|Blogs > 9Inches917 > IndestructableFoolRambling|
So you've made it this far. You've gotten free from the ties that were keeping you planted down in the seventh circle of hell. You've climbed out.
You've had some days in the sun, you've moved beyond the awful feelings that were keeping you stuck in a place you never should have been.
Then the phone rings. You recognize the number. You don't want to answer it. You want to just let it ring and let the voicemail do your dirty work for you. But you can't. You simply can't not answer the phone because you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if you don't answer- the phone will be ringing all day and all night.
So you answer. And the voice on the other end is that of the person who drove you completely insane for five years.
"My car broke down on main street."
You look at the wall. A few weeks back you would have been out the door, flying to the aid of the same person who would be bitching at you an hour after you save them.
"And you called me because......?"
And then you get more. You get more of that same old bullshit that shut you down inside in the first place. Blah blah blah and some wha wa wa wah waaah (Charlie Brown). You don't move. You hang up.
A few hours go by. You get another call. This time the person on the other end is trying to be calm, but you can tell they are still crying with frustration.
They beg you to "come home". You deny them. They keep after it. Keep on pushing the issue until you finally cave in due to pity.
So you get back there. You walk up the stairs and get to the top of them to find the door locked. You roll your eyes and turn to leave, even though you have a key. The door opens as you are leaving.
And then the big payoff occurrs. You walk in and look them square in the eye. You can see that they were crying, but so many tears have fallen that they've lost their value. They don't move you at all anymore. You just look at them, and keep the same stoic look on your face.
They carry on about how much they love you and how this could only work if you did this or that. Change this. Change that.
And you look at them. You tell that that you aren't changing anything. They get mad. They get aggressive. You tilt your head to one side and shake it slowly at them to remind them that you are not going to be intimidated.
You spit venom because kindness won't get the point across. This person isn't listening to a word you are saying, only hearing their own words and how they want things to be.
"You aren't crying because you love me and can no longer have me. You are crying because for the first time in five fucking years you aren't in control anymore. You can't stop me from standing up from this couch and walking out of here. You can't control the fact that I'm owning my unhappiness and doing something about it. You cannot control how I feel, and tell me what is inside my heart. Because if you knew- if you had even the slightest damned clue about what was in my heart, you would have listened to what I was saying all the five million other times you and I have had discussions about what we can do to fix these problems. But that's it, and that's always been it. It's always about what I can do to fix things. What you say you will do to fix things you never follow through wtih. You always go back to what you were before. Just as soon as you got me back under your thumb. But under your thumb is a place I will never be, ever again."
You get up and walk out the door. They try to chase you, grab your shirt. Try to pull you back inside.
You smile as a police officer pulls over to ask what is happening. You know the cop. He knows the situation. He instructs her to get off you. Yea- I said Her.
You might have thought I was talking about a male, because all this behavior she's perpetrated screams "dominant male". Well in this case- it's a male who's been dominated and has taken his tail out from between his legs.
She backs off. You thank the policeman for getting her off you, and head to your car. She returns to the door step, still pleading with you not to leave. But you've had it. No fight left in you.
You exhale as you shift into first and launch yourself down the street. With each foot that increases the distance between you and her- you feel more freedom. You have stood up to what was keeping you down for so long.
And it is about time you get on with your life.
8/31/2005 8:40 pm
WOW! You know most of your story hits really close to home for me. As I said before I hear your pain... I am thinking though that we should set her up with someone I know. They could then drive each other crazy with the same bullshit!|