The Dilemma of a Married Man  

4EverYoungFL 66M
54 posts
2/22/2005 7:36 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The Dilemma of a Married Man


I posted a message entitled "Profiles That Make Me Chuckle" in which I discussed the seeming hypocrisy of women posting profiles (many including explicit photos) soliciting sex partners, while at the same time taking the "high road" and making condescending statements about married men who are also on AdultFriendFinder.

I got some interesting responses; and I thank everyone who took the time to respond.

However, one of the responses focused my attention on the core issue (at least for me) that is not apparent until someone takes the time to get to know me. That issue is the reason I am on this service, the reason why a married man would be looking for a discrete encounter outside his marriage.

I cannot speak for all married men. I can only speak for myself. In my case, I love my wife dearly and would not want to do anything to intentionally hurt her. However, there is a serious sexual mismatch at the moment, as a direct result of two factors. First, I have always had a higher sex drive than my wife. Second, my wife is going through the beginning stages of menopause.

The result of these two factors is that there is a major emotional/sexual/psychic void in my life at the moment. Sure, I could masturbate... which I do; and, I could view porn... which I do. However, it does not replace the interpersonal and deeper aspects of a physical/sexual/emotional relationship that are so important to me.

I can fully understand why guys resort to prostitutes. It is a way that they can rationalize getting their rocks off without "cheating" on their wives, since sex for money is a purely physical act. For better or worse, however, I am not built that way.

I am unable (unwilling) to settle for simply a series of physical encounters. I have tried them (not with prostitutes); but they have been entirely unsatisfactory. And, the idea of having sex with someone who is paid to ACT like she is enjoying my company is a total turnoff to me.

For me, the joy in sex is the unspoken physical bond and energy that passes between two people who like, respect and desire each other. It can be as simple as a comfortable relationship. Or, it can be lust. Or, it can be a loving relationship. All, to me, are good and healthy for the human soul and spirit. The problem arises, however, when one loses perspective, and the love for someone spirals out of control into falling in love. "Loving" someone and "being in love" with someone are two entirely different things.

Falling in love is a consequence of losing perspective of the goals and objectives of the relationship. I have been very successful over the years in developing interesting, emotional and mutually satisfying relationships with women outside of my marriage. And, at no time, did I feel like I was "cheating" on my wife. The reason is that I maintain my focus and purpose. I always know that I am in love with my wife and would never want to terminate that emotional bond.

The bottom line is that every person's situation is different, as well as his/her/their motivations and psychic and emotional needs. We should all be dealt with individually, rather than being prejudged as a group.

_CoffeeNoCream_ 52F

2/23/2005 4:30 am

I couldnt agree more...

Liefs CnC


rm_flyjock71 45M

2/23/2005 7:19 am

I couldn't have said it any better myself. Your statement may not apply to all married men but it applies to me. We are kind of in the same situation. I applaud your post. Way to defend us married men.


cabbieman012004 52M

2/23/2005 7:32 am

i totaly agree with this, i too love my wife very deeply and wouldnt leave her for someone else, but the sex in our marriage has just about vanished, and a man needs more than just his hand to satisfy the need


happylucky20005 74F
28 posts
2/23/2005 7:40 am

hi there you see things from your perspective, not from the women,, its much more intence for a woman,, an once she hurts dont want that again, an again.. it takes a long time for a woman to heal,, it takes a better man to meand the open wounds,, think about it mmm its not all one sided women have the same problems in their lives with there married husbands,, when he is down he is down for a very long time,, maybe forever,,, she needs to be loved cherrished wanted needed,, an you want a long lasting relationship,, we both need it,, not to be dumped for the first woman that turns ur head or has money to burn or a skinny ass an shaved pussy that taste better,, you think your the only one with problems ,, theres 2 sides to evey incounter, thank god we think differently,,,


rm_CustumBill 59M
10 posts
2/23/2005 8:51 am

Thank you! I was beginning to think I was the only one here like you. I too have had a few great relationships over the years. Have you found that some women find it nearly impossible to understand that you can care about and or have a relationship with two women at the same time?


Apolybear 54M

2/23/2005 9:20 pm

I’m glad to see this discussion. It indicates a very serious issue in the way we find love and happiness.

We’re told from birth that there’s that one person out there who can meet all our spiritual, emotional, social, financial and physical needs. Is this realistic? The divorce rate and the all the married people on this site suggest otherwise. If 75% of married men and 50% of married women have had at least 1 affair during their marriages, it’s obvious to me that monogamy doesn’t work for lots of people. Instead of vilifying all the married people for looking outside their relationships to meet their needs, perhaps it’s time to redefine what a relationship is, so it will work better.

Granted, most people don’t have the option of proposing an open relationship to their spouse. It’s estimated that only 3% of the population practice an alternative lifestyle because of all the societal and religious bias to contend with. All I can say is that my wife and I are much happier since we stopped being monogamous.


rm_CustumBill 59M
10 posts
2/24/2005 9:41 am

Redefine a relationship, Now there's something to ponder about. I meet a woman once in Boston many years ago that said to me and I quote, " a relationship is two people spending time together until someone better comes alone". For her I guess she was right, that same night, at the same bar, she found that better someone. LOL, lucky me!!


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