More self-pitying, pretentious bullshit.......  

BabyfaceLouie 55M
98 posts
8/8/2006 9:52 am

Last Read:
8/10/2006 10:15 am

More self-pitying, pretentious bullshit.......


I haven't posted for a while, and now I am doing, I don't really know where to start.

OK....deep breath......

Had a great weekend a couple of weekends ago. I really did. Spent time with someone I really like. Felt almost human.

And then back to the grim reality. And the grim reality that I love someone. And the grim reality that I can't/won't let go of it. Despite the pain it causes me. Haven't felt this much pain since I was a child. You'see, its unrequited love, and its love for someone I see every damn day. I work with her. So every day I face pain by going to work. I feel its crushing the human soul out of me.

The pain spreads too, because I've hurt that friend of mine, probably to the point that our relationship won't ever be the same again. I never meant to. But sometimes you say things that come out differently from what you actually mean, and its then too late because they've been said.

I feel so full of pain and fury that I don't feel human any more. The devil in me is so near the surface I'm not sure I can contain it. It drives the fury and feeds off it. I feel emotionally dislocated. Maybe the reality is that the devil is the real me and the human part is the doppleganger. Its the fury that bothers me the most, and the less I feel I fit into society, the more the fury grows. I can't let the fury out, it scares me. I scare me.

And no, I'm not depressed. I've been depressed before, so I know what its like.

"So the wars still going on dear,
There's no end that I can see,
I have used up all my weapons
And my armour is destroyed.
Scars are all I'm made of"

SuzieQ4U60 61F

8/8/2006 10:15 am

Louie,

How I feel your pain of the unrequited love. Am going thru it myself, well, the dealing with of it. Its painful. This person in my life still wants a friendship with benefits thing... I can't do that. If we both felt the same, I could. But since I care way more than he does, even a friendship is impossible. He is not 'in love' with me. He knows that that feels like and he will not settle for less, he says. Oh, he loves spending time with me, going places, laughing, all that...... just isn't in love with me. Well, for me to continue with things the way they are, I would be settling... so it had to end. Very painful. I will miss him greatly. Miss the meals, vacations, camping trips, hanging out with him and his kids, miss hearing him play guitar and singing to me. I will miss alot. I have wondered, tho, how someone can spend so much time with you and do all we have, and not feel love. Are men better able to separate love and sex that well? I simply canont carry on a continuing sexual relationship with someone and no love them. I am just not able.

Good luck dear...

suz


moonlightphoenix 45F
6508 posts
8/8/2006 10:24 am

Wow. Salt in the wound daily. That sucks.


try_ME45 57F

8/8/2006 12:44 pm

She's still your friend.


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