Outta-Towners Gyped Twelve Cents On Bread!  

AtomicArtist0 45M
5236 posts
8/26/2006 5:50 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2007 9:28 pm

Outta-Towners Gyped Twelve Cents On Bread!

While traveling to South Carolina for their daughter’s wedding, paranoid New England residents Fred and Stella James were “fucked sideways by shifty, greedy New Jersey grocery clerks” the upset couple told our reporters last Wednesday.

“We know that those people at the airport screw you when you make flight reservations, so we opted to take the couple days drive down to South Carolina to see our darling daughter get married to that uninspired hick she calls her boyfriend,” the Worchester area mother explained, “but little did we know we’d get gyped on the way by those cocksucking Jersey grocers. If we knew that was going to happen we would have never left the house.”

Tired and hungry from their long trek, The James’ decided that perhaps stopping to grab a bite to eat would cut some of the bickering tension building in the car. Pulling off of exit twelve in New Jersey they searched for a good place to eat but found only three Italian pizza places, a sushi bar, a fancy Greek restaurant, a Thai eatery, and an Indian restaurant that was highly recommended in the Zagat’s dining guide. “Those people put something in their food that give Fred and me wicked bad gas so we opted to instead buy our own groceries and eat at a rest stop someplace. At first we found a couple of grocery stores by the highway but as we know those big city folks are fast-talking shysters, we decided to drive off the beaten path for awhile until we were in the suburbs and pulled up to the Shop And Save there.” Then added, “Shop and save…yeah right! More like shop and get fucked up the ass!”

“Nothing seemed right when we walked in”, Fred chimed in “but we were weary and hungry so we decided to set our suspicions aside and order up some groceries for the road trip but in retrospect I can see now that we were gravely mistaken.” The couple reported that it seems every last employee in the place was watching them as they picked up twenty two specific items for purchase, most of them on sale. They said that they could tell the guy in the produce section was shifty by the way he said “good afternoon folks” and they knew that the man who sold them their lunchmeat at the deli counter was “in on it” as he was rubbing his hands like an Arab trader. Also they passed up an offer to try a free sample of cooked kielbasa on a toothpick. While the dear old lady endorsing the samples seemed nice enough, it was probably a calculated plot to give them the shits en route to the wedding.

“Our cashier looked like a slut with all that make-up,” Stella continued, “ but she was the only one open so we had no choice. She had shifty eyes and very fast fingers so I tried to watch her hands carefully as she was scanning our order but I suspected we were screwed once the bag boy tried to distract me with that paper or plastic routine. I looked up and told him plastic was fine but I knew that by the time my attention was back on the cashier the damage was already done. They had fucked us just as they wanted.”

The James’ paid the $59.66 total with cash as they didn’t want anyone in that store to know their credit card information or their names as what is required with writing checks. A half hour later they had pulled up to a rest stop and had began eating lunch at a picnic table. Seething with suspicion, they didn’t talk to each other while eating as they couldn’t shake the feeling that the sandwiches, chips, soda and fruit they were trying to choke down were tainted with corruption and greed.

For an hour and a half and nearly 100 miles of driving, the couple bickered as tensions ran high in their automobile. They couldn’t enjoy the scenery nor their book on tape they had brought as they couldn’t shake the image of the entire grocery store laughing at their misfortune after they had left. Finally Stella put on her reading glasses and got out her trusty red pen, reached around into the grocery bags on the back seat and carefully began comparing price tags on her purchased items against the receipt. All seemed to have checked out ok until she had gotten to the loaf of wonder bread where it was finally made clear exactly how she had been fucked hard without lube.

“They didn’t give us the sale price on the goddamned bread!” She shouted from her passenger seat, then continued. “They gyped us out of 12 cents. I friggin’ knew it, those cocksuckers! Oh, Fred, we’ve got to go back and give them a piece of our mind!”

“I tried to reason with her“, Fred added, “We ate some of the bread already and I told her it was only 12 cents and not to worry but she wouldn’t shut her goddamned piehole about it. If I wanted any sleep that night I knew I’d have no choice but to turn back.” Stella then stated that it wasn’t about the amount but rather the principle of it. “These shysters can’t bend people over the counter and fuck us just because they see that we pull up in a clean Lincoln Continental with Massachusetts plates. They’re probably laughing at us now, the bitches!”

