The Start of My Life  

AzCdKayle 61T
24 posts
2/19/2006 7:20 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The Start of My Life

I have decide to try this out and see how long I can keep this up. The first entry here will be very long as I tell you all about me who I am and how I have found myself

This is about the beautiful and wonderful world of Kayle Jean Grayson (aka Greg). Kayle Jean was born on October 4th, 2000.

This is the world of a transgender who is seeking a friend, mate, lover, and soulmate. A special lady for a short/long term relationship and much more.

All my life I felt that there was a part of me missing somewhere. I am a very honest person. In fact, I've been told that I'm too honest for my own good. I do know that I haven't been honest with myself. As a teen, I used to try on my mother's lingerie. (Yes. I was caught.) Since then, wearing lingerie has been something I have always enjoyed. When I enlisted in the military, I had to stop for awhile because of the lack of privacy, but began again as soon as I could do so safely. During that time, I met a woman who I thought understood my needs, and she assisted me to go further in my cross dressing in the privacy of our home. I wore dresses/night gowns from the moment I walked in the door until I got up for work the next day. After some years, we parted ways and I stopped dressing up for awhile. I thought that I was happy without it, but after a few years, I went back to cross dressing and discovered that I was much happier being who I really was.

After about 8 years, I married another woman who was encouraging about my needs. There was always some tension between us and after the arrival of our baby she determined that she would prefer a woman and we separated. I again stopped wearing lingerie and was very depressed and closed off from the world. I didn't date or really talk very much to anyone about anything. Then one day I met a woman at work. We got to know each other and dated and I eventually told her about my "fetish" for wearing panties. She had difficulty accepting even that small part of me and broke up with me. In the process, she told another coworker about my lingerie. Shortly afterward, I left that job to take on a more lucrative one on the road and while I was away, that co-worker wrote me some email explaining what had been told to her. On September 29th, 2000, I became honest with myself and opened up. As a lesbian, she was very accepting of my lifestyle and I opened up to her and told her the story from the beginning.

During my lifetime I have had quite a range of careers. In the military, I worked in Patton's Museum, in US Customs, and in Nuclear Surety. In the private sector, I worked as a Security Office Manager, a Professional Level III Test Driver, and went over the road as a truck driver. One of my most recent job was in Tactical Security as a photographer and video evidence collector, response team, and shift supervisor. One of my fondest assignments was a couple of years back working at the Smithsonian Institute-America's Tour 150th Anniversary in Scottsdale. This field requires alot of traveling and living out of a suitcase in hotels. I have recently changed jobs from traveling across the country to a county job in Phoenix where I can wear my lingerie under my clothes and go home and slip into a skirt/blouse or dress when my roommate isn't home. By settling down, I can spend time building my wardrobe and hopefully find that special lady I seek.

On October 4th, 2000, Kayle Jean Grayson was born. The name was picked out by my friend's life partner. It's a very beautiful name and I love it. I returned from an assignment on October 6th, 2000. During the week, we went shopping and picked out a skirt, blouse, vest, and make-up. It was so fun and I never felt so good. On October 13th, I became kayle and we went out in public. I felt so beautiful being dressed up as a woman. Yes. I was nervous about going, but I had my friend and her life partner's support. I was in good hands. Now, with the help of her and her life partner, I am living a dream come true. What will the future hold for me? I don't know. I take one day at a time, hoping and praying that somewhere out there, a lady will understand me and accept me for who I am.

During the day, I am a gentleman, wearing lingerie under my clothes. At night, I dress as a woman, going out with my friends in dresses and make-up, or sleeping in silk nightgowns. I'm a fun, laid back guy who has had many careers. I'm 5'10", height/weight proportionate with long red hair with highlights, and blue eyes.

As of April 2002 I started working for Maricopa County, I found a job that I love and also learn something new almost each and everyday, and more than likely will retire there unless something better comes along.

