posts 5/1/2006 12:35 pm
10/22/2007 6:52 pm
Another Crass Horoscope, You Dumb, Ditsy Broads
There was a time a few months ago when every one of my brain cells were firing at full capacity thinking up new nasty horoscopes for all you dirty pervs. Nowadays, what with the increased exercise and snorting glue, my mind doesn’t work so much. It turns out that finding new ways to berate, disgust and humiliate you all every month is difficult work. Especially since I’m really a nice guy at heart. But it’s the first of the month and the show must go on. So that’s why this month some of your personal readings will be fresh and new while others will be recycled, used, worn out, old, spent trash…sort of like the prostitute you picked up this weekend. What…you think I don’t know about that? Anyway, It’ll be just fine. As many of my usual readers seemed to have gone the way of the dodo, you newbies won’t know the difference. As always, comment here for your own personal crass reading. You bitches.
Aries March 21-April 20 There’s just nothing better than a nice long soak in a hot tub. Thanks to your severe gastrointestinal disorder, the bubbles just keep coming even after you turn the jets off.
Taurus April 21-May 21 The strong, independent, macho facade you put up for your new loved one will all come crumbling down when you wet your pants and scream like a little bitch at the sight of a spider.
Gemini May 22-June 21 You'll be surprised next week by how much the inclusion of a cardboard refrigerator box will greatly improve your living situation.
Cancer June 22-July 23 Curiosity will get the best of you this week as you'll soon realize that once you've seen images of a girl taking a 26 foot long poo in a bowling ally by googling the act, you really can never unsee them.
Leo July 24-August 23 Maybe you’re conservative politically, but you’re an ultra-liberal in the cookie and snack isle.
Virgo August 24-September 23 Next week you'll add your barber, the guy who trims your hedges, all Belgians, and the bastards at the gas company to the list of folks who are all in cahoots in the vast conspiracy to hunt you down and kill you.
Libra September 24-October 23 The personal bane of your existence has been the fact that you have never been a very good artist. All that will soon change when you fall off the roof of a city skyscraper and create the largest and most beautifully elaborate splatter pattern even seen.
Scorpio October 24-November 22 What? You never seen a guy...you never seen a guy take a piss before? You're all a bunch of pathetic fucks!... I'll show you. I'll show all you motherfuckers!...Hey, this song's fucking awesome! Some people call me the space cowboy. Some people call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice...waaaawooow. What are you looking at? Bitches!
Sagittarius November 23-December 21 Its only after the rodents gnaw into your windpipe that you acknowledge that what you have is an infestation and not just a few occasional strays.
Capricorn December 22- January 20 Sure the population of that particular town is small, but it'll still prove overwhelming when every last resident of Homer, Alaska wishes you dead.
Aquarius January 21- February 19 A powerball drawing later this week will prove that, in fact, you and 55 million other people can be wrong.
Pisces February 20-March 20 You've never been gay, nor in the Navy, which makes it all the more ironic when, as events unfold this week, you'll be deemed "the gayest little sailor in the Navy".
5/1/2006 1:09 pm
Damn, I told you not to tell everyone about the bubbles...|
I'm in for my April Horoscope.
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 8:39 pm:|
April Horoscope? C'mon! I know some of these are recycled, but April was just last month. I'm not going to write about your big ass exceeding the weight limit of toilet seats again...but since you insist on me writing a horoscope about your ass, here is an oldy but goody that goes way back...and who knows, maybe this will solve your problem with the bubbles in the hot tub.
Personal Reading For caressmewell
Aries March 21-April 20One of Newton's Laws of Gravity states that "what goes up, must come down". Easier said than done. Try telling that to the banana you've had firmly lodged in your colon for the past week and a half.
posts5/1/2006 1:21 pm
~ peekz in again ~
was just passing through lewking 4 me dodo ....
