When I think about you I don't touch myself  

40Deuce 39M
4366 posts
7/1/2006 7:26 am

Last Read:
7/4/2012 6:11 am

When I think about you I don't touch myself

Masturbation sucks - there , I said it . And any man who says otherwise is a filthy liar . I probably screwed myself over by not masturbating the first time until I was also having regular sex but I can't exactly unring that bell . Besides why would I want to ? The whole process is a waste of time . Why ? Well I'm glad you asked . After much soul searching I've narrowed it down to 3 very well thought out reasons .

1 - It takes too long

2 - It makes my arm hurt

3 - The payout isn't that great

Also to save you some time here's the rebuttals to those arguments -

1 - You're not doing it right

2 - You're a puss

3 - See #1

But those points are all flimsy and ill-conceived and I all ignore them . The problem is that most likely masturbation is a skill like any other - you only get good at it with practice . But who has that kind of time ? Well I do , but I'm too lazy to do it . I should just outsource the whole thing to India . But that just brings up another sex of problems . Namely that I'd have to get a guy because women suck at giving handjobs . And trust me , having an Indian guy jerk me off is the last thing I need . My heterosexual street cred is pretty lame as it is .

Why do women suck at the art of handsex ? I haven't quite figured that one out yet . I assume its the same reason men suck at everything sexually - they don't have enough access to the right equipment . Also they probably do it poorly on purpose because of the whole pay inequity thing in this country . And who can blame them ?

I can . Because lady masturbation seems to be pretty awesome from what I've been told . Now for a quick poll - which is a better euphemism for lady masturbation ?

A - Cliticure

B - Rubbing the love nub

Right so would you women give up your masturbation powers for 26 more cents on the dollar ? Think hard about that one . Plus that's not all . You'd also have to give up multiple orgasms . Hitting below the belt I know , but there it is . Jealousy is a powerful tool of oppression you know .

So , getting back to the main point of all this - since masturbation sucks and sex only happens for movie stars what I am left with ? Alcohol ? Drugs ? An eating disorder ? I say nay . Instead I choose the great American pasttime of being surly and disinterested in anything people have to say to me . Is it a poor substitute for sexual satisfaction ? Of course , but you have to play with the cards life dealt you . I'm holding nothing , but like Luke says "Sometimes nothing can be a pretty cool hand ."

Men aren’t like us, to them sex is a big deal, like sports, or flags. - Lydia Dunfree

40Deuce 39M
3706 posts
7/4/2012 6:11 am

    Quoting superbj55:
    I can't believe no one commented on this. Of course, I couldn't because I didn't exist on this site yet...I was still a reborn virgin.
Like most artists I did my best work when no on appreciated it

How long does it take to become a reborn virgin ? I have to get getting pretty close

Men aren’t like us, to them sex is a big deal, like sports, or flags. - Lydia Dunfree

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