Desolate  

9Inches917 39M
36 posts
8/31/2005 1:27 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Desolate


I returned to my home for the first time in a few weeks today.

It was weird. Very weird.

Ever find that a certain place will do nothing but remind you of certain times?

I learned this lesson when I was new to college. I remember being in that new place and feeling this tremendous feeling of release, and I wasn't really sure why until I went back home for Christmas break.

Once I got home and was back in my old bedroom, I suddenly found that all the things I left behind were still waiting for me in that room. And by that, I don't mean my bed. What was left in that room were memories of pain and heart ache. Hours spent wondering why things didn't work out, nights awake in that bed thinking about things that didn't go my way.

It was strange because I had had several months worth of break time from those thoughts and feelings. Being back in the room made them all come rushing back. It was a strange experience. My bedroom was the holder of bad times. As life moved forward I got beyond it, but it took time.

When I walked into my place today and looked around, I felt all the old feelings come rushing back. Anxiety. Tension. Memories of all the good times and all the bad times that I had experienced there with a girl who was no longer in my life.

And when the good times came to mind, I found myself second guessing the decision that I made. But then I would force myself to remember why I made the choice that I made.

However it didn't make it any easier. Every room has some memory in it, and no new coat of paint, no new furniture lay out would change that.

All these old feelings were right there waiting to get up in my face and talk some shit.

I guess when I ran away, I ran away from everything and was content not facing things. But now I know that I must turn and face these things with my chin up. Maybe it's a fear of being alone. Maybe it's just residual feelings that haven't gone away yet.

But it's strange because I always imagined the feeling of peace that I would have when she was finally gone and I would have the place all to myself.

Now I can't even stay sitting down on the couch without feeling the need to have a beer or something to help take my mind off that stuff- and since I'm not one to crawl into a bottle- that won't work.

The way I dealt with it before was by re-inventing myself. But I've already done that so many times now that I'm not sure where I would even start. I'm happy with who I am. I just cannot help but wonder if certain things had been different if it all would have worked out.

And I think that's the feelings inside the home coming through. The best idea would be to create new memories within the place. Or maybe just pack my stuff and hit the road- find a new place and a new beginning.

I have no idea right now. But what I do know is that I cannot be trapped by those old feelings, I cannot run from them and I cannot let them run me.

It is a desloate place now though. Nothing there except bad feelings and all my personal belongings. Stupid ghost feelings. Anyone know a good exorcist? lol.

badgirl2005me 38F
7 posts
8/31/2005 9:27 pm

It's both... the fear of being alone and residual feelings. They sometimes get the best of you. Then you are going another round asking how was it that you got back there again. It's like a long tunnel. It may take awile but you'll eventually find the end.


badgirl2005me 38F
7 posts
8/31/2005 9:27 pm

It's both... the fear of being alone and residual feelings. They sometimes get the best of you. Then you are going another round asking how was it that you got back there again. It's like a long tunnel. It may take awhile but you'll eventually find the end.


9Inches917 39M

9/1/2005 8:23 am

True. And thank you. It was weird being there last night, but after a little while of thinking, I realized I was far better off. I spent time taking all the pictures down, which helped a lot. I also decided that rearranging the furniture would help, so I did that as well. It helped a lot and I woke up this morning ready to keep on rolling.


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