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 8:57 pm:|
you're always so quiet and demure when you peek in here. Don't you want to be a crass jerk when you come in here like everyone else?
Here, I'll start...
personal reading For Goddessofthedawn
Virgo August 24-September 23This wouldn't be the first time you've woken up next to a midget, but as this one is dead, it may be a good opportunity to reflect on a very important lesson; Midgets are littler than we are. Use a lesser dose of chloroform for Christ's Sakes!
posts5/1/2006 1:26 pm
That's why I avoid bowling alleys.|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:02 pm:|
you avoid bowling allys, huh? Maybe you want to avoid this situation, also...
personal reading for 49AK
Cancer June 22-July 23A bout of drunkenness and depravity finds you waking up in a puddle of your own puke by the end of this weekend. Upon further inspection, you are appalled to learn that the puke is not your own after all.
5/1/2006 2:38 pm
Only 26 ft long? sheesh
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:05 pm:|
Only 26ft long? what, you think you can do better? here is a problem that both you and the girl who crapped a 26ft long turd know oh so well. Enjoy your...
personal reading for saddletrampsk
Cancer June 22-July 23You'll wake up with a jolt and the sudden disquieting notion that your photo has been used for currency and you have been the topic of many late night discussions in prisons nationwide.
posts5/1/2006 5:28 pm
Rodents... rodent's. Shit rodent's.|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:12 pm:|
rodents are the least of your problems when you have this to contend with...
personal reading for Artistictwist75
Sagittarius November 23-December 21Thanks to a new circle of friends, you will make the uncanny transformation over the next few weeks from the nice lady in accounts payable to the bad girl of German scat porn.
5/1/2006 6:59 pm
Or I can keep my money for the lottery ticket and still prove I'm right|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:20 pm:|
keep your money if you want...you'll still have this to think about...
personal reading for eroticaXTC
Aquarius January 21- February 19Feelings of rejection, despair, and shattered dreams this week leaves you flushing yet another clown wig down the toilet.
posts5/1/2006 8:31 pm
YES, cookies and snacks... my favs!|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:29 pm:|
so, you like cookies and snacks, huh? Then maybe you'll enjoy this as well...
personal reading for AnOddGirl
Leo July 24-August 23You’ll be deemed a hero when you stop masturbating just long enough to save that Mexican family from the combustible fuel oil explosion.
posts5/1/2006 10:18 pm
I'm here again for my Virgo reading...|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:34 pm:|
virgo, huh? then the stars and all their infinate wisdom have this for you...
personal reading for bucfannn
Virgo August 24-September 23This week marks the fourth time you've had to fake your own death and relocate; a feat that could have been avoided entirely if only you'd pay for cable.
5/1/2006 10:28 pm
I think I'll stay away from skyscrapers this month.|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:37 pm:|
yes, stay away from skyscrapers. Also stay away from this...
personal reading for looking4sex44240
Libra September 24-October 23Just when you thought you've puked up the last of your stomach contents, you didn't think the act was physically possible, but low and behold...up comes your shoes.
5/1/2006 11:20 pm
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:47 pm:|
smiley face, huh? well, here's something you can sort of be happy about...
personal reading for HOTNBOTHERED0414
Aries March 21-April 20As you take stock in your life and surroundings this week, you'll become relieved to learn that you don't seem to have the hardened, one-eyed squint of all the other carnival trash.
posts5/1/2006 11:25 pm
ok ok ...Just tell me if I won the $5 slots..|
Wipe that smug leer off your face..
I know I am addicted to you.
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:53 pm:|
addicted to me, huh? well, this is what your addiction and depravity will lead to...
personal reading for mm0206
Aquarius January 21- February 19You've landed a great new job as a Public Administrator. Congradulations to you! However, your pride in your new position dampens as you learn that the job doesn't involve giving enemas in front of huge crowds.
posts5/1/2006 11:42 pm
_____Eating greens does tend to give me gas. They're good for me, just not so good for anyone near me.|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 9:57 pm:|
I get the idea that nothing you do is good for anyone near you, including this...
personal reading for skyking412004
Aries March 21-April 20You'll be thrilled by having a new neighbor move in next door as evidenced by traces of your DNA found in the bushes outside her bedroom window.
