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News of the World 20
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Oct 14, 2006 6:18 am
2684 Views
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Doctor, everything tastes like shit!
A Polish man who had his tongue removed has had a new one made using tissue taken from his buttocks.
Jarislav Ernst, 23, from Gliwice, now has a functioning tongue made from his backside after surgery at the Oncology Clinic in Gliwice's General Hospital.
Head doctor Stanislaw Poltorek said: "The new tongue is alive and well-supplied with blood, and the patient is doing well."
Mr Ernst's tongue was removed after it was diagnosed with cancer.
Dr Poltorek added: "We removed the tumour-filled tongue, checking that there were no remaining cancerous cells around the patient's mouth, then collected skin, fat and nerve tissue from the man's buttocks and modelled that into a new tongue, which we sewed into his mouth."
See also:
News of the World 19
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Equality for women
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Oct 14, 2006 6:12 am
2631 Views
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The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds.
Women get 23 seconds.
Which means if women were
really interested in equality,
they'd make sure we have four orgasms
for every one of theirs.
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3
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Solve the problem of masturbation once and for all...
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Oct 14, 2006 5:33 am
2656 Views
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This is from a genuine web site that I came across
"Find out why masturbation is harmful for your health and many aspects of your life and what you can do to stop it. Read the only step-by-step program available in the world today and you will succeed in ending the habit of masturbation and start enjoying your life to the fullest.."
If anybody feels that this problem is ruining their life, get in touch and I will tell you where to sign up!
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3
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More Top Tips
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Oct 9, 2006 4:51 am
2915 Views
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Want something different to brick-paved driveway? Collecting the rubber from shredded lorry tyres from the motorways and laying them on your drive provides a decorative finish, is weather proof and silent!
Save on wasted effort using crap nutcrackers by having a pet squirrel who will eagerly nibble the nuts open for you at which point you can take them off him and eat the contents.
Can never find room on the coat hooks? Starch your coats heavily and after taking them off simply stand them up in the corner.
To stop the back of your boxer shorts wearing before the front, wear them the wrong way round so the hole is already at the back and the front is perfect - they will last much longer this way.
Trouble lighting the barbecue? Use a combination of red and orange crepe paper so even if it fails to light the coloured crepe paper will look as if its really blazing!
Not sure about 'hair-beading'? Use rabbit droppings instead of real beads so they gradually dissolve and don't have to be painfully removed.
To enhance your success as a double glazing salesman wear double glazed spectacles thereby enabling prospective clients to see how good your product is before purchasing!
If you want to fly your kite on a windless day simply attach a battery operated fan to a hat, wear the hat backwards and while running this will provide sufficient wind to enable the kite to fly.
To obtain the cosy feeling of a winters day during summer, paint the top of your house windows dark grey, pour water on the outside and sit with your feet in an ice bucket.
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
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5
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Mission Impossible
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Oct 9, 2006 4:41 am
2682 Views
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I went to buy some camouflage
trousers the other day ...
... but I couldn't find any.
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Sanitized
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Oct 9, 2006 4:32 am
2675 Views
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During my stay in the asylum, I was called in to see the doctor.
"So, Mr. Prince," the doctor says, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
I thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
"And do you know what the best part is?" I asked.
"No. Please tell me." he replied.
"The best part is I can carry on being a teapot in my spare time."
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1
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Talking Clock
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Oct 5, 2006 3:55 am
3043 Views
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While proudly showing off my apartment to friends, I led the way into the den.
'What is the big brass gong and hammer for?' one of my friends asked.
'That is a talking clock,' I replied.
'How's it work?' He asked
'Watch,' I said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, 'Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!'
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1
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Hard Times
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Oct 5, 2006 3:35 am
2827 Views
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I was having problems with my dick, which had certainly seen better times.
I consulted a doctor who, after a couple of tests, said, "Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last year. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."
I walked home, deeply depressed. My wife was waiting for me at the front door and asked me what the doctor said concerning my problem.
I told her what the doc told me.
She said, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that! We should make a list!"
I replied, "I already made a list on the way home, and I’m afraid your name isn’t on it."
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2
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Hints on Pronunciation for Foreigners
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Oct 5, 2006 3:29 am
2692 Views
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I take it you already know
of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you,
on hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
to learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
that looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness' sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for neat and great and threat
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.)
A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose--
Just look them up--and goose and choose.
And cork and work and cards and ward
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart--
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five.
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1
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Breast Cancer Awareness Month
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Oct 2, 2006 4:12 pm
2783 Views
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There seems to be a lot of attention focussing on breast awareness ..... see lovemetouchme5's post Boobies for details.
Meanwhile if any of you lovely ladies need any help with your breast examinations I am willing to give up my own time to help you out.
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2
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News of the World 19
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Oct 2, 2006 4:38 am
2079 Views
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Newsflash!
Crushed nuts
When a 40-year-old man turned up at a hospital asking to see a doctor specialising in "men's troubles", he was shown into a cubicle, where he gingerly unwrapped three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze from around his scrotum, which had swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit.
On further inspection, it was discovered that his left testicle was missing completely, and, embedded within the swollen, tender and weeping wound, were a number of dark objects which the patient confessed were one-inch staples from an industrial stapling gun.
It transpired that the man spent his lunchtimes alone in the workshop, where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of placing his penis on the moving canvas fan-belt of a piece of machinery.
One day, the excitement had caused him to lose concentration, and the fan-belt had snatched his scrotum into the fly-wheel, throwing him several feet across the floor and tearing off his left nut.
Rather than go to hospital, he performed first aid on himself with the stapling gun, then went back to work when his colleagues returned. It was two weeks before he got round to visiting hospital.
See also:
News of the World 18
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