Another Crass Horoscope, You Cocksuckers  

AtomicArtist0 45M
5236 posts
11/1/2005 7:39 pm

Last Read:
3/31/2008 10:09 pm

Another Crass Horoscope, You Cocksuckers

Its the first of the month and that means rent is due and I'm handcuffed naked to a dumpster again. It also means I have another Crass Horoscope for all you demented pervs out there. Read yours and pass it along to your friends and don't forget to read it aloud to the submissive you are currently using as a footstool...cuz, you know...they're people too.

As always, comment on this post and get a personal crass reading based on your profile, location, handle, and whatever other astral shit I can conjure. Comment often as you know I appreciate your attention. Enjoy.

Aries March 21-April 20 A bout of drunkenness and depravity finds you waking up in a puddle of your own puke by the end of this weekend. Upon further inspection, you are appalled to learn that the puke is not your own after all.

Taurus April 21-May 21 You've done what you had set out to do and now finally the world knows your name. too bad Jodie Foster wasn't at all impressed by your little stunt.

Gemini May 22-June 21 Its time to reevaluate your financial situation. Take stock in what you have and come up with fresh, new money making strategies. After all, you haven't had a good entrepreneurial venture since Bumfight.

Cancer June 22-July 23 Feelings of rejection, despair, and shattered dreams this week leaves you flushing yet another clown wig down the toilet.

Leo July24-August23 As fate would have it and when all is said and done, you will be left with exactly what every man wants: two missing ribs, a broken neck, and a moustache.

Virgo August 24-September 23Thanks to a new circle of friends, you will make the uncanny transformation over the next few weeks from the nice lady in accounts payable to the bad girl of German scat porn.

Libra September 24-October 23 You can trace the route of all your life's problems to just two things: Too much baby makin' not enough book learnin'.

Scorpio October 24-November 22 You've ironed out almost every detail of your nearly perfect plan except that you've underestimated the abilities of those motherfucking, cocksucking hand puppets to get kids to talk.

Sagittarius November 23-December 21 Desperate declarations of "please, Im have too much horny" has not been your best pick up line as a Mexican prostitute. Your ability to shoot ping-pong balls out of your snatch will be your real money maker with these tourists.

Capricorn December 22-January 20Your hard work and dedication has made you the model of success. You're rich, well tanned, possess perfect, chiseled looks and even own your own yacht. Still, even you can sometimes feel rejected as the last few women you've wooed had left you for a guy who can actually steer his boat with his cock.

Aquarius January 21- February 19 You'll find out that unfortunately, members of the opposite sex are not turned on by your zits. They may enjoy tattoos, scars, bruises, scabs, gashes, and stumps...but never zits.

Pisces February 20-March 20 This wouldn't be the first time you've woken up next to a midget, but as this one is dead, it may be a good opportunity to reflect on a very important lesson; Midgets are littler than we are. Use a lesser dose of chloroform for Christ's Sakes!

havenbliss 43F

11/2/2005 1:12 pm

Interesting choice for Virgo..trying to tell us something?

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/2/2005 6:05 pm

Personal reading for 1BigBeautifulLay

Virgo August 24-September 23 They say chocolate is an aphrodisiac only made sweeter by the addition of peanut butter. You decide to test this theory this week by taking a jar of peanut butter and inviting your new chocolate lab puppy, appropriately named Chocolate, into your locked basement.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/2/2005 6:15 pm

Whoa! Look at Tipadee writing a great horoscope for me! I'm impressed and its a little too uncanny as to how true it is. Thanks, I'm flattered. Hmmmm, I kinda wished I had a nastier one in mind for you but here goes...