5/2/2006 8:36 am
I'm a Scorpio and I'm in for my monthly horoscope. Make it good! A Powerball win would be nice. A night with Sharon Stone would be good. Something along those lines! |
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 10:07 pm:|
you know, I was going to save this one for next month...but since you asked for something having to do with powerball winnings, I'll give you this one. I think its pretty good. Sorry I can't help you with the Sharon Stone thing.
personal reading for TTigerAtty
Scorpio October 24-November 22Thanks to an amazing glitch in the Powerball counting system, this week’s drawing will generate an unprecedented, record breaking number of winners proving that you…and only you, will be wrong.
posts5/2/2006 9:19 am
So buying that Sailor Moon outfit is a good idea after all? |
The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 10:11 pm:|
buying a sailor Moon outfit is never a bad idea...this, however is.
Personal reading for PrincessKarma
Pisces February 20-March 20If you don't know what it is already, you'll find out quite graphicly what teabagging is at your friend's bachelorette party this weekend.
posts5/2/2006 8:12 pm
Atomic, you have quite the following |
Touch me with your wit since I'm a pisces
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/2/2006 10:16 pm:|
last time somebody said "touch me with your wit", I ended up slapped with a restraining order. I have this very important tidbit for you...
personal reading for art_persists
Pisces February 20-March 20Forget everything you know about chocolate sauce. You'll soon find that dipping your wang in tapioca instead is where the action really is.
posts5/3/2006 7:03 am
Scorpio October 24-November 22 What? You never seen a guy...you never seen a guy take a piss before? You're all a bunch of pathetic fucks!... I'll show you. I'll show all you motherfuckers!...Hey, this song's fucking awesome! Some people call me the space cowboy. Some people call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice...waaaawooow. What are you looking at? Bitches!|
Yes Atomic, I've seen someone piss before, but never in the pants while standing on top of the mexican resturant table playing air guitar in front of a packed dinner rush. Maybe you should've kept to just the two frozen Margaritas and went back to work... Love how you connect with the crowd during your preformance though Jukebox Hero!
You can shine your shoes and wear a suit
You can comb your hair and look quite cute
You can hide your face behind a smile
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/3/2006 10:43 pm:|
I hardly ever use the term LOL. its stupid, overused and has lost its meaning...but when I read this, I really did LOL. I even clapped. I love these kinds of comments. This is why I reserve the best horoscopes for you, my funny brother. So the couple of new horoscopes i have left are too lame for the likes of you. Thats why I'm pulling an oldie but goodie. The original recipient of this one I perceived to be a rich, high riding, snobbish socialite bitch. The horoscope is just perfect for you.
personal reading for Vick_Demise
Scorpio October 24-November 22When you said you'd rather felate a drunken hobo than be caught dead in off-season Dior, little did you know you'd end up doing both by the end of this weekend.
posts5/3/2006 8:33 am
AtomicArtist replies on 5/2/2006 10:11 pm:|
buying a sailor Moon outfit is never a bad idea...this, however is.
Personal reading for PrincessKarma
Pisces February 20-March 20 If you don't know what it is already, you'll find out quite graphicly what teabagging is at your friend's bachelorette party this weekend.
I already knew but the bachelorette party sounds like fun.
I could use some fun...