In June of 2003 I became so frustrated that I took it out on my co-workers and knew than I had to seek help. Because if I didn’t I would have been fired. So I found a therapist and started seeing her. After the 2nd or 3rd visit I opened up to her telling her about my other life. The process was somewhat slow. Than 6 months later she was moving her practice and would transfer me to a therapist she would trust with my case. To my amazement she did find someone and she is the greatest. It was so easy to talk with her and we have moved along at a good speed. We started working on my fears of telling my close friends, co-workers and others, so we went one step at a time. First it was my closest friends. I was very much afraid of loosing every one of my friends, but I would open up to them. I would either write them by email or by calling them on the phone or see them in person. The first person I told was a very close friend I have know since 1981 and we met at a restaurant and I told her that I have something to you and I started to say that I live a alternative lifestyle and she said your gay and I said no I am not gay, so I showed her some pictures and she was happy for me to include her. We talked for about an hour and she knew that I was different, but couldn’t figure it out. She would later tell her husband who was also a close friend of mine; he didn’t have a problem either.

Than in September of 2003 I started telling every one of my friends and I was totally surprised what the true meaning of friendship. I didn’t loose anyone and most knew because of my long hair or letting my nails grow longer. Some knew something was up and asked if I was gay and I stated no. They have all to this day support me and love me for who I am and for not hiding myself to them.

All of them have asked why I didn’t tell them right off and I told them I was afraid of loosing them. Than they would ask questions and most of them I would tell them I was a woman trapped in a male body and wasn’t happy with life, and when I am dressed as a woman I feel so different a new person and I love being a woman, I have never been happy and they would say we can see the difference. I wasn’t the shy and bashful person I am most of the time.

After telling my therapist about what I did she was so proud and happy for me, so we moved onto the next step telling my co-workers. I sat down and wrote out a letter explaining the changes I was going through and started seeing a therapist and that I was a woman trapped in a male body and I would start dressing as a woman on the grave yard shift. I received a lot of support and new friends and each one of them knew something was wrong with me because I was that happy. Now they new and some would help me if I needed anything. I was truly amazed! I told my therapist on the next visit and she was very happy and proud of me. This went on with my supervisor and boss than my brother and his wife plus my doctor. The next step was to tell my mother I had to do this. But with my mother’s health battling lung cancer and consulting with my brother and therapist we all agreed that I should hold off until her health was stable.

Now we will jump ahead to April 2004 and I was dressing as a woman on the graveyard shift and I was happy. Than my world was starting to crumble my roommates who were somewhat understanding were having a problem. The wife she was very understanding, but her husband wasn’t any more, first it was stop wearing make-up, than the clothes, so they came to me and said that by September I need to find a place, I was told they were filing for bankruptcy and my rent payment would be consider income.

There were some other problems coming up too during this time. On in July just before I was to move I was informed I would be moving to day shift. I tried to tell my boss what about my appearance and the restroom, he didn’t want to hear about. So I decide I wasn’t going to take this. So I started looking at county policies and decided to talk with our HR rep. After work on a Monday a week before I was to move to day shift and about 2 weeks before I was to move, I saw our HR rep., as Kayle, we talked for about an hour and half and she would have a talk with Jim our boss and let me know what went on. Three days later she called me and ensured that there would be no problems with me going to day shift and if there would be to contact her right away. On August 24, I went to day shift as Kayle, Jim called me into the office and advised me that there would be no problems and that in the next building there are two co-ed restrooms which can be locked from the inside and there would be no problems with me using them.

The day shift move was the best for me. I moved into my new apartment September 1st and have been living and working as Kayle 24/7. The county has also change my ID from Greg A. Felty to Kayle Grayson and when I go to court they will change all my other information.

