<font color=brown size=3>Top Tips 3</></>  

AlbertPrince 58M
4459 posts
9/26/2005 4:02 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

<font color=brown size=3>Top Tips 3</></>

IF a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

AVOID cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

HOUSEWIVES: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

MAKE people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

MAKE bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

MAKE your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.

NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.

FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

See also
Top Tips 1
Top Tips 2

JJKittyKat 59F

9/26/2005 10:26 am

lol I really liked the one about the guide dog

AlbertPrince 58M

9/27/2005 12:26 am

JJ - please remember cruelty to animals is not funny. cruelty to blind people on the other hand, is obviously acceptable

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