B0wflex 43M
88 posts
3/21/2006 5:08 pm

Last Read:
3/26/2006 10:46 am


I was up last night thinking and wondering if my life has gone the way I have wanted it to go? Have I done the right things in my life or have I just wasted it doing things that really don't matter in improving my life. Everyone goes through this in there lifetime some sooner than other and if you want to call it mid-life crisis than it can be called the same as well. But I have been thinking about this allot and not because I'm old either. I mostly thought about why I'm I still alive and why have I gotten so lucky doing the things I have done. I've gone to one of the most dangerous places on earth and lived, while so many of my fellow brothers and sisters have died. Some of my colleagues would call it survivor’s guilt, but this is a lot more than that. It's a question about why I have seemed to avoid being a target for death? It's not like I want to die now or end it all with a blink of an eye or in a blaze of glory. Which I would rather do than die on a bed while my kids cry, because I could no longer take care of myself and just withered away... But to get to what I was trying to say is this, have I done or taken advantage of my life, what I have been given that some do not get? Part of me tells me no, but I look back and I see all the things I have done and they are abundant. I have helped people solve there problems, saved lives, given a part of myself to those who’ve needed a positive influence to keep them pursuing there own dreams. I have made love, had sex and fucked like a rabbit. I have had my heart broken and broken one or two in the process, but I still think my heart has been broken allot more than I have broken them. I have kissed in friendship, kissed my love and kissed for passion, that is dangerous at times because that's how I kiss now and I get so into it, it hurts when I don't do it again. I've thought about killing and I have killed, I've had remorse about it and justified it because of whom I worked for at the time. I've seen my mother cry and I've made my mother cry, in turn I've suffered for doing so ever since and I can't say sorry enough. I've cried over movies, cried over lost pets and I've cried over losing best friends and lovers. I've been overweight and I've been a man with a great body close to a stripper career, (my mom probably wouldn't approve so I didn't do it). I've lived overseas, experienced cultures, expanded my mind through understanding different people and I've embraced my own Native American blood by sitting at the fire and watching my spirit flow to the stars and dance with my ancestors. All of this and more I have done and I still don't think I have done enough, I still have doubt about why or how can I improve my life. True just because I have done allot doesn't mean I have benefited by my experiences. An old saying is only a fool makes the same mistake twice, it's the wise man that can admit he is wrong and learn from his faults. I have always been a student of philosophy and psychology so when I learn something about myself and or others I make sure I remember it and try to pass it on to others. Because ultimately a fool speaks while a wise man listens... Well I think I have talked enough and I don't think most people would even make it this far in reading my blog today so I will cut this off now. For those of you that have read this far it only means that I interest you enough that you would read my banter and babble. I'm not sad in case you were thinking that, I'm just mostly thinking, but I'm sure if I had a woman I wouldn't even think about this at all. But who's to say, I just might anyway, I do have an active mind and a great imagination... But I would like to thank you anyway for getting this far in such a boring blog of mine.

fndsinva 50M

3/24/2006 5:30 pm

I don't know if there is a correct answer to your question. If there is, only you have it. Are you happy? Or do you see yourself being happy somewhere along the path you have chosen? Only you can answer those questions. You and I have had a number of similiar experiences (I haven't had the experience with the women in the limo, but I now have a goal to work towards lol) and I found myself asking those very same questions. It didn't happen to me until the first time I was unable to save a life that I was responsible for. Reality has a way of crashing in on you when that happens. And unfortunately, since you and I had similiar former employers, we know that happens eventually. But it is not an easy thing to have happen, and then come back and have to look the widow, children or other family members in the eye and say you are sorry. All you can do is the best you can, and make the best decisions for you and your family. And then, hopefully, as you approach the end of the path we call life, you will be able to look back and say you lived well. And happy. And all of the experiences we go through help shape who we are. And you in turn help shape those around you and those you bring into the world. If your friends and family have a good life, then you have done well my friend.
Thanks for the very thought provoking post. Now I am going to go outside under the stars (I would if it wasn't for the damn clouds), have a beer and remember those that I couldn't save. Fortunately, it is a very short list.

B0wflex 43M
294 posts
3/24/2006 6:56 pm

Thank you fndsinva, there really wasn't a question for anyone to answer for me, it was just something that I wanted to write because I needed to talk to someone. And I usually don't talk to anyone about my feelings or problems so I decided to just type them out and see if I can solve them by just talking. I am still confused and wondering but of course I will find my way soon enough. But thank you anyway for the kind words and I hope when you sit outside tonight that you remember the people that shaped you.

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