I'm A Big Shot Now...And It's All Craptoast's Fault  

AtomicArtist0 45M
5236 posts
3/4/2006 6:22 pm

Last Read:
7/30/2006 9:45 pm

I'm A Big Shot Now...And It's All Craptoast's Fault

My becoming a big shot has nothing to do with me guessing all of the cool and eclectic tunes on craptoast’s competition. I’ll never be able to do that. But check him out anyway, as he is one cool and soulful dude. He made me a big shot indirectly, but its still worth a post. Here’s the story of how it happened.

I figured I’d give ‘toast’s competition a try as I heard he has great taste in music. I asked for the super secret decoder ring that would let me download his songs, and sure enough a short time later, my admittance into the secret society had been confirmed. Being accepted into secret societies had happened before. I’ll get to that later. Anyway, I began to download the first song, but with my dial up it was taking fifteen or twenty minutes and with nineteen more songs to go, this was going to be one lengthy and tedious affair. Then I got the bright idea to pack up my lappy and head on over to starbucks for some of their sweet, sweet wireless. I also ordered a venti vanilla latte so that The Stabucks Man wouldn’t drop the hammer down on me for loitering. I also liked saying the name…venti vanilla latte.

With the venti vanilla latte in hand and keen anticipation in my heart, I sat down and turned on my lappy in a location other than my kitchen table. My usual background image of a fifty-something merc custom came up reminding me that even though I was in a new location, this was still my computer. The car has been severely chopped, channeled and lowered and is yellow with red flames and oldschool whitewalls. Not only does it remind me that this is my computer, but it reminds me of how cool I am. Not that I own this car or any for that matter, but it lets me know that I’m really good at downloading other people’s cool pictures.

So I ventured into the areas of my lappy where I seldom tread, that being the wireless section. I clicked on it, and low and behold there was the starbucks wireless server. I clicked on that, too. It started thinking. I was almost there. Then it informed me that their wireless service would cost $29.95 a month or $6 per hour. Those son of a bitches! Those corporate dogs! Suddenly their wireless and their venti vanilla latte didn’t seem so sweet anymore. I’ve never paid for internet before and wasn’t about to start now, so I ventured to see what other unsecured wireless servers were nearby. There weren’t many unsecured and the ones that were had weak signals. I tweaked a bunch of settings and clicked in a bunch of places I would never understand but to no avail. I was rejected by my own computer in a location other than my kitchen table. I wasn’t a big shot at all. What a fucking loser I am. This, however would be a good place to explain my admittance into secret societies. The Secret Societies Of Getting Things For Free Through Nefarious Means.

For about a year, I was a petite Indian woman from Dubai, according to my bus pass. It got me everywhere I wanted to go so long as no one looked carefully at the foreign sounding name and the pretty brown skinned girl smiling in the picture. I never stole this bus pass from her, she had a spare for some reason and just gave it to me. Now I have a different bus pass and until it expires at the end of this month, I am a Muslim woman with a head wrap. What is it with me and women from the Middle East and bus passes? I found this one on the ground and she is not smiling at all. Its like she knows…you’ve found my bus pass and you’re using it, you bitch! A curse on you! Sorry, Sohalia. I don’t know you and I don’t know where to return this to you. You’re the one who lost it after all. I’ll do the honorable thing and disuse it when it expires at the end of this month. Ok, sweetie, baby doll? How about a kiss?

One time I was at a grocery store buying…you guessed it…groceries. No surprise there. What was surprising was that the cashier placed a can of corn I bought right into the bag without even ringing it up first. She didn’t pass it through the scanner or anything. She even winked and shot me a discreet little smile when she did it. I was a big shot, just like in the movies, and was heading out the door with my grocery bags in hand. Inside were twenty-three separate items, one sans payment. All eyes in the store were on me as if they knew the score. They wanted what I had, which was my free corn. Then a different thought hit me. What if she planted that just so the alarm will go off and the feds would gun me down outside like a rabid dog for sure. What then? Just act calm and cool. Don’t let them know they’re onto you. Pretend you know nothing. Through the threshold I went and no alarm. My admittance into the secret society had been confirmed. The Secret Society Who Doesn’t Have To Pay For Canned Vegetables. The cashier was cute. I think she wanted me.

