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Normal dating sites  

chislut

1/20/2009 7:02 pm

Last Read:
5/3/2009 5:40 pm

 Oh, c'mon, don't be insulted Adult FriendFinder when I call other sites normal.

I have no idea how to go on a normal date with someone from a normal dating site. Isn't there some sort of manual somewhere that can tell me what the rules are?

I don't know what to say in response to an email. I don't know what to say in an email I initiate. I don't know how I'm supposed to act if we meet. What are we supposed to talk about?

Even on here, it gets confusing. I think it's pretty obvious in my profile that I'm not looking for a NSA thing. That doesn't mean that I expect an attempt at a relationship for every person I meet, but I'd like for the person to be open to that possibility. I'm not against one-night stands either, but in that case, I'm more interested in looks than anything else and there's better opportunities for that at a bar or club than there is on here (for a girl anyway.) So, as I was saying... even here, sometimes I meet someone and they want to go have sex immediately, or within hours of meeting. Sometimes that's what happens. Other times there's actual conversation that goes on first. Sometimes there's making out instead of full-on sex. Sometimes there's a "no thanks, but nice meeting you."

As for the normal dating sites -- twice I've gone out with someone from another site (2 different sites), and it turned out they "knew" me from here. No, 3 times, actually. Which in one way is kind of cool, because then I don't have to ever figure out how to tell them that I am or was on Adult FriendFinder. On the other hand, even though they contacted me through another site, I can't help but assume that their primary goal is to have sex with me -- which is not why *I'm* on the other sites primarily for. (Yeah, yeah, make the jokes that that's what all guys are only after . I know that's the joke. On the other hand, I'm sure some of you guys, at least, have been offended when that wasn't true of you and someone assumed it was.)

More than a few times, I'd thought something regular was starting. lol. Regular as in regularly occurring. Then after 3 or 4 times getting together, I never hear from them again. (Except, weirdly, as friends on Facebook, but that's a whole 'nother phenomenon.)

As usual, I'm not sure I have a point here. I just feel like there's some sort of ritual going on that I don't have the instructions for and everyone else does.

Dammit.
nextdoorboy75
2 posts 

1/20/2009 7:59 pm

 >I just feel like there's some sort of ritual going on that I don't have the instructions for and everyone else does.

I've had profiles on nonsexually-oriented sites, and I understand the anxiety. It's tempting to assume "everyone else" knows the protocol, but of course that's hyperbole and there is no exact etiquette. In fact, I'd guess you understand social norms as well as anyone else but find yourself bored with them or restricted by them, consciously or not. Dating is, if nothing else, attempting to relate to another human being. And if the way you offer yourself and respond to a man on a date leaves you both disengaged, then that disengagement is likely meaningful. I'd encourage you to continue being yourself in pursuit of someone drawn to the person you reveal to him. That's easier said than done, of course, since we often present others with multiple selves--or at least multiple moods/dispositions--and because occasionally we prefer a momentary compromised connection over a permanent uncompromised disconnection.

(Clearly, I'm venting about my own experiences more than advising about yours.)


chislut replies on 1/20/2009 8:59 pm:
lol. Vent all you want. It's still helpful since it, at the very least, lets me know that others have similar thoughts. That's the whole point of the internet, isn't it?
xntrickk
1333 posts 

1/20/2009 8:30 pm

 normal is such a relative term, is it any wonder you can't figure out the rules?


chislut replies on 1/20/2009 8:56 pm:
Oh, c'mon. I get your point, but you're still being disingenuous. I have no doubt you and others know what I mean by using the word normal.

It IS relative, yes. For instance, when having a discussion with someone that relates to my diabetes, I know what they (or mean when they say "normal" or "regular" people. It means something in the context of the conversation. Same here.
turnstyle05
11 posts

1/21/2009 8:58 am

 it is a huge and cold and strange and confusing world....someone as unique as you, i have faith, will find her "missing half" but maybe only after a wide search that takes you to unexpected places. have you ever read "narcissus and goldmun"? an amazing book about just that kind of search....

good luck, beautiful

whoisagentj
3306 posts

1/21/2009 9:25 am

 Honestly, I'd love to go out on a date with you if I were given a chance or at least hang out. I think it would be very interesting to say the least.