By this point already in Delaware, they filled their Lincoln with $24 in gas and began the long trek back to the small New Jersey grocery store that fucked them good. With traffic, the journey back took longer than expected and by the time they had returned to the scene of their gross injustice the place was already closed. “They took our money and ran with it! They’re probably celebrating with booze or crack or whatever they’re spending our grocery money on. Goddamnit!”

Hurt, dejected, upset, tired and with their assholes throbbing from the deep dicking they received hours earlier, they returned through familiar territory again heading South on the New Jersey Turnpike. They added all residents of New Jersey to the long list of cohorts who are in on the vast conspiracy to make their lives a living hell. The list includes, but is not limited to the phone company, the IRS, their town’s health and safety commissioner, the guy who installed their water heater, all Chinese people, their son’s karate instructor, their neighbors, the Puerto Ricans at the garage who service their car, their mailman, and that braless dyke who works at Dunkin Donuts. Exhausted and fed up with driving, they knew that somewhere on the road ahead, probably in Maryland or Virginia someplace, some shifty hotel manager will probably end up screwing them out a couple of bucks on a shitty little room with a neon sign glaring outside.

At the time of publication the Jersey grocers were not available for comment as it was presumed that they were sucking each other’s dicks in celebration of their victory for ripping off the outta-towners in the Lincoln Continental.

Even though she is a fast talking New Jersey shyster, I’d like to give special thanks to MissAnnThrope for providing this perfect accompanying photo of our disenchanted couple. Just stay away from my wallet, you hear? I’m onto you people!


catseyes23 61F

8/26/2006 7:03 pm

All seemed to have checked out ok until she had gotten to the loaf of wonder bread where it was finally made clear exactly how she had been fucked hard without lube.

"They didn’t give us the sale price on the goddamned bread!" She shouted from her passenger seat, then continued. "They gyped us out of 12 cents. I friggin’ knew it, those cocksuckers! Oh, Fred, we’ve got to go back and give them a piece of our mind!"

"I tried to reason with her", Fred added, "We ate some of the bread already and I told her it was only 12 cents and not to worry but she wouldn’t shut her goddamned piehole about it. If I wanted any sleep that night I knew I’d have no choice but to turn back."


Geez, I was laughing all the way to the end but this part about being cheated out of 12 cents for a loaf of wonderbread and that picture of them both keeps me coming back to this particular scene. I can just picture them as if I were there! Hilarious.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/27/2006 12:00 pm:
yes, the pic is great. I forgot to write in that that pic was taken at their daughter's wedding. They're trying to smile but they are still seething with underlying hate and suspicion. MissAnn did well in finding the pic for me. When I described the story to her she was able to come up with that couple. Its a priceless photo.

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
8/26/2006 7:43 pm

I don't know what's the matter with me tonight. But I had to read this twice just to get into it. I guess I'm tired...because the second time through this I laughed myself silly.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/27/2006 12:08 pm:
I can see how initially you'd think this as a serious post, especially if you are not quite familiar with my writing style. But when you add the value of their "gross injustice" plus all the time, money, and energy used to "remedy" the situation and factor in the clues that this is normal behavior for them then therein lies the humor. Thanks for stopping by.

WaterBabyRocks 58M

8/26/2006 10:30 pm

Oh man, this is just too funny for words. I will never eat another slice of bread without thinking of this grand piece of work.


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/27/2006 12:21 pm:
sadly as the humor doesn't fall to far from the tree on this one, there are a lot of things I can't see and hear without thinking of similar behavior to this. glad you enjoyed it, my man.

rm_AnOddGirl 57F
3469 posts
8/27/2006 12:40 am

OMG... It really is hard to imagine there are people like this! My gran was the best penny pincher I know and had a checking balance of 20K when she died! (WTF keeps 20K in their checking account!!!!)


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/27/2006 12:29 pm:
well, when you consider that they spent $24 on gas to remedy their little 12 cent problem, they're not penny pinchers per se...but rather extremely untrusting and prone to blowing every little situation WAY out of proportion. And yes, people like this do exist. Sadly, they happen to be very close to my heart.

