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A sexual history of America
A sexual history of America
"You're 230 years old nation , but that's only 32 in dog years - but you'd be dead because dog's don't live that long ."
On this day in 1776 America was born (the country , not the band) everyone knows that . But did you also know that only a few months later sex was invented ? Its true . And it was invented right here in the USA despite what many people would have you believe . In your face Ottoman Empire ! Its unknown how people procreated before sex was invented but it didn't involve sex so no one cares . "But Deuce people have been having sex for literally millions of years ." You shut your piehole tubby - that is a filthy lie and I'll thank you not to declare things that we both know are obvious fabrications . In truth though there is a lot of confusion about the true origin of sex and I'm here to clear things up for everyone .
The story of where , when, and how sex was invented is a long and boring one (kind of like the actual sexual pratice of handjobs) but the who and the why are pretty neat . Sex was invented by an mixed blood Egyptian , Eskimo , Abenaki indian fellow called Snazzy Gojo Bagojo - which I can only assume is a "nickname" . It was created as a way to honk off the Britsh and boy oh boy did it work . If there's one thing Britsh people hate its sex (and dental hygiene) . Some people say that it was the war with France that cause Britain to lose the war of Indepedence but those people are stupid . The real reason was SGB and his crazy new invention sexual intercourse . It drove the Britsh right off . There would be the redcoats trying to fire their muskets and George Washington would be across the way giving the high hard one to Betsy Ross - it was more than they could endure .
Of course at this time the penis and the vagina did not exist as we knew them . Sex was achieved by way of a rotating bladder-like appendage called the octomanere (the man sex thing) and a net-like system of nervous webbing called the hajjimasloop (the female sexual organ) . And often heard sexual cry of the time would go something like "Forsooth , rotate your octy in my hajji good sir , rotate it counterclockwise til the cows doth comest home ." It was by no means a pretty or enjoyable experience but it served its purpose - allowing our boys to putsome good American boot to limey Brit ass .
The next big breakthrough in American sexual history came when the vagina was imported from Italy in 1801 . It was in no way compatable with the octomanere but as then president Thomas Jefferson commented upon the public debute of the first American pussy "I don't know what that is , but I like it ." So the race was on to invent a compatable sexual organ to the vagina . The first promising contender was the anti-vagina which was simply a vagina turned inside out and stiffed with boiled leather . The project fell apart though when the sole possesser of an American vagina was heard to comment "You want to put that thing WHERE ?" It was used successfully one some French ladies but no one cared .
The next big idea in the vagina compatabilty race was the Legraham Linlcon (after which one of our greatest presidents was later named) . It was merely a third leg placed above the buttocks , but with 6 equal length toes that were prehensile . This proved servable for a while but it was discovered that it was used more of leaning back than sex and was plpaying havoc with the US chair industry . Eventually the penis was invented by some drunken German dude in the Wyoming territories and the world was never the same again . Some historian maintain that Native peoples had been using the penis for centuries but there's no strong proof of that contention - although it seems logical enough .
The first penises were crude by today's standards being the shape of Christmas trees , the size of ballpoint pens and still possessing the rotating features of the octomanere - which people enjoyed but had the unfortunate tendancy to cause the penis to burst into flames (which people didn't enjoy nearly as much) . Of course the orgasm had yet to be discovered so most people weren't too observant about sex - it was mostly a Christmas and Easter thing .
The next big innovation in American sex came from (sigh) France . In 1886 France gave us the statue of liberty in recognition of total American awesomeness . President Grover Cleveland said "So the fuck what ?" And caught off guard the French revealed to him the secret process of anal sex . When the new sex was announced American women commented "This sounds like trouble" while 1 in 11 American men said "Hmmm . . . . ." Of course women didn't have the right to vote at this time so the general politcal opinion of their concerns was "fuck them - the ass perferably" .
I could go on and on , but I'm dancing around the real issue here . The male orgasm was invented in 1912 as part of the effort to stay out of WWI (which was then known as Fight Club - and nobody talked about it) . And it worked until 1914 when people realized that it was easier to get sex when you told people you were going off to war . So that kind of backfired . Now comes the weird part . The female orgasm was invented in 1989 by me . But I had my first sexual contact only months ago . The only rational explanation for this is that at some point in the future I will invent time travel and go back to 1986 and give Kelly McGillis the first lady orgasm ever . Why I would so this is a mystery . I mean now women kind of expect is - so I kind of ruined things for men everywhere . Sorry .
No one knows how I got that first lady orgasm to come about - for that matter no one still knows that causes a woman to climax . My own personal theory is that it has something to do with celstial bodies , advanced mathematics , and Cosmo magazine . The best anyone can do is to just close their eyes and hope for the best . 9 times out of 10 you will fail but those are similar odds to a lion taking down a water buffalo so don't feel too bad . Plus , in a shocking display of kindness most of those times the lady in question will pretend like it happened - especially if you picked up the check at dinner . You'll both know that it didn't but its easier to just pretend .
And who knows what the future will hold for sex in America ? What new and improved sexual organs will be invented ? Will the nostril or eardrum ever become mainstream orifices ? Will women's eyes move to their breasts ? Will they grow matresses on their backs ? Will the penis evolve vibrating capabilities ? Will lesbians grow tongues long enough to please themselves ? All these questions will be answered in the fullness of time .
But here's on question that will be answered right now -
Wildnsassy3 in Winnipeg writes
"Whatever happened to deuces 1-39 ?"
Well thanks for your concern sassy , but most of that information is classified . What I can say is that they died a heroes death defending the country that they love - Panama .
40Deuce fun fact : Due to a malfunctioning time machine and a faulty condom I am my own great-great-great granfather . I think I was trying to nail Cleopatra , but accidents happen in the dark .
Men aren’t like us, to them sex is a big deal, like sports, or flags. - Lydia Dunfree