The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/3/2006 10:44 pm:|
enjoy your teabagging
5/3/2006 4:21 pm
you forgot to mention it was your wig|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/3/2006 10:46 pm:|
hah! ok, ya got me...always flushing clown wigs down the toilet while choking back tears.
posts5/3/2006 9:16 pm
WOOHOO...IT'S CRASS HOROSCOPE TIME AGAIN!!!!|
Go deep in the darkness
of your mind and soul,
and tell me what
my future holds
I'm a little scared
of what you'll see..
is it death or love
I'll accept the fate
in the eye of your mind
it may see chaos
but it may be kind.
whatever the fate
of this noble date
may we all be blessed
by [blog atomicartist]
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/3/2006 11:02 pm:|
WHOA!!! great freakin' poem!! awesome comment! I can see that all your brean cells are still firing. If you were a woman I'd fly all the way over to wherever the hell you are and and super bone you! But, I'll give you the deep dicking the only way I know how...with a down and dirty horoscope. Its never kind and always off-beat...here is your future the way I see it.
personal reading for LustyTaurus
Taurus April 21-May 21There has never been a fatal incident at your local zoo since they had opened, however your new air horn and lion costume will soon change all that.
posts5/3/2006 10:45 pm
And here I thought that people who lived in small Alaskan towns had some simpatico for people who lived in small Hawaiian towns. Damn.|
Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/3/2006 11:14 pm:|
people in Homer, Alaska have no simpatico for you and sadly, during the crass horoscopes nor do I. here is your personal reading...
Personal Reading For 1hotwahine
Capricorn December 22- January 20 This is not a good week for romance in the workplace, however you’ll find out soon enough that this will be an excellent week for sodomy in the break room.
posts5/4/2006 12:41 am
______I told you that in confidence, you turd. You trying to get me in trouble with Johnny Law? People in glass hposes shouldn't throw stones. I saw you skulking away from her window with your DNA evidence in a Baggie(tm).|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 9:46 pm:|
yeah. how is she doing anyway? I don't get to watch her shower much anymore.
5/4/2006 6:15 am
Great I'll be splattered allover fifth avenue when I jump off the empire state building in the name of art hehehe|
roaming the cyber streets of blogland
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 9:51 pm:|
It'll be heroic and romantic. Just like you're King Kong. I also have this for you...
personal reading for digdug41
Libra September 24-October 23 Its really too bad you've developed the reputation as a pathological lier, because no matter how amazing, no one is going to believe your story about you and Shaft beating the shit out of twenty corrupt cops and eluding arrest because you are two baaaadaaaasss motherfuckers.
5/4/2006 6:16 am
Aries March 21-April 20 There’s just nothing better than a nice long soak in a hot tub. Thanks to your severe gastrointestinal disorder, the bubbles just keep coming even after you turn the jets off.|
How did you know? HEY, were you in the bathroom with me last night when I took my bath?
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 9:59 pm:|
um...maybe. Was that you farting in the tub? I also have this for you...
Personal reading for mycin62
Aries March 21-April 20While your new town library may be an architectural and technological marvel, you'll find that its just another place for homeless guys to take a dump and snore like a son of a bitch.
5/4/2006 7:37 am
C = Causes
H = Hardons.
Okay, what is the horrorscope for Scorpio?
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 10:04 pm:|
You're right. I am beautiful and I have occasionally caused hard ons. Thanks for the compliment. But for you, here is how the stars see your future.
personal reading for catseyes23
Scorpio October 24-November 22Your new position at work has given you the reputation as a ruthless backstabber who will stop at nothing to get ahead. The consensus is that you have taken things too far with you demanding your own parking space, calling meetings whenever you feel like it, and verbally belittling employees. These are just some of the reasons why your co-workers are glad your reign as employee of the month is almost over.
posts5/4/2006 10:59 am
Let them try, I won't stop them.|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 10:11 pm:|
you won't stop them? sadly, nor will you be able to stop this...
personal reading for yukonpaul
Virgo August 24-September 23Its been suspected all along, but confirmed testing and a kennel certificate later this week will prove once and for all that you're the puppy's daddy.
posts5/4/2006 11:40 am
I am from a small town originally,but not quite that far north. |
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 10:16 pm:|
I heard what they do in small towns. it goes a little something like this...
personal reading for rawhide582
Capricorn December 22- January 20They can take away your home, your job at the middle school, and your freedom. They can even take away your life through lethal injection, but no one can take away your memories of a thousand beautiful boys dancing for your amusement.
