Not to little sex but NO Sex  

ABorderReiver 63M
8 posts
1/12/2006 7:30 am

Last Read:
12/22/2006 11:43 am

Not to little sex but NO Sex

I don’t know how many men if any have ever faced this problem. The problem is no sex; hey I’m not talking about to little sex I’m talking about no sex. My wife (21 years together and I love her dearly) went through the “change of life” several years ago. I went to Iraq, it was safer there, honestly her going through the change had nothing to do with me going to Iraq. We did not start the war both just happened at the same times. I did feel sorry for my kids they were home with mother. You would not believe the letters, calls, and emails I got telling me about the things “mom was doing.” By the time I returned home in 2004 Mom had changed. There was the first night home and all the wonderful lovemaking. I was back in the arms of the love of my life. The next day she said, “I need to talk to you about last night.” I was excited I thought she was going to tell me how great and strong I was and how she had craved me while I was gone, that was not the case. She told me she hoped I enjoyed last night because she had decided she did not want sex any more. When I ask why she said she jut felt it was a waist of time and totally useless. She also said it hurt her some. I told her to see a doctor and she did. The doctor said the pain was because it was something that she had not experienced in over a year and she was sore. I suggested a psychiatrist and she said what we need was a marriage councilor. I went to the councilor. He told me I had to be sensitive to her needs and suggested a psychiatrist, for me not her.

I told the wife I would go to the psychiatrist if she went with me. I thought if he sees that it is she and not I that was not normal. I would have someone on my side. It did not work that way. She told the doctor I was just over sexed at our age sex should not be “That Important.” He asks about our sex life and asked if I was willing to take some medicine to curb my sex drive. I reluctantly agreed. I hated the medication; it made me feel un-natural and sluggish. The doctor made appointments to see each of us separately. When I went he ask how the medication was doing. I told him. He explained that what I had was a normal healthy sex drive and that different people have different needs and desires for sexual pleasure. He said he really saw no need for medication except it was what my wife wanted. I don’t know what he told her during her session alone but she came out angry. He then made a session with the two of us.

In that next session he said that there was nothing wrong with either of us. He explained that different people change and their desires and needs change but some people don’t. He said that both of were mentally within the realm of social norms. He did explain that sex was a natural part of being human. The wife got upset stood and told the doctor he was taking my side because he was a man. She left. Later she told me that if I had to have sex I could take care of things myself or hire a prostitute she did not care which she just did not want to know about it and I was not to touch her in that way again.

Well her it is 2006 and that was 2004. I have still not been with another woman other than my wife in 21 years. I will say that I have “taken things into my own hands a few times.” I still love my wife and we travel some and have a very good life without sex. I have visited several places like this and wrote several women. I met a few but there was no zing except once. I rode my motorcycle to meet this lady and we clicked and went back to her place. We kissed and then I felt guilty. I ruined the opportunity by talking about my wife. I told the wife about this encounter. She smiled and said, “I’m glade you could not do it.” Then she gave me a peck on the cheek. Then I did something I guess I should not have, I threw my arms around her gave her a very passionate kiss and moved my hand to her breast. She jerked back and shouted at me to never touch her like that again, kissing was permitted but nothing else and if that was what I wanted I should have gotten it from that “Other Woman.”

Well I’m still looking for that romance, passion, and the female touch but have not found the lady that turns me one enough yet to persuade me to do it. I want something more than a one-night stand. I want excitement and a gentle touch. I want to feel like I am wanted. I want to feel like a man again. Until then I will take care of things myself. I wrote this wondering if anyone else male or female had ever experienced this and how they coped with it.


sassybelle21 32F
13313 posts
1/12/2006 9:10 am

I'm still too young to experience this since I'm not even married yet. If you really want to find another woman, you've got to conquer your guilt first and then learn to relax and enjoy things. I'm not going to preach and ask you not to look. Your wife "permits" you to look and also asked you not to tell her if you do so. I am in no position to forbid your actions. I hope you won't hurt her feelings since you love her dearly. Good luck.

Yes_I_Am_coming 62F

1/12/2006 3:51 pm

The change of life affects different women different ways. It really sounds to me that your wife does not have a good doctor. There are things that can be done to bring the desire back.

You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about since she has given you permission to find someone. I think it is very gallant of you to stay in a marriage where there is no intimacy, but you do need to take care of yourself first since she doesn't want to help in this particular way. Above all else, be true to yourself and know that you are not in the wrong. I am sure there are women out there that want exactly what you do. And I wish you much luck and happiness in your search.

bzymom27 51F

1/14/2006 6:15 pm

very hard to deal with I know and totaly understand plus the rejection feeling it leaves you with. Makes you question what am I doing wrong or better yet am I making this worse. This is why there are sites like this so that we may have the chance to meet others whom are experiencing the same.

angelofmercy5 59F
17881 posts
1/20/2006 2:41 pm

I actually did not have sex with my husband for almost two years. I felt completely detached from him emotionally, although I still loved him with all of my heart. I know how much it hurt him....I saw it in his eyes. I just couldn't change it. Well, that has all passed. Our sex life is better now that when we were first married. I feel very emotionally attached, and very attracted to him sexually. He has trouble keeping up with me now. My only problem now, relates to your second blog....he wants some variety, as in other women.

rm_2hot4u2c1478 47F

10/2/2008 1:38 pm

First of all thank u for sharing. You hear men complain all the time about "not enough sex" and women about "he wants it all the time". I am married to a wonderful man and we had a great sex life while dating and before we got married..14 months ago, but I became ill on our wedding night and was sick off and on until 2 months ago. I felt fine at times during the last 14 months but he would NOT touch me except for a peck on the cheek. I longed for his kiss, touch and lovemaking, but he could not and would not allow that. I am well now and he still says he needs time. I have an insatiable sex drive and masterbation can only do so much...I long for a connection, touch, it is important. I understand your pain and hope you find someone u can be comfortable enough to let yourself enjoy sex the way God intended. I don't believe it to be cheating if she gave her permission and u don't flaunt it in her face. Thanks again and GOOD LUCK!!!

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