Attack of the massive ass!  

ANewLevel4Us 38M/37F
226 posts
8/19/2005 11:20 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Attack of the massive ass!

I look out my window this morning and what do I see? But a massive ass peeking back at me!

I mentioned it somewhere before, but I can't recall where - whether it was in a post or in a comment. The guy that lives across the street from me is a complete freak.

We've lived here for a couple years now, and this man has totally blown our minds. He lives alone, doesn't work (unless it is from home, because he never leaves). He is, from observation, a lover of many foods. Our first inkling that something was weird with this guy was when we noticed several different restaurants delivering to him in the same evening. This would be early on in the evening. Later, he would leave again for like 20 minutes and return toting these huge bags from the local fast food joints. Ok, fine. The guy has a love of food. But wait, there's more.

He usually never comes out during the daytime. But, when he does (and actually any time he comes out) he is carrying a box of baby wipes with him. He covers his hands with baby wipes when he touches anything - to bring in the trash barrels, open his car and house doors. It's just plain weird.

Well, a couple months back I noticed that this man apparently never shops for clothing. He has been wearing the same exact three shirts since we moved in. If you looked at the picture, you can tell that they are from a time in his life when he was a little less ample. They no longer fit, and don't cover much of his fast food belly. It's really rather disgusting.

One night, when I arrived home from my college classes, he was outside tinkering with his baby wipes and trash cans. His pants were hanging so low you could see his entire ass. It was horrifying. I figured that this was only something he did at night time. Well, today I was proven wrong.

He is having work done on his house. He has a bunch of young guys there putting siding on his house. He hasn't come out much while they have been there... but apparently today he was ticked off about something they did because there he was, in all his glory, with his ass flapping in the breeze (not to mention his belly... I have pictures of that too) yelling and complaining to the guys working on his house. His pants were hanging so low that you could see almost all of his lilly white ass. His belly was hanging out too, and it looked as if the guys working on his house had to muster up every ounce of inner strength not to die from laughing. It was broad daylight. Cars were zooming by. I'm surprised the sight alone didn't cause a pile up.

Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm all for people who feel comfortable and sexy in their own skin. Big people can be sexy too. But this was just plain indecent... and it takes quite a bit for me to feel that way. You could have harpooned this ass and claimed it for Spain.

The picture associated with this post is of the man in question, and one of the guys working on his house who was obviously as stunned by the massive ass as the rest of those who witnessed it.


MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
8/20/2005 1:42 pm

OMG

Yet, when he looks in the mirror, I've little doubt that the ripples he 'sees' are muscle, and not the tidal effects of the moon (the celestial one)!

While Large can be Lovely, to be that Horrifically Humungous is Hugely Harlequin. Gotta wonder what the gravity well is like around that cat... speaking of which, keep yours inside lest it be pulled within the Event Horizon around him!

btw, ROFLMAO at the Spain comment!

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Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.



And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!

Lately...

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ANewLevel4Us 38M/37F

8/20/2005 5:14 pm

Mister - I'm not sure he can see much... especially his shoes. It's really unfortunate, but it is obviously by his own hand.

He was outside again today... this time talking to himself and carrying on. I will never understand the man. He was telling the neighbor, VERY loudly... that he is suspicious of us. I don't know why. I'm guessing a touch of mental illness?


MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
8/21/2005 7:36 am

Too true- let's consider exactly what's in his hand... huh, imagine that! Enough Crispy Creme dog-nuts to supply all the crews involved in the Big Dig during it's heyday!

Of course, we are probably being to harsh on the Michelin Man. It's most likely a medical condition. I'm guessing an over-active gland (the mouth is a gland, isn't it?!).

I'm thinking if the guy lost, oh, I don't know, maybe 250 lbs, it would expose the phrase, "Free Willy" to a whole new light!

(ugh! Even I'm sorry I went there!!!)

As to the status of his mental condition: I gotta wonder exactly how well glued-together anyone could be to become so freakin' morbidly obese, coupled w/ the hermit-like nature of his existence doesn't exactly assure me all his marbles are in the same sack.

Then again, and this wouldn't surprise me in the least: maybe he's one of those mute cruisers of the Blogs, and coincidentally recognized one of your asses from your profile pic! (Doubtful he recognized his own ass: mirrors that XL sized for home application are special order and very expensive!)

An aside: I work in eastern MA, near Salem. Ya know, if he was there back during that historic time of infamy, and was found guilty of witchcraft, and subsequently burned at the stake, I bet it’d be like a tire fire- days before it finally burned out!

I mean him no ill will, but it tied in nicely w/ the Michelin Man comment…

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Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.



And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!

Lately...

.


MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
8/21/2005 7:39 am

whoops, the bold was only supposed to be on the word, "own"

Dang fumble-fingers

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Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.



And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!

Lately...

.


ANewLevel4Us 38M/37F

8/21/2005 9:38 am

Mister - you know the thought crossed my mind that he may surf on here and see his ass on the Internet. I made sure not to show any pictures of his face... although I would have loved to better catch the expression on the other mans face. The other two men working there had to go back behind the house because it was getting a little... overwhelming. Add in the fact that my husband and I were laughing so loud you might have heard us out in Salem.

