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Chasing a Man
Chasing a Man
**This was an Advice response in the Magazine that I (Bill) gave on 10/09/2005. We thought we would post it here, along with the original Advice question. There were some interesting responses posted, and we encourage you to take a look at them.
Enjoy, and Happy Hunting!
What is the right amount to pursue a man? By, Sheeana
"I realize there's no scientific answer to this, and it'll vary from man to man, but in general, how much do you think a woman should pursue a man she's started seeing or is trying to start seeing? I know 'chasing' is bad, but what constitutes chasing? I sometimes wonder if I don't leave men so much alone they think I'm not really interested because I'm so afraid of chasing them away."
This "chasing" question is one reduced to cultural mores. As a result, you should ask yourself if you wish to follow societies protocol or maybe go beyond it. "Chasing" is simply the primitive flirtation that either a person of the opposite (or same) sex picks-up on or does not pick-up on coming from and interested mate. The degree of "chasing" considered bad would be relative to the individual and society; and not something that can be quantified.
My recommendation is to simply communicate clearly what your intentions are with the person you are interested in ... for example. "Bob would you like to go out to dinner with me." Yes or No ... end of story "Bob I am sexual attracted to you, do you feel the same"...Yes or Nor ... end of story ... of "Chasing." So chasing becomes only an issue when communication is poor or ambiguous.
Hope this helps...
11/20/2005 10:25 pm
kudo's that most men would love. how do we get there?|
11/23/2005 10:29 pm
Assuming I understand your question correctly, i.e., "How do most men get there?" I appreciate the depth of the rather common sense reflection in that question, assuming again that I understand the depth of the question. Getting to the point of an open conversation that requires honesty and forthrightness is not easy indeed. In fact, unless one recognizes that there are such controling factors within the environment in which we live, such as the mores we are speaking of, it is a psychological impossiblity for one to obtain such honesty. |
Clearly, for a man to arrive at the point of such blunt honesty to a woman (or visa versa), necessitates a strong woman (and/or man) that is also aware of societies mores. The willingness to step outside of these mores is very similar to a born-again experience (I prefer the term 'deconversion'). That experience may be, and in fact is in many cases, arrived at via education. The education informs the individual of societal controls that he and/or she were not originally aware of (first time reflection of the possibility of being duped is always awakening...no one wants to lose control of his/her own life). They generally become initially angry at the fact of their lack of control of their own belief system; consequently they become either a very vocal fundamentalist against societies mores, or they become more reflective. It is the latter that would be the ideal condition for one to be in. Fundamentalism of any kind, religious or secular, is simply another form of mind control. One which is best to avoid in order to facilitate open dialogue in being forthright and upfront in the direction of a relationship.
No simple answer will satisfy most of us. The human being is complex, hence, the answer to resolve a lifetime of indocrination is complex as well. My recommendation, as a philosopher, is to ask the simple question why? That is, why should I believe, for example, that my wife's dress looks nice on her, when I actually believe it looks like shit? Why does society tell me to lie to her in order to save her pride, or my alleged well-being? Would she actually prefer me to lie to her, or to tell her the truth? I suspect the latter ... it may be painful at first (for her and I both), but don't you think she would rather I tell her my position, then some stranger with whom she is trying to impress for a job???
It appears that many give the lip-service of truth, but it takes a unique person to understand the benefits of it. Part of that truth is recognizing when society is controlling your behavior and when you are freely choosing to behave in a certain way. Up front conversation to a woman, and visa versa, is painful initially, but rewarding in the long run. As Aristotle states concerning education, by analogy, "The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." In other words, the breaking from societal mores, is painful initially, but the payoff is great in the long run.
There is no scientific formula for arising above such mores as the chasing issue for the woman or the man. But unless one never begins the reflection of the issue, one will likely never start down the path of insight on human communication. The beginning of knowledge, as you likely know, is the beginning of questioning. So, simply put, it is education that frees one, whether male or female, from the grip of cultural rules.
As concerning myself, my education began with traveling the world as a young boy in the military of 17 years of age. Through my travels, and then my formal education, I began to, with limitations, see the distinction between my own beliefs and what various societies tell me to believe. I also began to recognize that, indeed, it is a rather rare quality to speak the truth in the world. For the truth creates much pain of the realization of one's own ignorance.