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Fashion Tips For Drooling Dorks
Fashion Tips For Drooling Dorks
I never knew the Reniassance had so many pairs of glasses. Visit any renfair (not that I have...not me, the King of Cool)and you find many folks dressed in elaborate period costumes...leather mug makers in chain mail, reubenesque maidens with their ample bosoms heaving over the top of their corsets and mulleted knights compairing the sizes of their unsheathed swords. However, it seems all dungeon masters, elves, dragon slayers, beer wenches, hobbits, wizards, sword smiths, princesses, trolls, and orcs alike have equally poor eyesight. Couldn't thou have left thy bi-focals at home, man? They just don't go with the puffy pirate shirt, the grape-smuggling tights, and the fake midieval accent. I could be mistaken, but I don't think Sir Lancelot had on military issue birth control glasses while slaying dragons in the 15th century. He probably just dealt with his near-sightedness and squinted a lot. I don't think your fave characters from Lord of the Rings had on glasses either...not Frodo, not Samwise, not Liv Tyler, nor that scary, skinny, little imp-thing. What was that short, fat dwarf's name? Chode?
Anyway, everyone knows a girl loves a man in uniform. Unfortunately you find out the hard way at TrekCon IV that that doesn't include your Star Trek uniform. Next time for TrekCon V, take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror before your grand entrance, after all, this is the most important event of the year for you and you want to look your best. To you, this is as important as the Oscars are to cool, beautiful people and we all know what a red carpet fashion faux pas does for them. Do you think your favorite character had his hairy belly hanging out the bottom of his Star trek uniform? Now, granted, in spite of your hopes and dreams of being a part of it all someday, on tv they tend to prefer lean, good looking actors to squeeze into those tight uniforms over the likes of you. So, whats a part-time comic book store employee to do? Cutting back on those peanut m&m's and a million sit-ups over time could help you fit into a form-fitting costume, but seriously, who has that kind of time and dedication when your fantasy space role-playing group meets every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday? I know you're 35 and all, but just have your mom make you a slightly larger uniform to fit your rotund frame. After all, shes just right upstairs. Plus, you're missing a Spock ear. It really makes a Star Trek convention extra lame when you count up the Spock ears you see and come up with an odd number. Not that I would know, what with me being cool and all.)So go back to the costume shop and shell out another $3.29 for a new pair of fake, pointy ears. It'll make you look and feel better when sauntering across the sci-fi catwalk at the next convention.
So, you've stayed up for three nights in a row watching clips of your fave Star Trek episodes trying to get your Borg costume just right, yet you still didn't win the Best Costume award nor the Star Trek commemorative plates. Gosh, aren't you feeling like a big loser! What went wrong? You've worked so hard at getting the details just right...you've got your black rubber suit with all the clamps, dials, and doodads, you have your silver make-up, and you have a Borg's signature blank stare down to an exact science (althought the girls at the mall can attest, you don't have to work hard to get that creepy blank stare down pat...and furthermore you've even built a cool device with the help of your friend at Radio Shack to make your voice sound all deadpan and robotic. Seriously, man, even the most popular jock at your former high school would have been impressed with that one...that was nothing short of genius! Yet, you still go home a loser without the companionship of that saucy (if not slightly dumpy) 7of9 impersonator you've been meaning to ask out. Well, to get to the core of your problem, lets take a look at the winners. There was a truely feirce looking Klingon and a totally hot Councellor Troi who took home nice prizes and the awe and admiration of their fellow geeks. So, what did they have that you didn't? Attention to detail, dude. Maybe the other guy won because he had a huge Klingon cock and maybe the girl won because she had a smokin' fine body for someone who works at Walden Books, but either way they took their attention to detail to a higher level than you did. If you would have taken a good, critical look in the mirror first, you would have seen what helped you lose sight of the prize. It all comes down to the glasses, my skinny, hunch-backed friend. The glasses. Not just glasses, but thick, taped-up $59 rejects from Lens Crafters. Could you have left those at home? Johnny Depp and James Hetfield has proven that glasses can look really cool, but your are a fashion nightmare. If your vision is so bad, couldn't you have gotten creepy, yellow prescription contacts and gone as Darth Maul? If contacts are not your thing, couldn't you have maybe taken a fram air filter, cut it in half and put it over your glasses and gone as Jordi LeForge? If you're too myopic for contacts, coulsn't you have worn a large mask that could have gone over your glasses? Surely there should be some creature in the Star trek universe with a giant scary head. And lose the white sneakers. Seriously, what self respecting Borg would be caught dean in a pair of Converse All-Stars? Don't you think they would have worn something a little more spacey...like Gene Simmons Kiss boots or something? I know that was overlooked by you as something unimportant, but the judges didn't overlook these little details nor did your fellow geeks as they threw tribbles and Spock ears as they booed you off the stage. Knocking the plus sized judge off her rascal scooter probably didn't help your situation, either.
You can't help being who you are...a raging, drooling dork, but you can look good while doing it by just following a few fashion tips from me, The King of Cool. I've never left the house in a Captain Kirk uniform, but if you are absolutely compelled to do that, why not pay attention to the little details. Do you think JeanLuc Pecard had mustard stains on his uniform? Do you think any self-respecting Vulcan would leave his fly unzipped? You have a Masters Degree in Mythology, so you are smart enough to know that a mouth breather doesn't look intelligent, so keep that pie hole shut and breath through your nose for once...unless, of course, you go to the sci-fi con as Darth Vader, then by all means take advantage of your sinus condition. The sci-fi and fantasy geek community welcomes all body types so use that to your advantage. Perhaps you are shaped more like Baron Harkkonen than Boba Fett...think about that before you try to cram 10lbs into a 5lb bag...or in your case, 245lbs into a meduim sized elf costume. If you're under 5ft9, don't even think of getting into a Chewbacca costume lest someone may mistake you for an Ewok. If your disguise is that of a maiden fair, then girlfriend, lose the taped-up glasses. You'll be glad you did.
I'm ready for all you geeks out there to either thank me for the fashion tips, add more of your own, or criticize my unyeilding fashion sense. I'm up for anything, so comment away...I'll be here, awaiting your responses. I'm outta here.
9/22/2005 3:29 pm
Hmmm.. I almost won a costume contest at a Sci-fi convention once. Only i didn't enter into the contest. (One of the judges begged me to enter... i was ... well, a cat. lol. and she loved my nose). |
And glasses ARE period... I've not done the research myself (yet) but... they've been around since around 1280/1305. Of course, they were quite different then than now
Um... not that i'm a nerd or geek or anything.... (i'm just wierd).