Dude , where's my penis ?  

40Deuce 39M
4184 posts
7/3/2006 4:09 pm

Last Read:
2/17/2012 11:43 am

Dude , where's my penis ?

“The world isn’t flat , but your wife is .”

Magellan , busting on the king of Spain

First the good news . Recent scientific evidence strongly suggest that the average breast size of American women is up half a cup size due to an increase of certain fruits in our diet . And there’s every reason to expect that this will continue to trend upwards . This is good news for everyone ‒ except plastic surgeons I guess . And I know what you’re saying “but Deuce , what about gay guys ?” First of all shut up , I don’t talk when you’re trying to education people about lady parts and their increasing size . Secondly gay guys love big breasts ‒ that’s why they have sex with other men . Think about it . It all makes sense . The only fear I have is that some women already have breasts that are too big . That’s right , I said it , too big . Its true , there is such a thing as a breast too big ‒ so quit your crying . Anything approaching soccer ball proportions is way too big . I mean just think ‒ WWJD ? Not have knockers that big that’s for sure . So the future will be mostly a happy , booby place , but there will be a few women running around out there with tits the size of medicine balls ‒ so watch out for that .

“So I guess that you will never really satisfy a woman ‒ and I’m sorry for that . But here’s to you and your dinky wang , dinky wang-man .”

Leon Phelps , the Lady’s Man

Now for the bad news . My penis is shrinking . I’ve suspected this for a while but I finally have enough evidence collected to present it publicly . On the second Friday of every month I look at the pornography and measure the width , length , girth , water displacement , potential energy , and angle of my penis . And now , looking back at over 34 months of test data I can conclusively state that my penis is getting smaller by the second . My assistant at work tried to say that it was the same size , but how many people are going to tell their boss “Hey , you’re dick’s shrinking ?” Also aside from that one Christmas party I don’t think she ever saw my dick back when it was its fully sized original glorious as-nature-intended self . This isn’t a problem right now because my penis was verging on too big already ‒ it should hit normal size sometime in 2017 . But the fact remains that sooner of later I will be small in the pants . Don’t be alarmed though , don’t shed any tears for me , I’ve still got a lot of good years ahead of me . Sure , I got screwed , but that’s life ‒ you just have to deal with it . Until the cyberpenis comes along anyway .

Now for the news that is neither good nor bad . Statistical analysis indicates that given the current rate of lesbian increase by 2163 there will be no more straight women in America . And I say good riddance . Because straight women can be mean , but lesbians are always cool . In effect they’re already rejected your sexual advances before you ever even met them ‒ so you’re free to be yourself around them . To be relaxed and comfortable . Of course this is a major bummer for the men of the future who apparently will be surrounded by lesbians with huge melons . But its not all bad news . By that point they will have a gaming system (tentatively titled the X-Box 5400) that will dispense beer and have a sexual orifice . So don’t get too down future men .

And finally we come to the tale of my first sexual experience . The names have been changed to protect those people who were actually there and slander famous celebrities that were nowhere near there .

I had been chatting with Catherine Zeta-Jones on AdultFriendFinder for a while but she was way out of my league so I was quite surprised when she invited me to a party at her apartment . Unfortunately when I got there she was already so drunk that I didn’t feel I could sleep with her without feeling like a total dirtbag . I almost left right then , but she dragged me over to her friend Angelina Jolie and starting rambling on about 3-ways (which I don’t care for , but that’s a topic for another day) . Angelina and I were both mortified . I ended up staying at the party and actually had a pretty good time . When things were breaking up Catherine asked me if I wanted to stay . I said yes because she seemed relatively in control of her faculties at this point . Angelina stayed too but that was just a too drunk to drive situation . We hung out for a while but much to my disappointment nothing happened . I ended up on the couch and Catherine and Angelina retired to the bedroom .

Next thing I know I get woken up at around 4 in the morning by Angelina . She wants the couch . I blearily ask her why and she tells me that Catherine is all over her ‒ and she doesn’t roll that way . So now I’m on the floor and she’s on the couch . I just get to sleep again when I’m woken by Catherine smoking a bowl and playing GTA ‒ Angelina was nowhere to be found . So I go into the room with all the boxes and junk in it and sleep on a pile of clothes for a little while . That is until Catherine says she’s going back to bed and I head back to the couch ‒ where Angelina has miraculously reappeared . We talk for a while and that leads to a sloppy make-out session . She says we can’t have sex because she has a boyfriend and I say that’s fine but she doesn’t seem satisfied . She starts stripping down and says that if I want I can give her a rimjob . I didn’t really want to , but I ended up doing it . She seemed to enjoy it and it really wasn’t that bad . So then she says I can stick it in her ass ‒ I guess she forgot about her boyfriend .

I tried , I really did ‒ and its not like I have a big dick or anything (despite what I may have claimed only moments ago) , but I could not get any penetration whatsoever . I probably gave up too easily . I just don’t understand how those gay guys do it . Asshole’s are tiny man , tiny . If anyone has any tips please let me know . Anyway , she says its alright and that she should probably be going anyway . So I assumed that she left and I went back to sleep . I wake up again around nine or so and I really just want to get the hell out of there . I hear Catherine in the shower and tell her I’m leaving . “Don’t you want to take a shower first ?” she asked . Now have a conundrum . Is she inviting my in with her or just wondering about my personal hygiene ? Thankfully she dispelled all confusion pretty quickly and soon I was in the shower with a real live naked girl (one way hotter than I had any rights too as well) . This is followed by the first blowjob ‒ which I have to say was somewhat unimpressive .

The next thing that happens is Catherine , with dick still in hand , disengages for a moment to say something ‒ which is precisely when I slip a little and try to regain my balance . Have you ever been poked in the eye with a dick ? Me neither , but judging by her reaction its not a fun time . She jerked back violently and hit the faucet VERY hard . So she’s crying and cursing me out and whatnot as I try to drag her out of the shower and then I see Angelina standing right there in the door , jaw open , staring at us . I wish I could say that this resulted in some kind of wet-slopping sexy 3-way but it didn’t . I wish I just dropped Catherine , got dressed , and got the hell out of there . But what happened is I ended up in the living room jerking off while they watched . Why did I do this ? because they asked to see it . Which at the time I thought was the freakiest thing ever , but have since come to find out is something some women like . So that was my first time ‒ half a blowjob and masturbation . Heap your scorn (or pity) upon me .

One last thing ‒ an update from an earlier post . I finally found a cock ring I liked but everyone at work , aside from my assistant who’s not really an unbiased party , freaked out when I showed it off . What’s wrong with this country ?

Men aren’t like us, to them sex is a big deal, like sports, or flags. - Lydia Dunfree

VATraveler1948 68M

7/3/2006 4:56 pm

Absolutely no sense of imagination, that's what's wrong. It seems like you have a corner on that commodity. Cute post!

poursomesugronme 49F
3 posts
7/4/2006 12:31 pm

40Deuce, you're hilarious! Loved reading this blog and you sound like a cool dude....are you?

40Deuce 39M
3525 posts
2/17/2012 11:43 am

I remember when I had an assistant , those were good times

Men aren’t like us, to them sex is a big deal, like sports, or flags. - Lydia Dunfree

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