Day 65: Who am I really? Would you like to know more? Do you think you can handle it?  

AGNJoe1 46M
385 posts
1/13/2006 8:38 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Day 65: Who am I really? Would you like to know more? Do you think you can handle it?

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Do you want to know about me? Do you really? Do you think you could handle the truth about my current situation and my life? Let's find out...

I currently live with my wife and two kids. And while I love them to death, my wife has slowly moved away from me, and I have not been intimate with her in over a year. I am currently over 40 grand in debt, and I am on Effexor for depression and hycosamine for my irritable bowel syndrome. But the medication only helps me cope with all of the physical ailments and the depression. It cannot deal with the real problems of struggling to put food on the table for my kids. Or living paycheck to paycheck struggling to get out of debt.
I am also a felon. And I have to deal with the fact because I'm a felon, some people who may find out about this, may look down upon me with disgust because of what I did. And every day, I have to fight with myself and tell myself I am while I was a felon, I am not that now, and that I have to fight every day to make myself a good person. This way it helps me atone for my actions. It helps me center myself to become a better person each and every day, although I am reminded and haunted of my actions and what I did.

I currently go to martial counseling for my marriage, a psychiatrist for my problems, and AA to deal with my alcoholic nature and alcoholism. While I haven't had a drink in over 16 years, every day, there is a voice inside my head saying "Go ahead and have a drink. Drown those problems away. Mask them so you can escape your troubles." But I know deep in my heart that this is no solution. I must deal head on with my problems, not run away from them, though as much as I'd like to, I know I cannot.

You're probably wondering why I'm posting this, or why would I open myself to you like this. Some of you who do know this are probably saying, "Yeah Joe, we know some of this. Why bring it up again?" Because it's part of who I am. Not the whole part though. There's more to me than just the bad stuff, but the bad stuff is kind of what I'm focusing on in order to fix my problems and make my life better.

I go to church on Sunday. I work one day a month at a homeless shelter to help out and keep myself centered. It helps me remember who I am, and that things are not as bad as they seem. I also have a small charity I work with that I helped create, in which I gather old computers, refurbish them, get them working, and donate them to charity centers, the church and the poor to help them have something that can help them find a job or organize themselves.

You see, there is more to me than just the bad. I am more than just parts you may or may not know. I work each and evey day to make myself a good person. There are days I know I do good, and other days I struggle with myself to fight to keep myself going for that next day. So that I can see another tomorrow in hopes that it will be a better day for me, so that I will not be living paycheck to paycheck, or worrying about feeding my kids, or that my wife will finally be able to say that she loves me and shows it with real affection and emotion. And...there are dark days, days I feel like it would be easier for me to just end it all. But that which does not kill me makes me stronger. That is the motto of my life that holds so much meaning for me.

But for me, this is just who I am. I am A Guy Named Joe. And I will keep on fighting, keep on surviving, until one day instead of surviving, I will be thriving, and living life better than ever. And until that time, this is who I am now. Love me or hate me, this is who I am for better or worse as they say. I am no angel or devil. I am just a man dealing with life on God's great snotball called Earth.

Thanks for reading. And by the way....that's just my "B" game for blogging. Don't make me put out my "A" game.


angelofmercy5 59F
17881 posts
1/13/2006 9:04 pm

Joe, every day is a brand new day, and a chance for a new start. I relate to much of what you are going through. More and more people are struggling to make ends meet on that day to day basis. You are the person you are today because of the things - good and bad - in your past. And look at what you are doing for others to make a difference in their lives. If you don't already, read [blog goddess1946] to hang on to the positive energy! Keep on keeping on....their are people behind you here that wish you well.

pinkplaytoyz 49F

1/14/2006 6:13 am

good morning Joe,
I am around felons every day that I work, that is my job. If I did not have the ability to see goodness in all people, I couldn't do my job effectively. What you have to face in life and what you do to face it is the most important thing of all.
We all have our demons to fight.
We are the sum of all our experiences.
And it is our own responsibility to forgive ourselves, to learn from strife, and to GROW from it.
You are doing a FINE job my FRIEND!!!!!


AGNJoe1 46M

1/14/2006 7:07 am

angelofmercy5 - Thanks for stopping by. I do read [blog goddess1946]'s blog and it helps me center myself a bit. And thank you. I know people here do wish me well, and I'm a fighter. I do not like to give up so easily.

trav - That's because it was my "B" game. Like I said, nobody has seen my "A" game yet.

AGNJoe1 46M

1/14/2006 5:57 pm

Pink - The hardest thing in life is for me to allow myself to forgive myself for my own actions. But I figure that each day I continue my path to be a good person, and do the right thing each day...that allows me to regain my humanity. I know that, yet it's sometimes hard to remember that each day, and I have to remind myself of it in order to move on.
Thank you for being there for me.


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