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Late Nite Fite
Late Nite Fite
Last night as she was leaving her friends place she called to tell me she was on the way home as she didn't feel good. Wonderful?...yeah..ok..I admit that inspite of her not feeling good that I was glad she was leaving there. Told her 'I love you' on the phone and she just went blank and said 'ok' and hung up. Wierd huh? So I asked her why every time she was with her friends that she couldn't say 'I love you' to me on the phone. 'I don't know' was the answer...it all went downhill from there as you can well guess. Nothing like feeling like something that needs to be scraped off of your lover's shoe ya know. Like you have to be hidden from the townfolk in shame of what you are doing. Friends...meet Quasimodo..Quasimodo...meet my friends. Yeah...that's the feeling.
So it blossomed into her saying I didn't want her to see her friends and then to my trip to see my friend and how nasty I was for doing that...(seeing a friend is a bad thing for me but ok for her..hmmm) and how she was just going to sit at home like a mushroom from now on to make me happy.
I had to go thru and list all of the friends of hers I'd met and what I thought of them. I spoke truthfully with her and she knows I won't bullshit her just to make her feel better either. She has only one friend I don't care for and that's a guy who does his best to make her miserable when he can and he's also the reason I wasn't welcome to come with her to the Xmas party because she was afraid shit would start. Well shit started anyways and she ended up in tears over it...with me sitting at home with my thumb up my ass.
Anyways all of a sudden she said I should just go spend the four days I have reserved in a cabin for us by myself. Gee..that sounds like fun. I can soak in a hot tub and read 'War and Peace' until I pass out from boredom.
After a huge amount of reconciliation and telling her repeatedly that in spite of her history with men I'm not those men and that no matter how hard she wants me to treat her like shit and be cruel I won't she agreed to go to the cabin with me. There was no enthusiam in it though. But I'm guessing she's masking it to keep the facade of being the victim intact to use against me should a fight break out while we are there. I'm going to have to be very patient and tender and caring to get through the rest of the holidays with her and come out of it with an intact relationship. I mean I just can't hand her the nails and wood for her to build a cross with for her to crucify herself on. She's looking to be the Martyr and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of it. She's going to have to be the bad guy for once in her life if she wants to end this relationship and go back to the life of misery and abuse she had when I showed up. I admit there's always three sides to the story...mine, her's and what really happened...truth be known I'm just as guilty of harping on minor shit as she is of looking for shit to give me to harp on. It's a feeding frenzy of emotional feedback of a negative sort and it's got to stop and it's up to me to grind it to a halt. I don't believe she is capable of doing it even with help. So it's primarily mine to respond to her only with positive words and actions from now on no matter what buttons of mine she tries to push and no matter how hard she tries to yank my rug to stand firm on the grounds I tread.
There is nothing in this World or the next that I would not give to her on a platter had I the power to do so....nothing that I would not do given the time to adjust to notions that even now I find disturbing to my sense of morality and values. I will have to balance myself between my values and the corruption that looms with the notions of swinging and find the secure spot that so many swingers have found in each other. Something I once had and ended up losing a lover to I must now find again and take the chance of a repeat occurence. But the full swinger life can wait..it will still be there in a week or a month or a year. If my beloved was so upset about me driving to spend the night at a friends then how would she feel seeing me fuck someone in the ass and enjoying myself? She may want to swing but I don't think she's thought thru her own feelings over the consequences. She did it before and had a lot of fun...but at the same time..that person is no longer with her. She didn't really love the person that much so it didn't really affect things but how will she feel when someone she really loves and trusts comes down the throat of a stranger to her right in front of her eyes? Doesn't sound too good does it? Not a healthy move there. Ok so the next best thing would be for her to have her girlfriend and me have mine...wait a second here...she got upset over me just going to see someone..not fuck them..just to take some shots of the birds she works with and her training them..hmmm...do I detect a problem here.
Well as a friend said...she wants her cake and to eat it too..but she didn't expect the frosting to get up and go lay on another cake.
Damn..out of ciggs...be back with another exciting entry in the 'Adventures of Domestic Man' some other time.