I'm a great friend ... I'm a bad boyfriend.  

614photoguy 48M
24 posts
8/22/2006 10:54 am

Last Read:
8/28/2006 10:12 pm

I'm a great friend ... I'm a bad boyfriend.

I'm learning this the older I get.

And as my desire for traditional relationships diminishes.

Some people are great at relationships.

Not me.

I suck at them.

One of my favorite songs has the greatest line about that, period:

I guess that's why I just hate love
You're so pretty and I always fuck up

Because I do.

Usually in my own head. When I realize that the person I'm dating has changed in the time we've been dating to become my girlfriend.

Not the person I was attracted to.

Not the person I wanted to be with.

They've become "that girl" who is known as someone's girlfriend. Not by her name.

And that's not what I want.

I can only think of one relationship I've had where that hasn't happened.

My ex-wife.

We were together for 8 years (roughly). We were married for five. She's one of my best friends these days.

As marriages go, we had our amazingly great times, and some not-so-amazing times. Good and bad, better and worse ... all that stuff.

And for a time she tried to be my wife in that sense of she did what I wanted because she thought that's how things worked.

Then she got smart and realized that she's a person. With feelings. With wants. With desires. With dreams of more than just being some guy's wife.

And one day she rolled over and said to me, "you feel that?" ... meaning the distance between us. And we discussed it, as rational, intelligent adults, and realized we want different things out of life. And parted as friends.

Now, she's one of my best friends. We talk about everything ... dates (before she remarried), relationships, sex, life, family ... all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the great.

And all without worrying about being judged for what we say, what we do or how we feel, and without the other being a blind cheering section for whatever crazy thoughts the other is currently having.

We've become, for each other, a great voice of reason that you know is telling you the truth, not what you want to hear.

That is the most liberating I've ever know.

And then I realized that I have another friend like that ... she and I have an amazing relationship that transcends all labels.

And she was a former girlfriend, too.

So that's two in the column of "bad boyfriend becomes great friend."

Then there are the two people I've dated since my divorce.

Both were younger than me by six years.

Both turned into "my girlfriend" rather than the fun, exciting women I was attracted to.

And both of those factors could be the reason things didn't work.

I'm guessing the former.

I know I grew a lot from 30 to 35. Got rid of all the bullshit, all the games, all the crap you develop from the time you start having boyfriends/girlfriends until you realize that wrapping yourself around someone else, and their life, doesn't work.

And you emancipate yourself from being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. You're a person. And you stop worrying about it. You live your life. And hope to find someone to share it, short-term, long-term, forever, or for the night.

So I've decided I'm going to concentrate on being a friend rather than trying to find that one true soulmate and live a little, have some fun, and meet some great people.

Who wants to join me?

MischiefSprite 53F
334 posts
8/28/2006 9:29 pm

Sounds like you are on the road to becoming poly-amorous. It's liberating, it's non-traditional and very rewarding. If you're interested in more opinions about it, read my blog entitled "What poly means in the Glass House." Good luck and keep being a good friend; it makes you a better lover.

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