AnEnigma517 59M
243 posts
12/29/2005 12:52 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


“Sounds of Silence…” sure are loud lately. I think I figured out why I was so really depressed yesterday. And still am, but at least now I can deal with it because I know why. The consensus from my friends who cared enough to let me know (thank you) is something I knew, but somehow yesterday that familiar knowledge escaped me. I should have known… it happens this time every year.

“A winter’s day, in a deep and dark December… I am a rock. I am an island.” (I’m listening to my Best of Simon & Garfunkle CD… music calms the savage beast, eh? Jeeze! The lyrics on that one-- it’s like a perfect, point-by-point description of what’s going on in my head today.)

Anyway… where was I…

Yep… same kind of depression, same time of year. I’m bipolar, and I should have been paying better attention this year, because I knew that the annual depression was going to hit like it always does, in spite of my daily dose of lithium. Maybe it is just because of the change of seasons, like the “experts” say in the textbooks. Or maybe because for the past six years, it seems that every year since there has been some kind of loss in my life.

1999 took my mother; not exactly around this time of year, but it was the first time that we spent Christmas without her. A year later, the rest of my family was gone. (Oh, they’re still around, in their own little worlds. It just seemed like I was no longer part of their worlds. I somehow became a “black sheep” when I was diagnosed manic-depressive… as though what I had was contagious, and while Mom was around, they were more or less forced, or obliged, to accept it.)

A couple years later, my home was destroyed by fire when the neighbor in the duplex’s adjoining unit fell asleep with a lit cigarette. (And I’m still here in the same efficiency apartment/motel room that the Red Cross found for me -- and subsidized for the first few months. Why move? It’s a nice little place; it’s got everything I need, and since I lost most everything in the fire, this place is just the right size for everything that I have left. And it’s cheaper than a “regular” apartment in this particular Pittsburgh suburb. Maybe I’ll move someday… when I figure out where I’d rather be.)

Last year, it was Pam who left. The woman who, for four years, called me the “love of her life.” The woman who fired me when I tried to fire her kid for stealing from the cash register. (Oh, I guess I never told you that one. I managed a convenience store… did real good for the company. But that’s another story… We got back together about a month after my departure from Uni-Mart… secretly, of course, since what would everyone think, especially her boss! Last year her Christmas present to me was a “Dear Todd” letter… not really a letter, even. Just a quick little note on a blue Post-It Note attached to my door.

And this year… well, I reckon it was remembering the past five that kind of overwhelmed me. And to add insult to that injury, this week the A F F servers seem to be just totally fucked up for some reason. And I think that was really the last straw for me this time. In the few months that I’ve been blogging, I’ve been blessed to know so many wonderful people… and you know who you are. And then one day… Poof! I can’t even keep this fucking thing connected long enough to even see younses! In a way, it seems that more people who are now dear to me have been taken away. I know that’s ridiculous… shit happens, and I know you’re all going through the same frustrations with this A F F problem, and all we can really do is just grin and bear it. But, I do miss the sheer pleasure of being to log in and go quickly to your blogs… to spend some of this alone time with you.

Sometimes, life can be such a bitch!

Well, my Simon & Garfunkle is playing on the last track… and I’m feeling a need to soak in a hot tub… with Epsom salts this time!

Thanks again for letting me vent.

Best wishes,
Todd


dimples1214 58F

12/29/2005 1:20 pm

If you want to chat, you know where to find me! Take care!


silkysmoothlegs3 105F

12/29/2005 1:21 pm

Hello darkness my old friend
Ive come to talk with you again

I love that song

hugs for all your past hurt

silky


caressmewell 53F

12/29/2005 1:34 pm

You need a tropical beach vacation as much or more than I do.


GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11240 posts
12/29/2005 1:58 pm

~ nodz ~ in agreement .... you could do with a break

thankfully all of it for this year is almost over at least


saddletrampsk 54F

12/29/2005 2:01 pm

You have so many friends here..you are never alone sweety..


jadedbabe78 105F

12/29/2005 3:03 pm

The year is almost done with and a new one upon you so you can start fresh .

And it does sound like you need a break away--somewhere warm and sunny--with sandy white beaches, clear blue ocean water, and sipping mai tais by the sea without a worry.


AnEnigma517 59M

12/29/2005 8:40 pm

Silky -- once again, I'm speechless! Thank you. I dedicate "Bridge Over Troubled Water" to you. {=}

Caress/Goddess/Jade -- yup. Time for... a cool change... (that's a song lyric, right?)

Saddle -- better friends here than anywhere I've ever been!


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