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Do Your Taxes...And Become A Rich Big Shot Just Like Me
Do Your Taxes...And Become A Rich Big Shot Just Like Me
I’m finding out that being voted Blogland’s funniest male entails a lot more responsibility than I ever thought. For example it makes for some very complex tax returns. Sometimes a guy just has to suck it up and seek professional help. This year, I was hurting for some scratch and needed to maximize my refund potential, so I did the most sensible thing I could.
I downed three bottles of cheap wine and hunkered down and did my own taxes. After all, they are due today and there’s no time like the present. The key to maximizing your refund is to just claim everything whether its true or not.
Married? Don’t want them thinking I’m a single loser, better write down yes…to a hot Russian mail order bride.
Head of household? Yes…after all, I do give the orders around here which makes me pretty awesome.
Qualifying widower? Yes, even though I was later acquitted.
Dependants? This is where I write down the few bugs and spiders that are probably holed up in my walls, eating my food at night, the guy who sleeps behind Krispy Kreme, the three Chinese babies I probably adopted off the black market, my blog guest writers, the couple of voices in my head that tell me to burn stuff, and some of you. (After all, you have grown to become dependant on reading this crap every few days.)
So, that was filing status and exemptions. Looking good do far, and now for income.
Question 7: wages, salaries, tips, etc. They say to round up…$850,000. A nice round figure, I think.
8a. Taxable interest: A shitload. 8b tax-exempt interest: Bite me!
9. Ordinary dividends?…Yes, whatever that is.
10 and 11. Taxable refunds and alimony received?…I was married to Britney Spears for like 45 minutes, so shitloads.
12. Business income (attach schedule C)…Certified Crass Astrologer and Bikini Waxer. $120,000. (it was a slow year)
13. Capitol gains or losses?…(between all the blood money, hush money, bribe money, and dirty money, I’m surprised I have any money left over for sex.)
14. Other gains or losses?…I lost 12lbs. Recently. Better write that down.
15. IRA distributions? …Yes
16. Pensions and annuities? …Um, ok.
17. Rental real estate, royalties and partnerships? Does this have anything to do with the pyramid scheme I got roped into? I’ll write down yes just to be safe.
18. Farm income?…Fuck yeah!
19. Unemployment compensation?…Bitch better have my money!
20. Social security benefits?…can I get this for having sex with a senior citizen? Pencil me in for that!
21. Other income? I probably shouldn’t tell them about the boy scout prostitution ring. Better leave this one blank. It’ll be our little secret, every one in Blogland. Teehee.
22. Add the shit up, dawg…this probably involves advanced rocket math. Better take off my socks so I can count my toes as well as fingers.
So that was income. Looking great so far. Now for Adjusted Gross Income. This is where the magic happens. This section boosts your refund, so pay attention.
23. Educator expenses?…I am a smart motherfucker. Surely I’ve taught somebody something. Better write down $1, 250, 000.
24. Certain business expenses for reservists, performing artists, and fee-basis government officials….hmmmm this is a tough one. But I am a researcher, performing artist and free-baser…better write down all my midget porn as a business expense. $725,000.
25. Health savings account deduction?…Do I have a health savings account? Better deduct it anyway, just to be safe. $455,000.
26. Moving expenses?…sometimes it’s a bitch just to get off the couch. Better write a high amount for that. $2,230,000.
27. One-half of self employment tax. Why not the whole thing?
28. SEP, SIMPLE and qualified plans?…Fuck! Taxes are hard!
29. Self-Employed health insurance deduction…One time after a shouting match with my boss I became Self-Unemployed. Hah! I’ve always wanted to use that joke somewhere! I can’t believe how funny I am!
30. Penalty on early withdrawal?…It sucks when that happens. I become so embarrassed. The girl always storms off unsatisfied because I blow my wad too soon. I really should jerk off before a date.
31. Alimony paid?…to my baby mamma.
32. IRA deductions?…a shitload.
33. Student loan interest deduction?…Christ, I’ll be paying these off until the days when I’m leaving my dentures by the bedside at night and having a proper bowel movement becomes a miracle. I better score big on this one…lets just say $4,350,000.
34-35. Tuition Deduction and Domestic Production Activities Deduction?…What the fuck am I, a genius? It does say deduction, so I may as well write down $260,000.
