Taste Our Soup Again...For The First Time  

AtomicArtist0 45M
5236 posts
1/7/2006 10:55 am

Last Read:
7/30/2006 11:13 pm

Taste Our Soup Again...For The First Time

Introducing Guest Writer Robert P. Kimball III, CEO of Kimball Soup, INC.

In the past, AtomicArtist has been gracious enough to feature guest writers or commenters on his blog. First it was Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, then it was Atomic's own homo brother and now I'm proud to join the ranks of this prestigious lot as his third guest writer. I'm Robert P. Kimball III, CEO of Kimball Soup, INC.

I'm taking this time and this blogspace now to let you know that when my granddaddy started this corporation, things were less complicated. We were the only canned soup company in the business and back then there was no such thing as a class action lawsuit.

I'm sad to say that over the past six years, we've seen an 11% decrease in sales in our fine product...also, we're no longer the top canned soup company around and I'd like to change that here and now. I'm asking you, the American people and the people of the world to...taste our soup again...for the first time. After all, its been years since Roy fell in the vat and by God we've worked to remedy our rat problem. I do vigorous screening when hiring, that way, our employees are less likely to dip their balls in the chicken broth. I can assure you that all Puerto Ricans in my employ are required to wear hair nets at all times and no one...I mean no one... has put a cigarette out in the Manhattan Clam Chowder since last July.

We've even changed the label a bit to correlate with the needs of today's consumers. Our label is more hip hop, more extreme, more in your face than ever before, yet still maintianing some aspects of our traditional label that your parents have come to trust all these years.

I've also heard a lot of bitching and moaning lately about you wanting lower calorie and healthier alternatives to our traditional line of fine soups and I want to let you know that I hear you loud and clear, Fatty! This year, we have five new low-cal choices for your prissy dietary needs. We've also come up with two new soups that should satisfy those cocksucking vegans who came along to ruin a good thing for the rest of us.

Yes, sir, I've taken a good look at our corporation, our product, and our staff and have made many, many changes for the better. I didn't get an MBA just so that I can get fucked in the ass by my competitors, thats for damn sure!

I am curious to hear your input, whether it be to praise our fine product or to criticize my decision to make changes to a three generation old lagacy. Your comments will be read, recorded by my staff and archived and on this post, I can assure you that, I will be the one commenting back in person, and not that fucking pretentious AtomicAsshole. What does he know about corporate management, anyway? I'll tell you what he knows...Jack Shit!

I'm Robert P. Kimball III, CEO of Kimball Soup, INC. wishing you a good night and to please...taste our soup again...for the first time.

49AK 55M
1823 posts
1/7/2006 11:32 am

I love your stuff... I eat it right out of the can. Its like chicken pudding!

caressmewell 53F

1/7/2006 11:55 am

LMAO I will never look at a can of soup the same again!

jakblack36 48M

1/7/2006 11:59 am

I have re-written this post several times. In a vague attempt to impress you with my wit and humor. However, I just don't feel like being funny. I thought to myself funny how? Funny like a fucking clown? Like a came here just to impress all these fine outstanding urbanites that read this blog?

oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
1/7/2006 12:43 pm

LMAO You are probably close to the truth.

1023 posts
1/7/2006 1:15 pm

You know Mr. Kimball, I've read this with immense interest, for soup is a big part of my diet. I was enthralled with your pleas and must remark that ever since the mailman, Mr. Mcfeely, delivered a video to Mr. Rodgers about the inner workings of a soup plant, I've been hooked on soups and when you wrote," ....I hear you loud and clear, Fatty" it was as though you were talking to me. I'm so glad to have this chance to ask this question of you for it has been on my mind for years. Is it true that your brother, Dr. Richard Kimball found the one armed man that had killed his wife and be doing so, his name was cleared? If so, is he still a doctor, or is he preforming taste tests on new soup flavors? Thanks!

rm_art_persists 51M
1789 posts
1/7/2006 5:32 pm

I too enjoy your product. I find the fat works as an excellent lubricant for when I place small rodents up my ass. I do say that I once found flies in my soup and I was astounded to finally say "waiter what's this fly doing in my soup..."; unfortunately the flies were dead and the waiter missed his chance to say "they're doing the backstroke".

havenbliss 43F

1/7/2006 5:47 pm

LOL! That was the best comeback!

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/7/2006 8:46 pm

AK 49...hello, 49er. I'm glad you like my fine product. Why dirty a dish when you can eat right out of the can, right? Our distribution reaches all over the globe...even in the desolate tundra of Bumfuck Alaska, where you are.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/7/2006 8:51 pm

caressmewell...do you know why you can't look at another can of soup the same way again? Its because my product is more hip hop, more extreme, and more in your face than ever before. I've totally revolutionized canned soup as we know it. My chicarina has bigger, heartier meatballs that scream "bite me, motherfucker!!" Bet you can't say the same about all the other brands.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/7/2006 9:02 pm

jakblack36...I don't know much about pop culture, but Atomic tells me you were in that movie where you tought kids how to be rock stars. See, thats the problem with you people these days. Teaching kids to rock out with their cocks out isn't important. What is important is to teach them about corporate management. Now thats a goddamned skill they could use!

And what are you trying to impress me with humor for? Nothing I said was funny. Its just my in your face, take shit from no one corporate management style. Don't worry about trying to think up something funny, worry about how you're protect your company against class action law suits. You should just come to your senses and realize that you're just like me, kid...not funny at all!

giasine 42F

1/7/2006 9:02 pm

Rat problem? Naw... Rat solution!