Definitly mental illness though. Yesterday he was out there putting close to 30 large boxes into the dumpster reserved for the siding. The UPS man comes by almost every single day and delivers massive boxes that have pictures of food on the side. I'm thinking he has home delivery of his groceries. While the man was unloading these boxes into the dumpster and gasping for air... he kept looking up into the sky and was talking to someone. But.... no one was out there with him. He scares me some.


MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
8/22/2005 4:57 pm

Good job, not showing any faces- the legal repercussions of showing w/o a model's release can be daunting, not to mention spendy. Much better for it to be an anonymous enormous ass! Fairly astronomical odds, his finding y'all, tho maybe less than that- you can narrow your search area parameters to something like 5 miles, I think...

Ya know, I wondered what that sound was! It just so happened that the wind was blowing outta the west that day, as I recollect!

How terribly sad, to find it necessary to live that way- ordering crates of food, isolating himself from humanity, trying to placate and silence whatever demons plague him, attempting to suffocate them in massive quantities of comestibles... while all he's accomplishing is putting himself ever nearer to respiratory arrest.

Don't think too badly of me for feeling pity for this pathetic creature, likewise don't think too well of me for it, either. It's reminiscent of a "Jerry Springer" phase I was in, once. No matter how much of my life was magically turning to shit, I could usually rely on Springer to present someone whose life was worse than mine, at least in some aspect...

To close with a reassurance that I'll just add to the list of things I'll probably go to Hell for- You should be safe as long as you keep a, I don't know, ten foot distance from him. Judging by your beautiful legs, I can't imagine you not easily outpacing him.

And according to calculations I've made, extrapolating probable mass from the two pix (btw, did I mention that I'm an amateur astrophysicist? lol), my equations indicate a proximity of any less than 9 feet, 2 inches would result in gravimetric capture, inescapable by current technological standards, resulting in rapid descent through the Event Horizon (the place where gravity is so strong not even light can escape), calculated distance of 5 feet, 1 inch: spiraling in to be crushed down to component atom, then sub-atomic particles, then the complete and utter annihilation of matter, at least as we understand it to be. So please mind your distance!

Like I said, just another thing I'll burn in Hell for!!!

.

Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.



And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!

Lately...

.


ANewLevel4Us 38M/37F

8/22/2005 6:28 pm

Mister - so what you're saying with those calculations... the guy who is in the picture with the giant ass very well could have been sucked straight into it? That's frightening.


MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
8/23/2005 2:58 am

Fascinating hypothesis!!!

Judging by his erratic behavior, it looks like that's exactly what happened!

Oh, wait a second- I thought you were referring to what happens to an object that can no longer support it's own mass. Einstein was the first to quantitatively prove that some objects really do disappear up their own assholes. My bad.

You're referencing the dude to the right w/ a clip board, ain’cha?

He was a benchmark used to corroborate my calculations: where the contractor was a rogue planetoid- briefly passing thru the system, however with sufficient velocity/distance to avoid capture before being sling-shot out of the system, and on into the inky depths spanning the void that exist between remodeling contracts...

Yes, very scary! Hence my warning in my first posting here, regarding small pets!

.

Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.



And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!

Lately...

.


ANewLevel4Us 38M/37F

8/23/2005 11:53 am

You are just too funny LOL


MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
8/23/2005 7:37 pm

Thanx!

I had a shamefully great time with this...

(Tho not so shamed as not to think I may well save and exerpt bits. Particularly proud of the whole, "amateur astrophysicist" shtick)

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Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.



And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!

Lately...

.


ANewLevel4Us 38M/37F

8/25/2005 12:38 am

Mister... it was a great couple of posts... you are very creative! thanks for sharing it here


MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
8/25/2005 4:53 pm

4Us~

Thank you, you're too kind. I wanna thank YOU, both for the venue, and the inspiration, without which none of this would have been necessary(!)

Yeah, they were great...

("Taps" starts quietly in the background...)

But, judging by your first line, it's time to put this string to it's Final Rest...

(Music swells slightly...)

"Friends and Loved Ones, Neighbors and UPS & FedEx & USPS drivers. We are here to lay to rest, Attack Of The Massive Ass..."

(Shutter-flash to scene from Monty Pythons Search For The Holy Grail, "Bring Out Your Dead" scene- cued to famous, “I‘m not dead,” sequence: overrides music, briefly)

"He could rant, rave, and moon with the very best of God's children, and sure knew his way around a buffet..."

(Music resumes, muted yet full of stirring anguish)

"He will be missed by his dear family, beloved neighbors, and the Hubble Telescope..."

(Music gradually climbs in volume and depth of feeling...)

Before we lay Attack Of The Massive Ass to his final rest, there is one question I would like each and everyone of you to ask yourself...

(Bugle blats one terminal, sour squawk: sounding remarkably like a duck's last second alive as a steamroller passes over it...)

"Does anyone know where we can find a piano-case to use as a coffin?"

.

Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.



And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!

Lately...

.


MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
8/25/2005 4:55 pm

...just add that to the list...

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Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.



And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!

Lately...

.


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