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Top Tips 1
Top Tips 1
CLIMB onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
GIRLS . Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
CHEER loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
DON'T buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-FILES fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
MINOR skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
AVOID jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
PASS yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
THICKEN up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A NEXT door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
HIJACKERS . Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
DETER goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
AN EMPTY aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator
OLYMPIC athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
SWEETCORN fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
PRETEND you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
AVOID arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
WEEDY fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
VEGETARIANS coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
INVITED by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
SPICE up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
9/14/2005 9:56 am
You are truly twisted and I love it.|
I'll never quite look at frozen peas the same way again.
9/14/2005 11:18 am
Give your goldfish the workout they need ..Stir the water really fast against the direction they are swimming They then have to work really hard just to stay in the same place! Just like the Gym|
9/15/2005 8:21 am
Hilarious...and BB is right...you a one truly twisted MF lol...and mich appreciated !!!!!!!!!!|
9/15/2005 7:23 pm
Any helpful hints on avoiding freezer burn with those peas?|
9/16/2005 7:47 pm
LMAO! I especially liked the ones about the binoculars and the phone books. To think, I was going to recycle my old ones tomorrow!|