So back to my original story. The one about starbucks and how craptoast’s music turned me into a big shot. Dejected, I went back home with my lappy in tow. I’ve been fucked hard by the Starbucks Man and they were all getting a good chuckle about how I didn’t get anything off of them for free. They can shove their venti vanilla latte up their ass for all I cared. I was back at my kitchen table, back in familiar surroundings. I was about to unhook my phone and hook the line into my lappy when, on a hunch, I decided to see what unsecured wireless networks are nearby. It was the usual gang of secured internet users. Smart folks, apparently. But there was one new one sitting there that was never there previously. It was unsecured and had a strong signal. It said…come on in, boy.

Maybe all the fiddling I did at starbucks opened up new networks. I clicked on it and sure enough, I was on the net and faster than ever before. There was my yahoo list. There were all of craptoast’s songs. I clicked on the second track and it loaded and played instantly. Same with the third and the fourth. Cool, groovy, stuff, man! Wow! I was baffled by both the music and the world of possibilities that just opened up to me. I imagined that I would never miss a call again. And now people don’t have to throw small rocks at my window to get my attention as my buzzer outside is also attached to my phone. Now they just throw bigger rocks. By this point, I was getting cocky. I could listen to toast’s music, check my email and google myself silly all at the same time. Without crashing, even. I’m a big shot, now just like in the movies. My admittance into the secret society had been confirmed. The Secret Society Of Craptoast’s Music. Then something happened that had never happened while surfing the net. The phone rang.

Oh, Christ, They’re onto me!

Come out with your hands up! We have a SWAT team outside. We know what you’re doing in there. Come out and bring your bus pass and that can of corn with you. And put some pants on, for Christ’s sake!

The phone rang again. They weren’t going to take me down alive. I was going to fight to the end. They weren’t going to take my stuff. Not my bus bass, my can of corn, my lappy or ‘toast’s music. I had a plan. I was going to answer the phone in a very casual voice as if nothing was wrong…as if I wasn’t onto them. Then I was going to hook up a pre-recorded spiel of me negotiating with them created for exactly when an incident like this would occur. Then I’d sneak out the back door and either slip away quietly into the night or go down fighting into a hail of bullets and glory. It was the only way.

The phone rang a third time. I picked it up. “Yellow”, I said. It was nice and casual. No one who answers a phone like that is ever up to no good. It would throw them off for sure. I’m such a diabolical fiend. But luckily, it wasn’t the feds at all. It was just a friend. She had a friendly voice. I told her that I was awesome for being able to listen to ‘toast’s music, check my email, and maybe search for some porn, and talk on the phone to her all at the same time. She agreed that that was awesome of me. I was awesome, ‘toast’s music was awesome, I was on the phone with some cutie and all was right with the world. Until some outback Nazi law enforcement agency drops the hammer down on my good time, I will sit here at my kitchen table with my bus pass, my can of corn and my free internet. My admittance into the secret society has been confirmed. Now if only I can figure out all the artists on ‘toast’s competition.

saddletrampsk 54F

3/4/2006 7:34 pm

you sly dirty dawg..

rm_art_persists 52M
1789 posts
3/4/2006 7:48 pm

I'm in with you, I always get free jalapenos at my local grocery haunt. My daughter has us both beat though BTW I have yet to download slightly-browned turd's music.

ediesedgewick 57F

3/5/2006 7:34 am

She gave you a free can of corn?? Did you ask her out?

I, myself, would be too afraid to use the bus passes for fear that the cranky driver would hairy eyeball me one day, rip the pass from my hand and then berate me in front of the bus crowd. Then I wouldn't be able to ride the bus again. Well, at least for a week.

skyking412004 53M
5363 posts
3/5/2006 8:44 am

_____Venti vanilla latte? Pansy. Paranoid delusions of granduer. Just because you think you're paranoid doesn't necessarily mean their not out to get you. So...how do you get free dial up?