5/4/2006 1:34 pm
Good thing this Taurus isn't afraid of spiders.|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 10:29 pm:|
not afraid of spiders, eh? well, what about this?
personal reading for southrnpeach333
Taurus April 21-May 21 Your ability to distinguish between monkeys, apes, chimps, baboons, and mandrills will be instrumental in telling the zookeepers what happened to you.
posts5/4/2006 2:12 pm
Hey, just stopped by on the advice of another blogger. If you're still giving out horoscopes, I'm up for it. But I'll be glad that I am Taurus who is not afraid of creepy crawlies ... (well unless it's a cockroach!)|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 10:35 pm:|
sure I'm still giving out horoscopes but I don't think you'll be thanking whoever sent you here. Your name is so cute. It almost makes me feel bad springing this on you. Almost.
personal reading for SweetDarlinAngel
Taurus April 21-May 21The stars declare that it is high time to change your appearance and the environment you live in. Lucky for you, you'll do just that shortly after falling asleep while smoking in bed.
5/4/2006 8:07 pm
nice, real nice... in fact, i'm buddies with the King Rat & we're comin over |
King Nor XVIII
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 10:41 pm:|
you and King Rat are coming over, huh? Well bring a 12 pack of beer. And perhaps you and your little rat friend might enjoy this...
personal reading for noprin5
Sagittarius November 23-December 21If it were to happen, you'd expect to lose your hair slowly over time. Its really too bad you'll end up losing all of yours in a slapfight this weekend.
5/4/2006 8:28 pm
My turn.. but um Its Homer Arkansas..and on the cusp|
under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 10:57 pm:|
you're also on the cusp of reading a very twisted horoscope.
personal reading for MRSMUFFLAND
Capricorn December 22- January 20You'll be quite graphicly reminded of that old saying..."if you wish in one hand and shit in the other, which will pile up first?"
posts5/4/2006 10:31 pm
Cool, I always wanted to be a daddy!|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 10:59 pm:|
that way you can tell that puppy..."who's yer daddy" I like your sense of humor.
posts5/4/2006 10:45 pm
Thank God I forgot to put the PowerBall on then. Saved myself a few bucks!!|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 5/4/2006 11:04 pm:|
saving a few bucks is great...but nothing can make this any better
personal reading for frangipanigal
Aquarius January 21- February 19As fate would have it, it seems you've pissed off one of the only guys on the planet who knows how to swing a pair of nunchucks without wacking himself in the nuts.
5/5/2006 10:48 am
Hilarious, Atomic, simply and truthfully, hilarious! Thank you and your sense of humour.|
posts5/6/2006 11:34 am
Sooo you watchin girls in the shower now?.... |
was that your own shower ?
a bit of a voyuer!!?
should I have a cam installed in the shower?
How do you make me say these things?... in public even
stop with that smug smirk...
posts10/22/2007 1:52 pm
"Pisces February 20-March 20 You've never been gay, nor in the Navy, which makes it all the more ironic when, as events unfold this week, you'll be deemed "the gayest little sailor in the Navy"...|
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ..AM I A GAY WOMAN !!!!!
Can you say....Got strap on DICK ?
More like where is it so I can do someone 1
Ok...I am so NOT gay girlfriend ...snap !
But do have an awfully cute sailor outfit ..
Singing ..."On the good ship lollipop"....
| " I think the quality of sexiness comes from within. It is something that is in you or it isn't and it really doesn't have much to do with breasts or thighs or the pout of your lips."|
|AtomicArtist0 replies on 10/22/2007 6:56 pm:|
strap on, eh? wanna pretend to be gay with me then?