Area Woman Thinks She Could Bag Johnny Depp  

AtomicArtist0 45M
5236 posts
2/11/2006 12:31 pm

Last Read:
3/22/2012 2:14 pm

Area Woman Thinks She Could Bag Johnny Depp

Area woman, Loraine Dumas, told reporters last Monday that she could totally bag Johnny Depp, if given the chance. "If I ever met him (Depp) at the local Value Village or the Main Street Wal-Mart where I buy my kid's diapers, I'd pinch his buns, for sure" she beamed, " I wouldn't even hold back none, either!"

The 32 year old Willow Acres trailer park resident had followed Depp's career with great interest ever since he played a sullen, doe-eyed teen on the 80's hit, 21 Jump Street. "I have all his memorabilia here," Loraine continued" This is the Edward Scissorhands figure that Todd McFarlane put out a few years back from his Spawn toys. This is the 48 oz. plastic cup I got from Burger King that has Johnny as Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. My girlfriend Claire said he looked like a scary fag with all that eyeliner on, but I really thought it was hot!" she mused.

When asked, out of all the gorgeous women on the planet Depp could choose from, what would make her stand out as someone the A-list Hollywood star would be interested in, Loraine stated that she may not be a supermodel, but she could spread her legs all the way to each side of the bed and that the women Depp is used to bedding down are probably stuck up snobs who are worried about smearing their make-up.

"Not me," she reflected, " I'd let him do me and I wouldn't even worry if my perm was stuck to my forehead from all the sweat or if I let my bladder go during our love making. I’m just down to earth like that. What's good about me", she continued" is that I have a pretty big uterus from my wild days during that year and a half I was in high school. So if he's as hung as I think he is, it shouldn't be a problem," she laughed, then added " plus, I pushed out four kids, so that helps."

“He doesn’t have to worry about knocking me up either what with the hysterectomy”, she added. “I’m just much too fertile, so after four kids in as many years, I got myself fixed, so he can fill me up to the gills with his spunk and not have to worry about anything.”, Loraine said while admiring and old issue of TV Guide with Depp on the cover. “Plus, my hubby Dave said that I give pretty good head because I got my front teeth knocked out when I crashed the civic through the plate glass window at Krispy Kreme.”, she reflected, touching her cheek. “The only thing fake about me are these false front teeth that I take out sometimes.”

“I already have it all planned out when I meet him,” Loraine continued. “I’m going to give him this pirate bear Beanie Baby because he has these cute little eyes that remind me of him when he was in Pirates of the Caribbean. I’m also going to give him this picture of me all dolled up in my gold stretch pants and nice sweater.”

While smiling at our reporter and holding back a tear, she added, “I’m sure when he finally meets me, he’ll see me for my inner beauty.”

Johnny Depp was not available for comment on the matter as he was filming on location in Belize.

saddletrampsk 54F

2/11/2006 1:41 pm could Johnny Depp resist her femine ways?

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
2/11/2006 1:56 pm

I can picture them at the Viper Room now.

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
2/11/2006 2:18 pm

Not if I get to him first!

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

JustaSeeker 105F

2/11/2006 2:56 pm

This is wrong, wrong,'s just so WRONG! It must be art.

caressmewell 53F

2/11/2006 2:59 pm


It's a good thing she has those gold stretch pants..she sounds rather "loose" after pushing out 4 kids in as many years...

OMG this was hilarious.

havenbliss 43F

2/11/2006 3:21 pm

I think I saw her last night on the was to the Blue Bistro. Wasn't that the one you stopped to say Hi to?

spinmedown 49M
3626 posts
2/11/2006 3:40 pm

See? That's why I want a gal just like the gal that married dear old dad. It's all about that inner beauty; but hopefully a tad less graphically explained.

At least she didn't mention having her tonsils out......

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


2/11/2006 5:17 pm


oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
2/11/2006 7:09 pm

Damn she sounded hot till she came to here gold pants. hate gold mants.

LMAO. Great post.

skyking412004 53M
5363 posts
2/11/2006 7:55 pm

_____Now, see. I knew this was fake because the reporter was interveiwing a thirty two year old woman who lived in a trailer park that was MARRIED, and was responsible enough to have a hysterectomy after having four kids. Other than that, I could have beleived it.
(Johnny Depp is still "A list"?)

rm_sandysnatch 50F
7 posts
2/11/2006 10:48 pm

she reminds me of a girl I knew in high school. trashy and productive. good thing I learned that no means no. although I do love the gold lame.

ArgosPlumyKooky 44F
3902 posts
2/11/2006 11:56 pm

seriously- i want the pants

silkysmoothlegs3 105F

2/12/2006 3:17 am

mmmmmmm now i wouldnt kick him outta bed

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
2/12/2006 11:26 am

saddle...I don't know how Johnny Depp could resist that...I mean...her front teeth can come out. How hot is that?

safira...I can picture that, too. I try not to, but I can.

