Post-traumatic weekend Disorder  

Aaarrrggh 44M
35 posts
11/28/2005 8:36 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Post-traumatic weekend Disorder

In fine form, those blokes radioed messages of unsurpassed angst against the gunwales of my peace. Eat it up, I told myself, doing the math and seeing a deficit, my one, their three.

My defense: intentionally vague, and I don't think those blokes really understand the language, and their misinformation gave them at least an hour of conversation. It was the assumption of definition that fueled the exchange, but I was busy looking a the picture on the wall, which seemed no more pronounced than the wall itself. It was the absence of the subject that made this otherwise poor exposure palpable. In what way, I do not know, but the blokes were roundly staring--not in bemusement, but as a undressing, a challenge more than anything, and my ignorance was of them, and nothing more.

There are always thumbtacks to sit on when everyone knows your story. Gossip is sharp and unforgiving. Every action can be reduced to a slurry of cutting observation. It sucks eating crow for toothpick chomping sons o' riches and their opulence wearing neckbeads like million dollar rosaries. It's paid for with an embrace and creature comforts never looked so lovely in the lap of bestial luxury.

But these are not evil geniouses, these are not criminal masterminds. I am not face-to-face with Lex Luthor, but just gents like me, and the best action is to walk away, and let them sputter, releived, I'm sure that I did not pick up the gauntlet, but rather ran it, my pride in tow like some dead whale. My comfort lies in my generalizing the moment, and generalizing whatever is human, and must scold myself for such a simple-minded retreat, as warm as it is. Because next time the math will be in my favour, and I shudder at the thought of abusing such a simple equation, because it would lessen me as a man, and it is better to know that the biggest hearts cast the biggest shadows, and on that day, it was overcast, I hope, indeed, I hope, I hope.

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