During this time I did manage to tell my mother for she was feeling better, she asked me if I was happy and I told her yes I was, I have never been so happy and sent her some photo's and a letter, but in the month of November 2004 she wasn't very understanding, I wish I could have told her a year earlier. In December of 2004 her condition turn for the worst. In January 2005 she was the same she had some good days and bad. In February 2005 I got a call on the 22nd that my mother was admitted and I needed to come home. I made plans with a friends help and left Phoenix on the 24th. I flew into Providence and as the plane touched down it was announce that the airport was shut down, there would be no contecting flights or incoming or outgoing flights do to the snow storm.

I picked up my rental and drove what would be a normal drive of 34 minutes took almost 2 hours to get to Groton, the roads were not even plowed. I did make and went to New London Hospital and got to see my mother before she passed away in the early morning hours of the 25th, 2005. I believe to this day that God had been watching over me, my flight and granted my wish and family wish that she hold on for me to see her.

The plan was in March 2005 for me to file leally to change my name and than going to change driver license and all that good stuff. I have also seen a psychotherapist who works with Transgenders and after talking with her; she stated that after two or three sessions she would write a letter to a doctor that I have chosen so that I can start hormone therapy. She will also be a mentor to my therapist as I continue my forward process into womanhood!

Well things haven't worked out as I have planned, I don't think a lot of things work out as we wish they would.

On March 31, 2005 I started on hormones, it was a day of pure happiness for me and I was so excited I told all my friends and they were very happy and wish me the best. During this time work was getting a bit of a problem, all my co-workers were ok with me coming out and were calling KJ or Kayle with the exception of my manager Jim, I figure that maybe he was just having a hard time and would wait for a month or two.

As time went on there was no change in his mind, I was Greg and he wouldn't even consider KJ or Kayle, even through I was dressing as a woman he wouldn't even refer to me as she, or her it was always he.

On Aug 3rd of 2005 I took a EM Button or a hot call from one of our PO's, she never came back on the air. Calls started coming that a PO was shot and I was still ok, than another call came in stating that it was two PO's that were shot and I lost it, I was taken off the radio and put in an office with another Supervisor to comfort me until our Crisis Management Team arrive. During this time I put a call to my Therapist to contact me at work. I finally was comfortable and went home and was put on a weeks leave. I did go in the next to talk with my Therapist and she was floored by the way Jim treat me on the phone with her, he kept calling me Greg or he, she told him that Kayle is not Greg anymore and he wouldn't hear of it. So during this time I attended counseling a few times and than a debriefing.

At this same time my Therapist got in touch with our HR department and told them I need to be transfer or I may have problems adjusting from one person to another.

I went back to work after a week and felt find, but I didn't want to stay in the Communications department anymore I wanted to transfer and told Jim this.

In September of 2005 I got my wish and was transfer to DTEF(Drug Treatment Education Funding) with the Trial Courts of Arizona and Maricopa County.

I have found a home, I went from what some would say a hell hole to heaven.

My new co-workers and a number of other staff at WRC respect me call me Kayle or KJ, her, she and I love it and respect them all. It has been such a wonderful change for me. My health has inproved and my out look has change. I have never been so much happy, I even enjoy getting up in the mornings and sometimes say in the mirror I love going to work, I can't wait to start the day.

My life has turned around and most of all I truely know who I am, in my mind soul and heart, I am a woman, I am Kayle Jean Grayson.

I have even met a friend on-line and we chat and email each other almost daily, she has helped me, she makes me smile, makes me laugh and really makes my day most of the time, well in fact all the time.

So there you have it, now you know who I am and what I have gone through.

LapALotta 54F

2/20/2006 4:23 pm

kayle, when you say you are going to write a lot, you mean it! lol

The journey you have been on is phenomenal and I am so proud of you! It is a rare thing to be able to be this honest with yourself and with others. I understand but am heartbroken reading how much you tried to ignore or suppress how you feel truly. The heart of humankind is never done well when we don't embrace who we are and who those we love are.

You are an incredible woman and friend. Thanks for sharing so well.

AzCdKayle 61T
83 posts
2/20/2006 5:20 pm

Thank you Lotta for your comments.

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