TTigerAtty 62M

3/5/2006 5:12 pm

Free wireless internet connections are great! In my hometown, I've located and used them at several McD's, a Panera Bread place, a Burger King, a McIntosh's restaurant, a Drury hotel restaurant, a Buffalo Wild Wings sport bar, two local coffee shops (and one also serves wine) and a fitness center. I understand our local Starbucks offers wireless network connectivity but at a price. I plan to test that some day by walking in to their coffee counter proposing to purchase one of their expensive coffee drinks but only IF I can access their network free of charge. If I am declined, I will pack up my notebook computer, inform them of all my alternative locations, and boycott their over-priced coffee. I love getting something for FREE!

rm_Kissmystuff 61F
1435 posts
3/5/2006 6:52 pm

Little did you know...it's all a plot to hook you into the Matrix!!! You're now another cog in the wheel...a notch in the post...a dle...in the spindle. Yes...you're now a part of that "Secret Society"...that serves the machines! Welcome to the interconnected web of the internet! BLAH...HA..HA..HA..HA..HA



AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
3/5/2006 9:42 pm

saddle...yeah, I am a dirty dog, aren't I?

free jalapenos? your colon must be burning up. You should download toasts music.

tipadee...you know you love corn, babe. Its not like you digest it or anything. it always comes out looking the same.

edie...nope, i didn't ask her out. those bus drivers ssure do like to yell, don't they? But, you know why I use bus passes formerly belonging to middle eastern women? I live for the public humiliation.

skyking...yep, I'm a pansy and I'm paranoid. here is two ways to get dial up for free. 1. get one of those free AOL disks, that are more populous than roaches. load it and sign up for your free month. On exactly the day before you're supposed to be billed, call them to cancel. It has to be before the billing date, otherwise you get a bill, so mark your calender. Its actual days so be wary of months that have 31 or 28 days. When you call to cancel, they will ask if you liked the service. tell them yes, but you still want to cancel to try out another internet server. They will ask you if you tried a particular feature. Tell them no...even if you have. They will string you anong for another month for free. I did this for 5 and a half years without paying a dime for internet. 2. another way is to log onto nochargedotcom. the user is guest and the password is password. There is no pop ups and no ads and no filters and I never have to call. Thats what I am on now, but i think it may only work for seattle area.

tiger...with you getting free wireless everywhere you go, I don't feel like such a bad ass degenerate renegade anymore. And I though I had a good thing going. Sheesh, I may as well just shop at the gap and vote republican, now!

kiss...serve the machine? But i worked so hard to stay off the grid...now I'm serving the machine?

biggirlz...never get anything for free, eh? Its a skill that some of us can acquire. see comment to skyking for free dial up.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
3/6/2006 11:20 pm

sil...oh, you know...some friendly...voice...probably a telemarketer or...something.

dysgyzed...erotic stories on the net. 20 mins of some *HOT* amature porn...all free...oh, and pics too...are you shamelessly plugging yer blog? You are, aren't you? Who's plugging her blog? Who's plugging da blog? Who da blog? coochy coochy coo, look at the cute wittle blog? wook at da bwog? coochy coo...ok, I'll stop now. Thanks for checking me out.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
3/7/2006 7:06 pm

Dysintery...nah, not Siberia, but Seattle. may as well be Siberia.

mmmmmmmm....sweet, sweet coochy coo

craptoast 39M

3/7/2006 7:08 pm

i pooped my pants

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
3/8/2006 11:07 pm

toast...you and me both.

havenbliss 43F

3/9/2006 2:32 pm

There is a nice little coffee shop just up the street that has free internet on the weekends, You should check it out. I believe off of "D" and you have walked past it a dozen times. Granted those dozen times you were piss faced drunk from Jai Thai!

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