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God Help Me.....
God Help Me.....
Okay, so I am back and posting by almost popular demand.
I am not sure how coherent this post will be. I will give you a bit of background information and this may explain why.
In Feb. of 2002, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II disorder. My mother, who killed herself when I was 12, was a Bi-Polar I, what is commonly refered to as being "manic depressive". I won't go into all the differences between the two unless someone here asks me. Suffice to say that between my chronic, and clinical depression, and the abandonment issues that I face given the fact that eveyone I have ever loved has left me in some form of fashion, it makes a wonderful gumbo for personal and emotional trouble.
When I speak of people leaving me, it started with my mother when I was 12, then my father when I was 16, and later on, my wife when I was serving over in the desert in Saudi Arabia during the first Gulf conflict. Since then, I have never been the same. - However, with the diagnosis, it was a bit of a relief as it seemed to explani a lot about my moods and some of my basic character make up. - When the average person is feeling "blue" or slightly "depressed", people tell them to suck it up and snap out of it. For the longest time, I TOO thought this way about me and couldn't exactly understand why I was having so much trouble with seemingly simple issues. But now I know.
Yes, as you might figure, I am on medication. Sadly the medication costs more than I make in a whole month. In fact, just ONE prescription that I picked up the other day was $750 for a months supply. - Because of the Bi-Polar, and thanks to the help of someone who knew the system well and was forward thinking, I am now declared legally "disabled". The sad thing about it, is the misunderstanding and misconceptions, as well as the ever-present stigmas surrounding mental illnesses.
Okay, I am not handsome and therefore nothing to exactly write home about, but basically, I look like everyone else. My disability is not as in your face as someone say in a wheelchair, or someone who is blind. For this reason, there is a HUGE lack of understand when it comes to me, or really anyone I know who deal with these issues. We look normal on the outside, so we must be normal, right? Wrong! We are very differently wired inside, and there is no concreate way to explain it to someone.When someone is blind, you notice immediately and your mind is set for that. But not for dealing with people who have a form, ANY form, of mental illness. - On one hand I wish pople understood more and were more accepting. Yet, on the other hand, This is not something I wish on most anyone!
There is nothing like feeling suicidal, and then locking yourself in your house for 5 days to a week on end, not answering your phone and barely eating, taking every for of drug you can find just in hopes of sleeping it off until it goes away. - Normal? NOT A CHANCE! - But try to explain that to a boss. "Hey boss, yeah listen, I need to take five or so days off because I am not able to deal with people and I feel like blowing my brains out". See how much compassion and understanding you get. I will almost gurantee you it will be expressly little, and more like none.
Okay, so why vent all of this here? Well, after reading Mackey's post about the loss of her friend, it got me to thinking. I felt badly that there was/is, nothing I can do to ease her pain.
Yet, once again, I TOO am in a great deal of pain. The ex-GF mentioned in my last post is throughly and completely breaking my heart. While she is coming to visit on May 14th, this reasons for her trip are to say goodbye, face to face, once and for all. Just the THOUGHT of losing her on any level makes me suicidal. I don't handle abnadonment well,and when I love, I tend to love with my whole heart. I don't really know how else to love someone. In all my soon to be 42 years, (42 on May 11th), I have only loved 3 people. She is one of them.
I honestly don't know what I can do or will do. These next 3-4 weeks will be some of the hardest and most gut wrenching that I have faced in over 10 years. I highly down that I will react well. - What seems to hurt even more, is her non-chalance regarding our relationship. The mixed signals I get on every level are nothing shrot of amazing!
I am sure some will read his and think what a loser. Others will enourage me to keep the faith and tell me that in time, this too shall pass. And while that may be true, that's still the future. I have to deal with the here and now! And the here and now could very well kill me. - I think the main reason that I haven't done anything like taking my own life is vecause, as much as I wish to lash out at my ex, that one action of mine would probably scar her for life on some level. As it is she doesn't like ANYONE to get to close. The minute they do, she cuts them out of her life. If I were to end mine in such a fashion, (and I have thought of some of the most evil and vindictive ways to do this too), she would never EVER be able to open up, or love or trust ANYONE!
So here I am.
I am taking my meds. I live in abject poverty. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. - (Quite the package I might add for any of you girls reading this! Please msg. me ASAP and let's hook up....)
I know there is a GOD, and I know and believe he loves me and cares for me. I just wish I had more answers and knew what the hell was going on! As someone once said to Woody Allen in his movie, "Love and Death", "God is testing us.....!" To which Woody replied, "yeah well why couldn't he have given us a written?!"
5/3/2005 7:01 am
Hey there - just a quick hi, glad to see you posted again, I plan on coming back and commenting more soon. Just wanted you to know that your blog is still checked on.|