Have a monthly corporation fun day, where all employees participate in a Kimball Rat Roundup- all captured rats are then processed for the new Kimball Brooklyn Rat Chowder. I'm certain those who originate from the Big Apple will fully identify with and appreciate it!

On the other hand, it pains me to learn that you've taken action to stop employees from dipping their balls in the chicken broth. Such a surprise was always something for me to look forward to when heating up a can of Kimball soup. It was like finding the golden ticket in Wonka candy! Those cans of soup just had that extra something, you know? I implore you, Mr. Kimball! Reinstate the Ball-dippers!!!

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/7/2006 9:13 pm

oldman1776...fucking A right I'm close to the truth! I never lie about anything...ever! Thats my take shit from no one management style. Atomic tells me you're new to his blog...yeah, thanks for stopping by, whatever! But from the looks of you, you're surely not new to soup. Heck, you were probably around before my granddaddy started this company way back when you had to hunt down your own beef barley. Well, Pops I'm sure you know you can enjoy my fine product even without your dentures. Just suck it down with a straw!

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/7/2006 9:31 pm

HornyViking722...what kind of fucking name is that? Do you get any action with a name like that? If you can keep it in your pants for five minutes, maybe I can teach you something about good corporate management. That way, you and your inflatable fuck buddy there can start your own business and make a few million bucks instead of leeching off society.

You wouldn't believe how many people tell me that...it was like I was addressing them personally whenever I'd give a closing quarter speech. You're right, by the way...I hear you loud and clear, Fatty. I hear you huffing and puffing up the stairs like an invalid. I hear you breathing out your mouth like a retard. you need to put down that rubber broad and run yourself around the block a few times.

And to answer your questions, yes, my brother is a doctor and no, we didn't find that one armed guy. No worries, though, we're both very powerful people. We can pin it on anybody and we'll win what with our wealth, influence and family name. We'll pin it on some nobody...maybe some big guy with no credibility and anger issues. say, that gives me an idea!

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/7/2006 9:44 pm

art persists...I've heard of freaks like you! Actually, thats what my whole Rhode Island branch canning facility used to do before I told them to knock it off. How do you think we got the idea for cream of mushroom soup? HA! HA! Anyway, it was always with the rodents up the ass with those people...and by those people, I mean the Portuguese. Of course with them being Portuguese it meant they were required to wear hairnets at all times, those hairy bastards. Puerto Ricans, Portuguese, Greeks, Turks, Romanians...all got to wear hairnets if they want to work for me. You know who is exept from the hairnet policy? Those Swedes. They have clear, hairless smooth skin like a baby's ass!

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/7/2006 9:51 pm

havenbliss...Best comeback? If you mean my comeback as the leading canned soup distributor in the world by the end of this fiscal year, then fucking A right that will be a good comeback, Missy! My distribution will be so wide you won't be able to take a shit on the moon without hitting one of my cans of Vegetable Alphabet soup!

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/8/2006 12:03 pm

giasine...you must have snuck in the back door as I was commenting, so I missed you, there. No worries, I can address your concern now. My staff have taken down your idea about the Brooklyn Rat Chowder and we might take it into consideration.

As for you wanting balls dipped in your soup, you're one strange twisted broad, you know that? I lost 11% of my product sales over the past six years because of the ball dipping, not in spite of it. If I wanted to survive in this corporate world, I had to put a stop to that and fast. If you want ball-dipping reinstated into my company policy, its going to take more than the likes of you to get it done. I go with what the general public wants and not the babble of one lone nut...unless of course that one lone nuts happens to have a sizable special interst bribe to offset prospective losses. Thats the way business works, Sweetheart!

I'll tell you what. If you want balls dipped in your soup or anything else for that matter, I'll give Manuel, who used to work for me in my Detroit canning facility your contact info. Hes still looking for a mate, and a job. I'm sure the two of you will hit it off well.

CelticKarma 43F
1350 posts
1/8/2006 9:33 pm

And people ask why I don't buy canned soups...

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/9/2006 6:52 pm

CelticKarma...people ask you why you don't buy canned soup? I'm also asking why. My soup is the best! Chicken noodle, cream of broccoli, minestroni...they all make my competitor's soups taste like tap water and lawn trimmings! I've got the widest distribution on the planet so that means my product is even where you are...in...um...that country you're in way down there. Where the hell are you, anyway?

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/9/2006 7:02 pm

BigGirlzRSweet...if 50 Cent wants to endorse my line of Thick and Hearty soups, he'd have to chance his name to Buck-Twentynine!

I already have the new commercial picked out, anyway. I'll sit there and eat a bowl of soup, while these soul sistas shake their bodacious booties in my face...all to that whisper song by The Yin Yang Twins...only I'm so hip hop and in your face that they don't blurt out the last word with oooohhh like they do in the video.

Wait till you see our cocks!

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
1/10/2006 8:02 pm

tipadee...holy mother of crap!! We've got a wild one here! What kind of derranged nut case are you, anyway? I thought I paid for the ten year restraining order. Wasn't that cash settlement enough? Stay away from my dog, will you? My Land Rover is not navy blue but rather midnight blue and its not a land rover, its an escalade...so there!

Atomic...whatever the hell your name is...get my assistant over here, will you? Tell her to change my gym menbership and renew the tabs on my liscence plates. And have her get my check book. I've got an old score to settle.

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