Karma...dare you suffer the wrath of Loraine? She looks very serious...and she's not afraid to smash her car.

seeker...wrong? Wrong? Is it so wrong to want to love Johnny Depp?

caress...ROFLMAO? Did you just throw up? Or sneeze? gazeuntheit. (sp?) Yes, her gold lame' pants seems to be holding it all in.

haven...yep, you got me. Loraine and I had a brief but torrid affair. I just couldn't resist when she slapped her ass in front of me and it rippled in her tight pants like a shiny gold wave. Then she took her teeth out and smiled. My mind though about all the possiblilities. I was hooked. I couldn't get enough of her...but she kept reminding me that I'm no Johnny Depp. It hurts my heart when she tells me that. I'll never forget sweet Loraine.

spin...yes, my dad married a similar woman...chock full of inner beauty. I think Loraine strikes a chord with most of us that we are all imperfect and she reminds us of the razor sadness when your dreams are bigger than you could possibly obtain. She's soooo much like most of us and its a bit sad. Here's to inner beauty.

hot, bothered...when you're right, you're right. And you're right. might be alone in this one...everyone else seems to love the tight gold stretchpants.

skyking...I got me! You're always so good at calling it when I spin fiction. She's 32. In a trailer park and still married. She got fixed after only four kids. Only four! You're absolutlely right...nothing makes sense. I should have done my research. (slapping self on the head) STUPID! STUPID!! STUPID!!

sandysnatch...she reminds me of a lot of girls in high fact...all of them. I graduated high school at the end of the eighties and eveybody had hair just like Loraine...or bigger. Not to mention all the gold lame' pants.

snatchmatch...have you met sandysnatch. sandysnatch, meet snatchmatch. yes...the gold pants really make the woman. Everyone is loving the gold pants.

silkysmooth...If I can be so bold, I wouldn't kick you out of bed either...until you start eating crackers. I just don't like crumbs in my bed.

biggirlz...yep...skyking is right. Married at 32 and in a trailer park and fixed after only 4 kids...nothing makes sense. The woman in the pic however, really does exist. Her name is not Loraine and she's a lot more famous than I though when I stole her pic from online. I hope she doesn't sue. I get the impression she would have a good sense of humor about it...even though the keyword I used to find her was "frumpy".

mzhuny...get inline, sister! Johnny Depp is a busy man with a long line of beautiful women waiting to bed him down. Me, on the other hand...the line is not so long. You just might have to settle for me. Would that break your heart? I know...I'm no Johnny Depp. I wish Loraine would just accept me for who I am. (boohoo)

jakblack36 48M

2/12/2006 2:55 pm

It's un-fucking fair that Depp should be able to spread his seed in such a fine piece of T & A. Dave is one lucky fucker too.

8321 posts
2/12/2006 5:50 pm

Atomic has perfected this form of satire.....

People are actually buying it.


"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur

tillerbabe 55F

2/13/2006 1:14 am

God.. now I don't have a chance!

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
2/13/2006 2:04 am

Does she blog?

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

MrNuttz05 49M

2/13/2006 3:51 pm

All of this for J. Depp... Art, why don't you claim his identity for a day or two...

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
2/13/2006 9:08 pm want a piece of Loraine? Well, do ya? DO YA? OK, cool. She's hot, I know.'d be surprised how much of my bullshit people actually buy.

tillerbabe...don't be upset. Sure you have a chance. Just because she's gaga over Johnny Depp doens't mean a couple of glasses of wine won't turn her around., as far as I know, she doesn't have a blog on this site. Such a shame, really. know I'd love to claim Johnny Depp's identity, but you got to be really good at impersonations to bed down a woman as fine as Loraine...and I'm just not that good. Are you?

sil...a threesome with Johnny Depp? Did you mean you, Loraine, and Depp? Or how 'bout you me and Depp? Or maybe you, me, and Loraine? Or even me, Depp, and Loraine and you can be there to serve us drinks and change our towels. I'll have a Black Russian on the rocks.

havenbliss 43F

2/13/2006 10:41 pm

I don't know. I mean sure the pants are the key in her case and damn that bitch is fine with that big ass hair. But come on, I certainly don't believe she got herself fixed after 4 kids unless the DSHS office forced her to do it. I mean come on, wouldn't she want to bear the lovechild of Johnny Depp?

And as for her being on 21 jumpstreet as an extra I don't believe a word of it because 1) she would have been young, 2) I don't remember her being in the pregnant episode and 3) ummm she has no front teeth, like they would even have her as an extra.

It all comes down to jealousy. When I saw you say hello to that tart I just knew you once had a thing for her. Was it you who knocked out her teeth? Did you buy her another pair of those gold pants after she wore the others out from her thighs rubbing together? Did she like your violent nature or perhaps you wore the collar. Though somehow the dog should have been wearing it.... *"here lorraine"* *whistles loudly*

christylovesfun 43F  
16362 posts
3/23/2008 7:29 pm

OMG ... is that a pic of Leslie, the "gem" girl?

Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety. Other women cloy
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies. For vilest things
Become themselves in her, that the holy priests
Bless her when she is riggish. ~~ from Antony & Cleopatra

AtomicArtist0 replies on 3/23/2008 8:47 pm:
yes, Leslie Hall the Gem sweater girl...that was before I knew she was famous. I googled frumpy and she came up.

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