But as for having a profile on other dating sites, well, I've done that and to be honest, I think Adult FriendFinder has jaded me a lot as I really don't know what to expect and either I come across too much into sex, or I come off as too much as I'm too shy and reserved because I'm trying to put on a 'good impression' so to speak. I can say it would be difficult, but with here, we are here to search for other like minded people who are also into sex and want sex.

And I didn't know that you were a diabetic. Learned something new about ya today.
Who can you call on to save the day?

Why none other than...

Agent


chislut replies on 1/21/2009 7:23 pm:
Type I diabetic. aka Juvenile Diabetes. Just FYI. It's a pet peeve of mine when people confuse the different kinds, so I thought I'd clarify.
TheGenerousGuy
17 posts

1/21/2009 3:57 pm

 > Isn't there some sort of manual somewhere that can tell me what the rules are?

Man oh man, if only! A manual for life, love, sex, etc... Seriously though, great post. I think you hit a lot of the realities on the head. There are definite, obvious differences between normal sites and Adult FriendFinder (yeah, we all know what you mean by normal, this site is not normal by traditional, societal standards). As far as those differences - to use a cliched phrase I hate - "it is what it is".

If you made a nice little Venn diagram of the two kinds of sites, there'd be some overlap, maybe not a lot though. On this site, you're probably leaning towards the overlap by saying you're not looking for NSA. On other sites maybe you're leaning to the overlap by being a bit more sexual (subtly or not) than other profiles.

Bottom line I guess, get what's right for you out of both sites, take your best stab at the "rules" as they come along, and most importantly, who gives a damn about protocol and have a hell of a lot of fun!

Wordsmith2004
6566 posts 

1/21/2009 9:39 pm

 What are we supposed to talk about?

How big J-Lo's ass was in highlights of the inaugural balls?

Whether Marc Anthony really is a vampire or not?

Exchange cookie recipes?

Actually, you don't need to go on a date to talk about those things you could just email me.

(Assuming I answer of course, and am not out on a date of course )

Too Much Porno?
Conserve Water and Prevent Global Warming: Shower With A MILF!

imachiguy
10 posts

2/2/2009 9:04 am

 The ritual, as you call it, is one of the best parts of all this. The anticipation of meeting, wondering how good, or bad, they are going to be. The building sexual tension of anticipating what is, or isn't going to happen next. It is all so much more exciting than a regular "date" that we've all been involved in.

The_SnowMachine
9 posts 

2/9/2009 6:03 pm

 >I have no idea how to go on a normal date with someone from a normal dating site. Isn't >there some sort of manual somewhere that can tell me what the rules are?

I find myself wondering about the rules for going on a normal date as well. Sometimes I wonder if I knew the rules for normal dating, then I wouldn't feel the need to be searching online. But if I wasn't searching online, then I wouldn't be here pondering this question with you, and that would be a shame.

For me, I am afraid to approach women in bars (which seems to be the "only" place to meet women in Chicago...Ever try to strike up a conversation on the bus?) because I don't feel like I know the rules. As a lifelong teetotaler, I feel like a fish out of water in a bar in the first place, and those insecurities get in the way when thinking about approaching women that I find attractive. The insecurity comes from being different, and being afraid of being perceived as outside of the norm.

If you will allow me to throw up a "strawman" which you can feel free to tear down at your leisure, I think that one of your difficulties comes in being complex in a world that favors simplicity. Now I would not go so far as to say you are insecure about being complex, but I would guess that you have at times felt that your complexity is under appreciated. You want to be seen as a very sexual creature, but you don't want to be seen as only a sexual creature. You want to be recognized for being multifaceted, and it's just plain tough to find people who appreciate multi-dimensionality in this world of ours. When you challenge people to see you as more than a sexual creature, you add an unwanted layer of complexity that freaks some men out. They can't integrate their sexuality into their true identity because they are all caught up on the puritanical ideas of morality set forth by our forebears.

LakeShoreSlick
1 post 

4/18/2009 1:09 am

 Joined Adult FriendFinder not too long ago and totally understand what your saying. First of all, I think I missed the handbook on all this online dating and meeting people stuff as well. Is there some set guidelines to adhere to? I must be doing it wrong because I have only met a hand full of people and yet everyone else seems to be meeting all the time. Not to mention that over 75% of the emails and "interests" I get are bots, or just not real at all. I dont know though, maybe I'm just wrong, or not approaching the situation right. But I would just like to meet people and see what happens from there. Either way, its not always about sex...even though on Adult FriendFinder it is for the most part, but still. I dont get it, yet still trying to figure it out.

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