Personal reading for Tipadee

Capricorn December 22-January 20 As a Capricorn, you pride yourself on being headstrong and not sweyed by the influences of others, but a temporary lapse in character proves hazardous this week as a guy slowly rolls by in a brown and tan windowless van offering sweet, sweet candy.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/2/2005 6:19 pm

Personal reading for Havenbliss

Virgo August 24-September 23 The end of this week finds you with the blood on your hands of all those who have opposed you. That'll teach those idiot waiters at T.G.I.Fridays not to screw with you.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/4/2005 6:53 pm

Welcome back to blogland NaughtyNic. I have a crass horoscope perfect for you, but I wish I could take credit for it. My friend Havenbliss suggested it when I asked her advice as to what to write for you. Give her props and enjoy.

Personal reading for MyNaughtyNic

Capricorn December 22-January 20 A bout of itching "down under" leaves you thinking that you may have gotten more from your Australian vacation than an all over tan and a boatload of crappy souvenirs.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/6/2005 9:59 am

BigGirlz...thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for bringing folks out here on your blog. Now, since you are so sweet, here is a very special one for you. Enjoy.

Personal reading for BigGirlzRSweet

Libra September 24-October24 Its been your life's anthem and has given you the confidence to get out on the dance floor since its release. It has given you great self esteem and the ability to love yourself and others. Still, one question has been the subject of too many worried, sleepless nights; What if Sir Mixalot was lying about that whole big butts thing?

Love ya BigGirlz. Keep shaking that thang.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/6/2005 10:14 am

Thanks for coming out to see me, Jester. Here's one for you.

Personal reading for XTheJesterX

Aquarius January 21-Febrary 19 You've been surprisingly cool about letting others handle your things, but in all seriousness, its really no problem to you at all...after all, in your case, it wouldn't hurt to get a second set of prints on your gun collection.

craptoast 39M

11/6/2005 7:32 pm

I had no idea I could shoot a ping pong ball out of my snatch. Thanks for the tip!

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/7/2005 6:36 pm

Ah, Craptoast! thanks for coming out to see me, man. I've been eyeballing your blog for a little while and was hoping you'd come out to see mine. Now that you have, here is a crass reading just for you.

Personal reading for Craptoast

Sagittarius November 23-December 21 A gay New York City photographer convinces you to pose nude for him under the premise that the shoot would be artful and tastefully done. You may not be well versed in the arts, but try as you might, you still can't figure out what is so artsy and tasteful about three naked guys in a pillow fight.

PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
11/8/2005 9:39 pm

What about a Pisces-Aries cusp with Gemini on the ascendant, Venus in Pisces, Mars in Capricorn and Moon in Libra?

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/9/2005 6:42 pm

Thanks for stopping by, Princess. Good to see you. Now, here is your crass horoscope just for you.

Personal reading for PrincessKarma

Pisces February 20-March 20 After the unfortunate incident with the feds, followed by a grueling, month long search, you are distraught to find that all of your loved ones are with Jesus now...and his wife, Juanita.

rm_Venutian16 62F
3 posts
11/15/2005 6:43 am

Taurus girl replies. So what did I do to get such notoriety? Please do send me a personal horrorscope. Too bad you're in Seattle. So far away. d

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
11/16/2005 12:45 pm took me awhile to find you, but glad you came out to see me. I realize the horoscope for taurus could be hard to get, so I'll explain for you and everyone else who may not have figured it out. When John Hinkley attempted to assassinate former president Ronald Reagan, he cited that he was trying to impress actress Jodie Foster. needless to say, she nor anyone else was impressed. Hope that clears things as promised here is your...

Personal reading for Venutian16

Taurus April 21-May 21 Thanks to a little too much wine at Thanksgiving dinner later this month you will blunder over a major social faux pas. You will announce to everyone that you are surprised your son's girlfriend is in attendance as you just assumed ignorant white trash had nothing to be thankful for.

Because you're new, I want to let you know its all in good fun. hope you come back to see me sometime. take care.

rm_Venutian16 62F
3 posts
11/17/2005 7:54 am

Boy that's pretty close to the mark. As a matter of fact, she is of the white trash sort.
BTW, I like your photo and your perverse brain.

Become a member to create a blog