsets me in way, but hell, it's just another day right?!? Maybe I'll find something to do, but sadly and unfortunately, there's no set, solid plans that I have! I'm single, alone, and have very few friends that I hang out with...why? I don't really know. I close myself off too much maybe, or is it just other people aren't making an effort to get to know me. Or maybe it's simply the fact that once I moved here from about 45 minutes away to go to school, I didn't know anyone here, and unfortunately, still don't know too many people really. Anyways, a couple things that have been on my mind lately, and are bothering me that I feel like venting about are the following:
This girl that I have seen more than a few times is confusing the hell out of me, but I think I may be doing the same to her, un-intentionally of course. See, I can sort of sense that she wants more, as she made very obvious to me a few times. But how does she really know? Maybe she's confusing her feelings with other feelings she has. I am unsure of what I want, mainly when it comes to a relationship right now in my life.
My main focus right now (even though it may not be the best or most important) is my career, my job, making money, saving money, investing, those sort of things. I know I certainly don't want to confuse my feelings of being lonely and single and up falling for someone and getting into a relationship because of those feelings...a relationship that possibly won't work out. Maybe I just need to go with the flow more often and see what happens, I don't know!
I also want to be happy and I really don't want to be alone and single, but some days, I just don't feel like being around anyone. Maybe it has something to do with my anxiety, depression, whatever, but it's really putting a damper on things.
Well, so I may have upset her in not responding with "I also want a relationship with you right now", but I don't want to mis-lead her or say something or do something that I'm unsure of or confused about. Well, she said that she's going out on a date(a blind date that her friends apparently set up for her), and I'm sensing that she told me merely to make me jealous, which sort of hurt in a way. But oh well, I shouldn't get upset, because we aren't going steady, so she can do whatever she wants, as can I, but don't tell me one thing and then suddenly decide that you're going to do something else, that just confuses me more than I already am.
So, I don't know....I suppose all I can do is just think long and hard about what it is that I really want, and make my decision, not be afraid to take a chance and just see what happens. I just won't put up with any bullshit, mind-games or unfaithfulness, because I've had enough of that. That right there, is my main problem with getting into relationships. I have trouble trusting, and even though I know I should not hold my past experiences against a new person that I meet, it's hard to let go of the images and opinions that were put into my head, and gain that faith back!!
The second thing that's been on my mind a lot lately is why I can't be more social, more outgoing, less reclusive, etc. I was told at one time that I had slight social anxiety, depression, etc....but I like to call the whole "social anxiety" thing simply "being a little too shy sometimes"! I think they like turning simple, common things that people have into serious medical terms, developing a pill for it, and making money off of it, and that bothers me.
Should I let them tell me what I need, should I let them give me that and this, and believe them when they tell me it will help me? Should I go along with what they think is best for me, or should I just go with my instinct? It's a hard decision to make, especially with all the bullshit that's shoveled around everywhere, in and out of our ears, through the television, from people's mouths, statistics, etc.etc. How do you know what is true and what is false? It really seems hopeless sometimes! On the other side of the spectrum, it all seems really ridiculous to worry about.
Some days I'm feeling just fine, and I can be very outgoing for about an hour or whatever, then maybe 10 minutes later, I crawl back into my shell and I won't really make any contact with anyone unless I really have to, or if they say something to me. I just wish it were different, and I don't know the best way to go about it. I know one thing for sure....I definitely need to start going out more, having more fun, more colorfulness in my life, less being alone, more socializing, and maybe once I get back into it, things will change.
I wasn't always like this, and I don't recall when it started, but whatever it was, I can't seem to break it. I will just continue with my career (which I'm very happy with right now), and going about my days trying to be as happy as I can, and having a positive outlook on life as much as I can, and hopefully things will change for the better. Until then, there's a void, there will always be a void, I can't put my finger on it, I can't place it, I can't fill it if I don't know what to fill it with, hopefully one day I will be able to fill that damn void.
12/31/2005 3:49 pm
What a heartfelt blog. I can only tell you my perspective as a woman and hope it will help you.|
About your friend, when she hinted that she wanted more she was feeling you out, you knew what she meant. You have intuition. But you chose not to acknowledge it or respond. When she flat out told you, you still did not respond. Her mind is turning too. She thinks your not as involved as she wants to be so she will continue to seach untill she finds someone to fill her needs. We only complicate things by ignoring our instincts.
You say you dont want cheating but you wont ask her to be in a emotionally committed relationship, shes doing what she needs to.
I think its wonderfull that you are considering alternatives and did not lie to her, that shows that you have a good heart and soul, so many men would have lied.
As a woman myself with a very strong desire to love, nurture and be loved, it is very hard to be intimate with a man and not bond with him. Regardless of the situation,Regardless of what I am triing to expolore in this time of life. I am finding very quickly that I may not be able to do it.
If you dont want her to date tell her what you told us, ask for some time, but not years and years. A good healthy relationship takes hard work, but if two people comunicate and understand each other, except each others faults and can make reasonable sacrifices there is nothing better.
Pills mask problems, they dont solve them, they are meant to be part of a therapee progrem. Everyone has forgotton that. Use them if you need them as a last resort. First get invloved in group therapee, lookat your sleep and eating habits, start an exercise regimine and get outside in the ight as muck as possible. Good luck.
This is only my perspective, you seam so genuine and open, i wish you the best.
12/31/2005 6:07 pm
Thank you for taking the time to read my first blog entry, and for commenting on it as well. I really appreciate it, and you definitely had some helpful, wise words in there that I will be surely thinking about. I can sense that you are an intuitive person as well, just by a few things that you said. Thank you again. |