Top Tips 2  

AlbertPrince 58M
4459 posts
9/16/2005 2:01 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Top Tips 2

This is dedicated to HardlyYours4Now whose blog Life With Carry-Ons is well worth a visit.
I love the sound of laughter - especially out loud!


LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the fuck you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

WEIGHT WATCHERS. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

DYSLEXICS. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

GIVE up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.


methodman1000 40M
1775 posts
9/16/2005 3:45 am

wtf!!!!!


AlbertPrince 58M

9/16/2005 5:51 am

method - you just never know when one of these tips might come in handy.


rm_EE407 41F
3903 posts
9/16/2005 2:40 pm

some where funny... some less.. but I had me a giggle..


AlbertPrince 58M

9/18/2005 5:21 am

EE - but all will prove to be invaluable at some time.


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