Your Crass Horoscope  

AtomicArtist0 45M
5236 posts
7/29/2005 11:32 pm

Last Read:
7/28/2006 6:11 pm

Your Crass Horoscope

Because I am starved for your comments and I'm a liscenced astrologer all of a sudden, here is your Crass Horoscope. Pass it along to your friends and lets hope The Onion doesn't corner the market on humorous astrology. Enjoy.

ARIES (MAR24-APR19)You will be very much appreciated in the workplace this week and your co-workers will treat you like a rock star.Unfortunately this rocking life and attitude also includes trashing hotel rooms, dead hookers in the pool, all the cocaine you could ever want and your untimely death at 27.

TAURUS (APR20-MAY20)As a person of simple values, you live by only one code: if its brown flush it down. This causes a world of problems later this week as you try to unclog a pineapple from the crapper. Way to go, dipshit!

GEMINI (MAY21-JUN20)Due to a streak of bad luck and your unfortunate inability to turn down a bar bet you end up naked in an ally behind Kentucy Fried Chicken without the use of your thumbs.

CANCER (JUN21-JUL22)In spite of your valiant efforts in dating this month, you are distraught to find out repeatedly that when they say they want "funny, unique, caring, and sensitive" they really mean an ungodly physique, a 7-figure income, and an unrelenting 10 inch cock.

LEO (JUL23-AUG22) The giant squid (Architeuthis Dux)is the largest inverdibrate on the planet. Little is known of this strange creature because a live one has never been studied and stomach contents of any speciman found have always turned up empty. This odd little fact will be instumental in ruining your marriage.

Virgo (AUG23-SEP22)As a Virgo the stars declair that you are ruled by your stomach. However, this shouldn't be an excuse for your appaling behavior this week. Did you really have to pull a chair up to the buffet and chow down until the manager called the cops? Show some restraint for Christ's sake!

LIBRA (SEP23-OCT22) The person closest to you will tell you that you are the most intelligent and dynamic soul he has ever met. You'd be a little more flattered if the person closest to you didn't happen to be the guy who sleeps behind Krispy Kreme. Maybe its time for new friends.

SCORPIO (OCT23-NOV23) Everyone knows you march to the beat of a different drummer. However, did you really think it was a wise idea to tell your mom's friends about your extensive German fisting porno collection? What good could have come from that? Come on, now!

SAGITTARIUS (NOV22-DEC21)You take on a tough, take shit from nobody attitude this week as one authority after another dampens your style by telling you that you can't do the things that you enjoy. Your discontent crescendos mid-week as the maitre d' of a very nice restaurant informs you that you are not permitted to smoke. You demonstrate your distaste for his snotty attitude by putting out your cigarette on your tongue.

CAPRICORN (DEC22-JAN19)Just to get things out in the open, your new girlfriend of just a few days informs you that, due to a painful medical condition, she is not into anal sex. Still, this doesn't stop you from trying.

AQUARIUS (JAN20-FEB1Mercury rising will influence your judgement later this week with some very adverse repercussions. You were warned not to eat the pretty stuff that comes out of a broken thermometer but you did it anyway.

PISCES (FEB19-MAR20)You entertain your friends this weekend and become the brunt of many jokes for months to come. After some heavy drinking, you awaken at a party with a warm tickling sensation around your crotch area. You find your hand submersed in a bowl of warm water and your friends are laughing hysterically and snapping photos on their digital cameras. You've never been opposed to a good prank and are a good sport about it until you are further embarrassed to find that your friend's dog is also licking your balls.

AtomicKisss 58M

7/30/2005 12:44 am

Very creative - I like it. By the way, how did you come up with your name (the Atomic part)? Dis you explode on to the art scene? Do you draw mushroom clouds? Was it just a random pick? What gives???


JaniceSCRN 53F

7/31/2005 7:23 am

Hey there, I picked up your blog from reading AtomicKisss. I simply love it. Thanks for beginning my day with a good laugh.

havenbliss 43F

8/7/2005 6:06 am

Very funny!!! I love them all though I thing Virgos deserved something a little more snappy. Keep thinking!


chantilly20002 48F

8/8/2005 2:43 pm

funny! i am a pisces and if i ever wake up with a dog licking my balls the joke will be on him....giggle...great stuff Atomic!

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