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Speeding down Main Street
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Jan 17, 2012 7:50 pm
486 Views
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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Doggy Style
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Jan 17, 2012 7:47 pm
533 Views
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A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!!!!"
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Two Scottish nuns
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Jan 17, 2012 7:45 pm
568 Views
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Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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"Can you give me a push?"
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Jan 17, 2012 7:42 pm
483 Views
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
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I have to whisper
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Jan 14, 2012 4:46 am
644 Views
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A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
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Tennis Ball
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Jan 14, 2012 4:45 am
549 Views
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One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball?" the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
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difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'
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Jan 14, 2012 4:43 am
588 Views
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
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Going out for a Beer
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Jan 14, 2012 4:41 am
546 Views
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A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer -- brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made hors d'oeuvres.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the hell up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d' oeuvres because your married ass isn't going to a damned bar! Got it, jackass?"
And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
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Pair Of Gloves
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Jan 8, 2012 8:52 pm
662 Views
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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"Old" Man
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Jan 8, 2012 8:48 pm
640 Views
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A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look,"
she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
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The Engineer And The Frog
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Jan 8, 2012 8:31 pm
616 Views
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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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Stop in the name of love
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Jan 8, 2012 8:28 pm
578 Views
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A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes!!"
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College Students
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Jan 5, 2012 7:52 pm
851 Views
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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"
Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"
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