Nutshells are small...  

2ofusfor3 53M/48F
245 posts
8/2/2005 8:24 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Nutshells are small...

In a nutshell…. What I think is that we grow everyday. It’s not something people focus on or try to consciously guide in a direction of their choice. So, when you get married it is usually to someone who is at a place in their own life that can really relate to yours… you understand each other, know each other. But you both continue to grow in every aspect of your life on all levels, and without consciously directing the growth, you will not grow together. The rate of growth and the direction determines if your marriage will be a forever thing. It takes about 10 to 15 years before the differences in growth are really apparent. And then comes the realization that you don’t know what happened except you are not happy anymore and your needs are screaming for attention. It’s not that either spouse is at fault… each of you brought to the relationship what was needed at the time it began and to the best of your knowledge, from then on out too. Yet, there is no mistaking the reality that you’ve grown away. I don’t think anyone should feel too guilty for this, do you?

On top of that, what most people think love is can really lead to unrealistic expectations. I think it’s safe to say love is not how you feel about someone.. But rather, it is how someone makes you feel about yourself. When you are with someone who you can relate to, who understands you, you feel you are normal. When someone holds the spot light on you so everyone can see the good, you grow. But if you feel misunderstood, not heard, unable to relate… makes you feel funny about yourself. And when someone shines a bad light on you so everyone can see the bad, it stunts your growth. Sometimes people do that because they unconsciously know the other person is outgrowing them and they fear they will lose that person.

These are my thoughts. I have no degree. I have just a huge desire to understand what it will take for me to have my own successful relationship someday.

Theflinkychick 105F

8/2/2005 1:03 pm

I totally agree, it's how the other person makes you feel about yourself that is the telling factor in a relationship. More than once I have told a lover that I like the me I see in his eyes. When I see that me that I am trying to learn how to be with consistency, then I know I got something good happening.

I'm on the same search as you are. To understand myself better so I can have a relationship that is both good and long lasting.

Not all who wander are lost.

gemini0157 59M  
6842 posts
8/2/2005 1:52 pm

Relationships can be so freakin difficult...especially when no two are the same. nevertheless the one constant is you get out what you put in. I think you have a great start to understanding!

artistforexploit 60M

8/2/2005 4:02 pm

I think you are beginning to understand that in a relationship, you both must continue to grow as an idividual, while complimenting each other as a couple. But if you don't grow, you are sabotaging the whole relationship. Honesty is the key, that unlocks love.
A lot of cultures speak of love & partnership, some very interesting stuff.

2ofusfor3 53M/48F

8/3/2005 5:33 pm

growth will happen regardless... it is whether you grow together or not that will determine if the relationship will last a lifetime. It takes a conscious effort on both parts to understand and communicate the direction of growth. Not every person is going to be able to put their minds around such a task. I hate to generalize, but men aren't likely to reach a point of understanding until they are around 40. It is my opinion that at that age, men grow to accept emotions.

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