Nina_Dee 61F

8/27/2006 2:01 am

Oh my, don't you just love it? How I would have liked to be a fly on the wall as they say but in this case a backseat passenger. All that bickering over a loaf of bread, too!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/27/2006 12:36 pm:
Sadly the humor doesn't fall too far from the tree here. While names, people, places, pictures, and events are all fabricated, the extreme untrust, the bickering and blowing small situations WAY out of proportion are not. Lets just say I was that backseat passenger for most of my life and its not as glamourous as it may seem. Still, you're right...it is pretty funny.

cuteNEway 41F

8/27/2006 6:05 am

12 cents...you are so wrong!!!

Love the picture!

I can just see them "seething with suspicion"


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/27/2006 12:37 pm:
yep...missann did well in picking that one out for me when I described the story to her. The pic is just priceless. They are just seeting with suspicion even though they are trying to smile.

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
8/27/2006 3:06 pm

This was excellent but I forgot to laugh (WAY too many people who are frighteningly like this)


Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/28/2006 6:56 pm:
yes...I know people like this very well. lets just say too well.

OboesHonedIambs 62F

8/27/2006 3:27 pm

Man you aught to be getting paid $$$ for this stuff! Seriously.

Instant Human -- Just Add Coffee


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/28/2006 6:57 pm:
you mean paid as in 12 cents?

keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
8/27/2006 6:04 pm

Talk about your conspiracy theorists. I wonder what their take is on the JFK assassination?


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/28/2006 6:58 pm:
I don't know...I'll ask my parents...oooppps! did I say that out loud?

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
8/27/2006 8:34 pm

Too bad they didn't hit my local supermarket. Heh heh heh...


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/28/2006 6:59 pm:
and why is that? whould they have been ripped off even more? btw, thanks for being a good sport.

rm_arvada2007 47F
13 posts
8/28/2006 3:29 pm

Bless your heart for reminding me to get a book on tape for the family road trip next month...it is THE ONLY WAY to get my Mom to shut up in a car! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/28/2006 7:00 pm:
traveling with family and need a book on tape? might I suggest "Flowers in the Attic"?

rm_wellread38 56F

8/28/2006 4:54 pm

OMG...we must be related! That is so my aunt! This post touched me more than most because I spent my growing up years in the family grocery store and now am in customer service with the Postal Service. The stories I could tell if I considered myself a writer!

Yup...that real life stuff including the dysfunctional family bonding time is so very real and oh so entertaining.

A very fun and creative post indeed!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/28/2006 7:05 pm:
yep...if your aunt is my mom then we are related. I sat in the backseat through much paranoid bickering just like this. Dysfunction at its fullest...foul language and all. thanks for stopping by and come back anytime.

multitasksextoy 58M  
3511 posts
8/28/2006 11:53 pm

Unfortunately as funny as this is their are people out there like your couple!!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/29/2006 12:31 pm:
yes, I know. they're very much like a couple very close to my heart. The humor doesn't fall too far from the tree here.

waerlookin4fun 50M/46F

8/29/2006 2:10 am

I always knew from the first time I read you guys that you were nuts, lmao..........I'm goin to sleep


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/29/2006 12:35 pm:
yep...nutty as a fruitcake!

rm_kelli4u2dew 41F
5220 posts
8/29/2006 5:28 pm

Don'tcha just hate it when that happens? It sounds so good in your head, and then when you finish it, you didn't pull it off. It just ain't that funny, and you end up explaining it to people. My deepest sympathies, and better luck next time. {=}




AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/29/2006 6:08 pm:
no? it seems everyone thought it was a hoot...but we all know somebody just like this so they can all relate. So its funny but all too true.

skyking412004 53M
5363 posts
8/30/2006 1:00 pm

_____I love that picture...her with "big" hair, him with none. /// Too bad they were on their way to their daughters wedding, otherwise they could have gotten a room and given the store their two (I mean twelve) cents worth the next day. /// I just went to a Worlds of Fun amusement park. The only thing I bought to eat or drink was cotton candy because it was the only thing that was not grossly overpriced. Would you believe twenty five cents?


AtomicArtist0 replies on 8/30/2006 8:41 pm:
you were just hoping they'd get a room with you. And you went to an amusement park and all you could afford was cheap cotton candy? damn! I would have a least shelled out for a donut or hot dog.

smackyman 45M
3843 posts
9/30/2006 8:18 am

And here I was thinking that you only get fucked at the drive through!

Brilliant!


AtomicArtist0 replies on 9/30/2006 10:06 pm:
yeah. they screw ya everywhere if you believe they will. thanks, dude.

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