36. Add lines 23-35, you dumbass.
37. Then subtract some other shit and this is your Adjusted Gross Income, Playa!
Alright, now onto tax and credits. Still with me, bitches?
39a Were you and your spouse born before January 2, 1941?…hell, yes! Are you both blind? Fucking-A right we are! I don’t know what any of this means, but I think this could get some sympathy money.
40-46. Lots of math here. Itemized deductions taxable income, minimum alternative tax. I think I blacked out through most of this section.
47. Foreign tax credit? Si senor!
48. Credit for child and dependant care expenses? Here lies my meal ticket.
49. Credit for Elderly or Disabled? You kids and your crazy rock and roll! Go to hell!
50. Education credits? Fuck yeah!…After all, I probably am smarter than you.
51. Retirement savings contribution credits?…I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!
52-53. Child tax credit and adoption credit?…this is where the black market Chinese babies score me big. Me love you kids long time.
54-55. Credits from Form 8396, Form 8859, Form 3800, and form 8801?…What am I a fucking astronaught? I don’t know what any of that shit means.
56-57. Add up some shit…then subtract some other shit. Then onto your Other Taxes and Payments.
Questions 58-71 are just a blur to me. I think this is where I was blasting my neighbor with a hose while in a drunken rage. Either that or this is the part that I entered and won a pie eating contest. I’m just not too sure either way.
Finally, scribble your John Hancock on the bottom. I like to draw little flowers and happy faces next to my name like a little girl. Give that shit a date of about a month before so they don’t think you’re a slacker filing your taxes at the last minute and then write down your occupation. I told them I was a photographer for Playboy so that they think I’m cool.
You become less likely to be audited if you also have the signature of a paid preparer. That lets them know some egghead with an MBA checked out everything for you and approves of your work. I had to think of someone important sounding. I scrawled down Robert P. Kimball III, CEO of Kimball’s Soup, INC. Perfect! I’m a genius!
Lastly, stuff that shit in an envelope along with your W-2’s (or write your W-2 info on a napkin) I also included a printed up video still of Pamela and Tommy Lee having sex that I printed off the net cuz…you know…guys are guys, right? The finishing touch is the stamp. Some insider info here…one of them love stamps will surely get you audited. Nothing says “I’m a true patriot” like an American flag stamp. I put it on upside-down. This is a code to let them know I’m onto their shenanigans but I won’t report them to The Russian Mafia. One hand washes the other, if you catch my drift.
If I’ve calculated everything correctly, I should be looking at…
A MILLION DOLLAR REFUND!!!….I’M AWESOME!!!!
So this is how you get drunk, do your taxes, and become a millionaire big shot just like me. Don’t say I never taught you anything. Try it yourself…then sit back and wait for the refund check to roll in.
4/15/2006 2:37 pm
uhhh...AA I think there is a jet out for Brazil leaving in an hour...|
either that or you had better waylay that postman and get that enevelope back.
you are so crazy.. maybe they will die laughing when the computer spits out your return. Good Luck baby !!
and btw... dont drink any more of that cheap ass wine!!
4/15/2006 6:10 pm
HEY that's MY tee hee!!!! lol oh and thanks for the info...WAYYYY too late dammit! I did my taxes in February |
Yes I'm a goody goody...or was I just greedy for my $6,500 return (that I got legally by the way! tee hee)...
4/15/2006 7:31 pm
Good thing the envelope doesn't have to be post marked until Monday the 17th..you have time to do it right. |
4/15/2006 9:39 pm
I need info on Canadian tax dodging. I need Canadian swill to drink, Canadian forms, etc.... Payment will be one wet beaver|
4/15/2006 11:13 pm
Can you do my taxes for me next year?
4/16/2006 12:57 am
And I've been using a chartered accountant!damn|
4/16/2006 10:21 am
Will you come do mine? I will give you anything you want for doing them. Anything LMAO|
4/16/2006 2:02 pm
Hmmmm..... Can you write up some receipts for me? Say totaling millions? You see I lost all of 2005 receipts in a flood, who says I didn't spend that, buy this, donate some, I have till Aug 28th to file for state/fed, please contact me asap!|
5/1/2006 10:45 pm
_____I hope this wasn't as tedious to write as it was to read. I made it through though, thanks to an occasional gem, I.E., "self-unemployed, penalty for early withdrawal, Me love you long time.,add some shit, subtract some shit./////I don't think the feds would miss an occasional mil, here and there.|