|Blogs > dontsquezz > My Life|
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Everybody there was bitching, even my spouse;
The stockings that were hung, by the chimney with care,
Where now flung across the floor, and they got gum in my fucking hair.
My kids that were so snuggly, just a few nights before,
Were now on a sugar rush, and they started joneson for more;
Ma was in her pajamas, and I in my sweets and a Lakers cap,
Both needed to sit down, for we were about ready to snap.
When out in the front yard, there came such a yell,
I sprang from the couch, and screamed “what the hell”;
As I started to the window, a banana peal put me on my ass,
So I limped to the window, and threw open the sash.
The sun was blinding, as it glared off of the snow,
I was blinded for a moment, so the person it didn’t show;
I finally seen who was before me, and it was my nightmare come true,
It was my mother-in-law, with not just one suitcase but two.
Her mind was on empty, and her memory hasn’t been the same,
For when she greeted my kids, she tried calling them by name;
Hi Yoda? I mean Koda, Hi Busten? I mean Dusten,
Hi Nasha? I mean NaTasha, and Cayenne I mean Shyanne.
It was obvious by now, everyone on the block new she had arrived,
But it didn’t matter, for she still had to come inside and yell surprise;
She was dressed by the Salvation Army, from her head to her toe,
And that fur coat she was warring, it really made her look like a hoe.
As I through up my hands, and was about to turn around,
She dropped her suitcases, and asked me where I was bound;
Her eyes - - how they were wrinkled, and her pimples were so scary,
Her cheeks had extra luggage, and her nose was crusty and wary.
Her big droll mouth was open, showing what little teeth she had,
But the fucking beard she was growing, was completely driving me mad;
She brought the kids some lame toys, which she crammed in a sack,
But they were so stupid, I new they would be giving them back.
She made herself at home, smiling with the three remaining teeth,
She parked her ass next to me, and her perfume smelled like a wreath;
She had hair hanging from her nose, and a great big oval belly,
That wiggled when she moved, like an overflowing bowl of jelly.
Soon she started acting like the boss, and started helping herself,
Then started ordering my kids around, in spite of myself;
I said I would take care of it, and she started shaking her head,
So I had to step back a moment, for I soon started seeing red.
I spoke not a word, as I started on my new chore,
I filled up her suitcase, to throw her ass out the door;
I put out my hand, keeping it away from her noose,
Then pointing up my thumb, and watched as she arose.
After I kicked her ass out, I gave the cab a whistle,
Then I felt much better, like I removed from my side a thistle;
As she road off that night, she said something that brought me fear,
“Marry Christmas you son of a bitch, I’ll see you next year”