A soulmate for a little while.  

634694u 46M
257 posts
10/27/2005 10:09 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A soulmate for a little while.

In January of 1994 I learned what receiving a broken heart truly means. To this day I can see her face as she said "goodbye, your the one, just not right now."

I once loved my soulmate. She was a beautiful young woman that literally captured my soul. Her name was Kerry, she was about 5'-4" tall, 115 and had long, sandy, silky hair passed her wonderful tight butt. Her eyes were a combination of grays and greens. Her voice was soft and sincere. She was my life. My lover and best friend. We were not intimate for nearly six months. We loved each other deeply but waited for fate. patience and true love we both had.

I used to drive one-hundred miles, each-way, twice a week to see her, Yeah, I loved her that much! She lived on a small horse ranch outside of Livermore, Colorado. I lived in northern Denver. I never once minded the drive until the day she let go, let go of me.

I hopped-in my trusty old 1986 GMC truck and headed to her that day. I made the long drive that Saturday morning as usual and never suspected what event was about to alter my life forever. I drove up the long winding driveway and found her sitting on the small stoop next to the side door of the old log cabin. I could tell something was wrong but had no idea what. She never looked up, nor did she say "hi" once I exited my truck. I walked over to her and kneeled down in front of her. With one finger I gently reached for her chin and raised her head to look at me. Her eyes were completely green, no shades of gray. This was never a good thing.

I knew, the minute she looked up, that the worst thing I could imagine was about to happen. She leaned into me and through her tears cried "I love you so much." I could feel her tears soaking through the denim on my thighs. I stroked her hair and wrapped one arm around her. I said nothing, I waited and held on to what was left of my heart. I didn't want this sad moment to end for when it did, so would my life.

After several minutes of silence and her tears she gazed upon me for the last time. She looked me in the eyes and said "I want nothing but happiness for you, I know how happy you are with me but your just too early, you showed up too soon." I wiped away the many tears and then laid her head in my hands. she cried and wept for me, for my pain, the pain she was about to inflict.

I gently stood-up and she followed. We grasped one another tightly for what seemed like hours, tears began rolling down my cheeks as the cool morning breeze made it presence. "I need to see more of life before I settle down, Why couldn't you have waited? Why did you come for me now?" she cried. "Goodbye, your the one, just not right now." I still said nothing. The whole time I was holding her, It felt like my life was draining, wasting, blowing away with the cool morning air. I hurt so bad, so deep that my knees actually buckled. I slid down in front of her in the gravel drive (The sound of the dirt under my boots that morning still rings in my ears sometimes to this day.) and grasped around her thighs like a child. I laid my head against her thigh and looked out at the open country side that we would walk nearly every night. The jeep in the driveway, The Pine trees in the stream bed, The blue sky and puffy clouds. I took all of it in one last time.

I stood, turned and walked away, she did as well.
I turned around once with hope but found none. All I saw was her flowing hair in the wind and second later, the closing of the door. I drove away slowly and thought of her, How much hurt, courage and wonder she was feeling knowing what was meant to be, would never come to pass.

I drove home in a suspended state, no emotion. Finally, after the final two hour trip was over, I wondered my way into my house and fell into a heap on the floor. I stayed there for two days.
I felt almost nothing for nearly eight months after that day either.

I didn't wonder about what I did or could have said, I knew all the answers, If only the hurt would let me forget her. She was/is my soulmate, when you find yours you know, there is just no guarantee you get to enjoy that person forever. I was able to spend 18 months with her, no fighting, no doubts, just a friend and lover that felt the way love should. It just felt right.

Digging deep sometimes feels right too.

see ya.

DirtyLilSecret61 55F

10/28/2005 5:37 am

(reaches for a tissue) Words fail me, which is rare.

(hugs you)

blueberryhill4u 58F

10/31/2005 9:10 pm

i just wonder after all this time , have you ever heard from her ? you write with such passion , i have tonite read some of your blogs, something that i don't do ..i find you to be very mature for your age ..thank you for the wonderful story ...xoxoxo oh btw a real woman does like or love a man who can build and fix things , oh yes she does ...

634694u 46M

11/1/2005 2:26 pm

Dirtylilsecret-Glad you liked it.

Blueberry- Yes, are paths crossed several times, We were both in new relationships though. I have not heard from her in over five years currently. I am still very close to her mother and father to this day.
We E-mail and chat on the phone from time to time.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
11/3/2005 12:29 pm

A friend of mine always used to say that deep pain of the heart was only an affirmation that the feelings were real. Pain strips away all pretenses, reaches to the deepest parts of your soul and you can see so clearly how much you love that person. The pain is a measure of your feelings for you....be grateful for it, for the fact that you were touched by a love so deep. There are people in this world who have never known that kind of emotion....and yes, they will never know the crippling, soul-deep pain, but they will also never know the joys that come with loving so deeply.

(sad smile) No matter the philosophy behind it though, pain is pain and it can be oh so hard to face.
Hugs to you....the right woman for you is out there waiting...perhaps it will be the joy of discovering a new soulmate or the comfort of returning to the first one. Either way...you'll find her.

frbnkslady 48F
6183 posts
11/20/2005 2:55 pm

I have yet to be blessed to be loved like that.. I have loved like it though, and am in love with him now.. it is just not returned.. But I love him enough to walk away, to let him go... but to stay and be a friend to him and wish him every happiness he will find in his life. Damn, am crying now.. part because of the pain, part because I know it will never be me he loves like this. T


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